Shortly after I finished reading The Darien Gap, I sent an e-mail off to the publisher asking them to forward a letter on to the author for me. Just a bit of fan mail.
Now, I'm not normally one of these people who starts gushing over their favourite authors, trying to contact them, sending fan mail, etc. Then again, non-fiction writing is a whole different beast, isn't it? I mostly just wanted to let the author know that I enjoyed his book, thank him for sharing his experiences, and let him know that I appreciated his attitude towards travel.
I got a letter back from him the other day. I'm glad I wrote. He said that my letter really "picked up" his day.
I had briefly mentioned my own planned excursion into the Darien. (Much tamer than what he did, but exciting for me nonetheless.) He seemed genuinely interested and asked how and why we're going wants to know how our journey goes.
I think it'd be quite a lot of fun to write to him about our trip!
Anyway... I just wanted to mention that little bit of correspondence as it really picked up my day!
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Monday, August 4, 2008
Alone, Alone
Why do I feel so alone? I don't even know what it is that I want. I just want to be close to someone. Not even necessarily romantically close. At least... not in the way I used to think I wanted, needed.
I feel like I have my thoughts and desires mostly sorted out now. Like my head is more-or-less clear. But I'm fairly certain that it'll get all bunged up again as soon as I'm back at school, back around people. I'd like to think that I won't. I'm going to try to stay clear-headed. But, if my past is any indication, I won't. Not for five minutes. Not even with all the resolve and insight and logic I can muster. I always fall into the same traps. As much as I know I should learn from them... As much as I tell myself that I have... As much as I come to understand my mistakes in hindsight... I still can't ever seem to avoid them completely. My brain takes a vacation and my kamikaze autopilot sends me towards disaster with anyone and everyone I meet.
Especially guys.
I'm a fool.
Fool. Sitting alone. Wishing. Waiting. Losing. All. I wish I could stop.
I feel like I have my thoughts and desires mostly sorted out now. Like my head is more-or-less clear. But I'm fairly certain that it'll get all bunged up again as soon as I'm back at school, back around people. I'd like to think that I won't. I'm going to try to stay clear-headed. But, if my past is any indication, I won't. Not for five minutes. Not even with all the resolve and insight and logic I can muster. I always fall into the same traps. As much as I know I should learn from them... As much as I tell myself that I have... As much as I come to understand my mistakes in hindsight... I still can't ever seem to avoid them completely. My brain takes a vacation and my kamikaze autopilot sends me towards disaster with anyone and everyone I meet.
Especially guys.
I'm a fool.
Fool. Sitting alone. Wishing. Waiting. Losing. All. I wish I could stop.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Worried Sick
That just about sums it up. I'm worried to the point where I feel sick to my stomach. I'm afraid. I'm tense. I'm terrified of what's going to happen next. And the only thing that I can do is try not to make it any worse. Whether I succeed or not is another question.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Reading Material
I need to find myself another good book. I mean, I have plenty of books. I shouldn't be looking for any more. But I don't think I have anything that quite matches up with my current craving. I have a full complement of fiction of various genres. I have quite a bit of non-fiction as well, though it tends to lean more towards the academic end of the scales. I've gathered together a few biographies over the years. Some I've read, others I've not. I have poetry. I have plays.
None of this seems to quite fit the bill though. I don't know what I want.
I picked up one of my many novels the other day, figuring on reading it. It's good. The plot is interesting. But I just can't get into it. I don't crave it like I should when I dive into a good book. It just feels too light and fluffy.
Maybe I'd find a good non-fiction more substantial... I have a feeling though, that I might get bored. A lot of the non-fiction that I have is pretty dry. Probably only about one step up from a textbook. Dawkins might be okay though... Maybe I should try "The Selfish Gene" on for size... I wouldn't mind looking at some more travelers' tales either. Something like "The Darien Gap" would be quite satisfactory. 'Though I'm worried that, after reading Mitchinson, I might be disappointed by other authors. I'd be willing to give it a shot though. I'd also like to look into getting a copy of "Loose Girl". I spotted that one in Chapters the other day and it really held my attention. At the very least, I'd like to take a closer look at it.
Alright, well, I guess that at least gives me an idea of what I should be looking for. Unfortunately two out of three ideas require me to purchase more books. I do have a copy of "The Selfish Gene" kicking around. I guess I could try reading that first... "Loose Girl" actually holds the most appeal for me at the moment though. I wish I had a copy of that book now! But I had to choose between "Loose Girl" and "The Darien Gap" and, really, it was hardly a choice. I had to get "The Darien Gap". How could I not? And it was an amazing book. Definitely no regrets. I just wish I could've gotten them both!
Ah well... I think I'll try to finish "The Book With No Name" for now. From there I can move on to "The Selfish Gene". Maybe by then I'll have gotten my hands on a copy of "Loose Girl".
Actually... It crosses my mind that my brother wanted me to read one of his favourite books. He's been bugging me to read it for ages. I guess it should get priority over some of the others. Who knows? Maybe it'll scratch that literary itch I've been feeling! So, I guess the new order will be: "The Book With No Name" -> "Lord of Snow and Shadows" -> "The Selfish Gene" -> "Loose Girl".
Then again... Nothing ever works out as planned, does it?
None of this seems to quite fit the bill though. I don't know what I want.
I picked up one of my many novels the other day, figuring on reading it. It's good. The plot is interesting. But I just can't get into it. I don't crave it like I should when I dive into a good book. It just feels too light and fluffy.
Maybe I'd find a good non-fiction more substantial... I have a feeling though, that I might get bored. A lot of the non-fiction that I have is pretty dry. Probably only about one step up from a textbook. Dawkins might be okay though... Maybe I should try "The Selfish Gene" on for size... I wouldn't mind looking at some more travelers' tales either. Something like "The Darien Gap" would be quite satisfactory. 'Though I'm worried that, after reading Mitchinson, I might be disappointed by other authors. I'd be willing to give it a shot though. I'd also like to look into getting a copy of "Loose Girl". I spotted that one in Chapters the other day and it really held my attention. At the very least, I'd like to take a closer look at it.
Alright, well, I guess that at least gives me an idea of what I should be looking for. Unfortunately two out of three ideas require me to purchase more books. I do have a copy of "The Selfish Gene" kicking around. I guess I could try reading that first... "Loose Girl" actually holds the most appeal for me at the moment though. I wish I had a copy of that book now! But I had to choose between "Loose Girl" and "The Darien Gap" and, really, it was hardly a choice. I had to get "The Darien Gap". How could I not? And it was an amazing book. Definitely no regrets. I just wish I could've gotten them both!
Ah well... I think I'll try to finish "The Book With No Name" for now. From there I can move on to "The Selfish Gene". Maybe by then I'll have gotten my hands on a copy of "Loose Girl".
Actually... It crosses my mind that my brother wanted me to read one of his favourite books. He's been bugging me to read it for ages. I guess it should get priority over some of the others. Who knows? Maybe it'll scratch that literary itch I've been feeling! So, I guess the new order will be: "The Book With No Name" -> "Lord of Snow and Shadows" -> "The Selfish Gene" -> "Loose Girl".
Then again... Nothing ever works out as planned, does it?
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Vacation!
I can't believe it; I'm going to get to see the Darien! How cool is that? I'm thrilled! I'm so excited. I can't believe that this is actually happening! Amazing!
Here I've been, sitting, reading, thinking, dreaming about how much I'd like to visit the Darien. Promising myself that I'd get there "some day". Figuring that "some day" won't come along for another three or four years, at least. But that's okay, I tell myself, as long as I get there. I don't mind waiting. Well... come to think of it, I do but, what can you do? I didn't think it would be possible to get there any sooner so, I had to be content with waiting. But now...
Now, my parents are saying that we're all gonna go. Together.
Words can't even express how happy I am! "Ecstatic" doesn't even begin to cover it.
I mean, I was willing to go by myself. Just me and my backpack ambling around the jungle. But, of course, how much better will this trip be if I can share it with people who'll really appreciate the area? Fantastic!
I can see us now... Trekking through the jungle. Taking pictures. Identifying wildlife. Camping out. What a trip! I can't wait!
So, here's the scoop:
Looks like we're gonna be heading to Playa de Muerto. (I wrote about it once before here.) Tiny, little, isolated, Embera village on the Pacific coast of the Darien. The town consists of 225 Embera with the occasional group of tourists stopping through on a cruise. You've got the beach in front and the Sapo (Toad) mountains behind. There's a camp ground where you can rent a hammock for $3/night. Or, if you'd like something a little more plush, you can get a bed at the local hotel for $8/night ($12 if you want lobster for dinner). There's a restaurant in town that serves two meals a day at $2/plate. Most of the locals do crafts of some sort which they sell to tourists whenever they happen by. There's a little, one-room schoolhouse where all the kids learn Spanish, among other things of course! Most folks in town speak Spanish (quite fluently from what I understand) but it's their second language. As of 2005/2006, the town has running water and indoor plumbing (at the school). There are no roads. You get there either by foot or by boat.
I know some folks would be turned off by this description. But, to me, (and to my parents too, thankfully) it sounds absolutely wonderful!
I love the fact that it's out of the way, off the beaten track. There are no roads, no phones, no computers, no Internet. Cell phone signals are unheard of. There is a police station and the officers do carry satellite phones, in case of emergency, but that's it! The nearest payphone is a two-day hike to the next town along an old cattle trail.
I can't believe that we're actually going to do this! We're going to Playa de Muerto! And, better yet, we're hiking!
I was taken with the idea of hiking the trail from Garachine to Playa de Muerto when I first read about it but, I though that maybe I was being impractical again. I mean, it'd be great to do and maybe I would if I was going on my own but, I didn't think I should ask my parents to make the trek.
I should've known better! Of course they're up for it! They spent three days riding through the Blue Mountains, with rain and leeches and all manner of things, and they had a ball! Of course a little hike isn't going to scare them off!
I think I'm looking forward to that walk as much as I am the whole rest of the vacation! What an amazing experience that'll be!
I hope I can get a chance to see Raul too. I mean, to come that far and be that close and not see him, well, it would seem a crime. So, I'll do my best. Even if he meets us at the airport or something and we just chat for an hour or so before we move on to the next leg of our journey. I'd like that.
This semester can't pass fast enough! Just another four and a half months and I'll be in Panama again! (I just have to make sure I actually pass.) I don't care if I get stellar marks. I just need to get through. I mean, of course I want to do well but I think that part of my previous problem was that I tried too hard, focused too much on the details, and then couldn't do everything to the standard I wanted so, fell behind. Once I fell behind I was lost. I got overwhelmed, didn't know where to start picking up the pieces again so, I just gave up, ran away. I know better now though. I'll do better this time. For the sake of my dream vacation, I'll do better.
Here I've been, sitting, reading, thinking, dreaming about how much I'd like to visit the Darien. Promising myself that I'd get there "some day". Figuring that "some day" won't come along for another three or four years, at least. But that's okay, I tell myself, as long as I get there. I don't mind waiting. Well... come to think of it, I do but, what can you do? I didn't think it would be possible to get there any sooner so, I had to be content with waiting. But now...
Now, my parents are saying that we're all gonna go. Together.
Words can't even express how happy I am! "Ecstatic" doesn't even begin to cover it.
I mean, I was willing to go by myself. Just me and my backpack ambling around the jungle. But, of course, how much better will this trip be if I can share it with people who'll really appreciate the area? Fantastic!
I can see us now... Trekking through the jungle. Taking pictures. Identifying wildlife. Camping out. What a trip! I can't wait!
So, here's the scoop:
Looks like we're gonna be heading to Playa de Muerto. (I wrote about it once before here.) Tiny, little, isolated, Embera village on the Pacific coast of the Darien. The town consists of 225 Embera with the occasional group of tourists stopping through on a cruise. You've got the beach in front and the Sapo (Toad) mountains behind. There's a camp ground where you can rent a hammock for $3/night. Or, if you'd like something a little more plush, you can get a bed at the local hotel for $8/night ($12 if you want lobster for dinner). There's a restaurant in town that serves two meals a day at $2/plate. Most of the locals do crafts of some sort which they sell to tourists whenever they happen by. There's a little, one-room schoolhouse where all the kids learn Spanish, among other things of course! Most folks in town speak Spanish (quite fluently from what I understand) but it's their second language. As of 2005/2006, the town has running water and indoor plumbing (at the school). There are no roads. You get there either by foot or by boat.
I know some folks would be turned off by this description. But, to me, (and to my parents too, thankfully) it sounds absolutely wonderful!
I love the fact that it's out of the way, off the beaten track. There are no roads, no phones, no computers, no Internet. Cell phone signals are unheard of. There is a police station and the officers do carry satellite phones, in case of emergency, but that's it! The nearest payphone is a two-day hike to the next town along an old cattle trail.
I can't believe that we're actually going to do this! We're going to Playa de Muerto! And, better yet, we're hiking!
I was taken with the idea of hiking the trail from Garachine to Playa de Muerto when I first read about it but, I though that maybe I was being impractical again. I mean, it'd be great to do and maybe I would if I was going on my own but, I didn't think I should ask my parents to make the trek.
I should've known better! Of course they're up for it! They spent three days riding through the Blue Mountains, with rain and leeches and all manner of things, and they had a ball! Of course a little hike isn't going to scare them off!
I think I'm looking forward to that walk as much as I am the whole rest of the vacation! What an amazing experience that'll be!
I hope I can get a chance to see Raul too. I mean, to come that far and be that close and not see him, well, it would seem a crime. So, I'll do my best. Even if he meets us at the airport or something and we just chat for an hour or so before we move on to the next leg of our journey. I'd like that.
This semester can't pass fast enough! Just another four and a half months and I'll be in Panama again! (I just have to make sure I actually pass.) I don't care if I get stellar marks. I just need to get through. I mean, of course I want to do well but I think that part of my previous problem was that I tried too hard, focused too much on the details, and then couldn't do everything to the standard I wanted so, fell behind. Once I fell behind I was lost. I got overwhelmed, didn't know where to start picking up the pieces again so, I just gave up, ran away. I know better now though. I'll do better this time. For the sake of my dream vacation, I'll do better.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
The Darién Gap
So I found yet another great book! I really don't need any more books. I only just finished the two I was reading this past week. Now, all of the sudden, I have two more to read. Not the mention the other 90-odd books I already had on my reading list! But, once I saw this book, I knew I couldn't leave the store without it. I mean... how often do you see a book with the words "Darien Gap" in the title?
I'll tell you this, it's the first one I've ever seen!
You know, I tried to find books on Panama before my visit in March. I couldn't find a single one. On Belize and Costa Rica, there were plenty. Honduras even had its fair share. But Panama? None. The best I could come up with was a travel guide for Central America. I think that book had a grand total of seven pages dedicated to Panama! Maybe eight if you count the map. Unbelievable! How is it that there's not a single book on what is likely the safest, richest, and (considering the Canal) most important country in Central America?
Well, I'd finally accepted the fact that any information I wanted on Panama would have to come to me through the Internet since no one seemed intent on putting the information between the covers of a book... Then, as I'm making my way through Chapters, what do I spy? A book entitled "The Darien Gap". Now this required a closer look!
After searching in vain for a book on Panama, now, all of the sudden, I come across a book dedicated to a single province! And by a Canadian author no less! Incredible!
Anyway, I only just started reading it, but it seems pretty good so far. The main body of the book is essentially a catalogue of the author's personal experiences in the area but, it also goes into the history of the area. Not just politically and demographically but geologically as well. Aside from that, he disperses traditional stories from Emberá and Wounan mythologies throughout his narrative. I have to say, I'm thoroughly enjoying the read so far.
I was concerned at first that I was picking up the chronicles of a pretentious adventure-seeker. One of those intrepid but ignorant fools that dive into some unknown region simply because they're told they shouldn't. Danger-seekers. I mean, there's nothing wrong with a little excitement. I'm all for living and experiencing life. But that doesn't mean that I want to go around being willfully reckless. So, I must say, I was pleasantly surprised when I found this guy to be pretty down to Earth. He traveled in a dangerous area, but he didn't go out actively seeking the danger. His motivation was seeing the land and meeting the people, learning about culture and nature, not thrill-seeking. I like that.
Anyway... Enough of my babbling! I'm going to read some more!
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Lap of Luxury
I worry about where we're headed as a race sometimes...
I watched a commercial today. It was for a vehicle of some sort. A minivan, I think. They were advertising all its great features, showing how much fun a family would have in this van. And, I have to admit, I came away from it a little scared.
What they seemed to focus on was the TV screens in the cabin. The fact that your kids could watch movies or play video games while you chauffeur them around. Because... you know... Heaven forbid your little angels be required to amuse themselves on the way to Tae Kwon Do class! And, of course, God knows you couldn't possibly expect them to survive without their precious video games or their favourite TV shows for a few minutes!
TV seems to rule our lives. We make our schedules around our favourite shows. Or we get Tevo to catch them for us. Now, it's not enough to simply have a TV in the living room or rec room. We have TVs in our kitchens, in our bedrooms, in our bathrooms! For Heaven's sake! And, apparently, even that is no longer sufficient. Television is now a standard feature in our vehicles. We've become incapable of even going camping without our idiot boxes!
How many times have I seen Canadian Tire advertising their "camp" gear? When you have a hot shower, complete with shower radio; television; video games; cell phones and chargers; mattresses; heaters; and personal air conditioners... it ceases to be camping. What's the point of going to a rough, unfurnished campground if you're going to bring all the furnishings with you and smooth out all the roughness? You might as well just check in to a hotel!
To me, the whole point of camping is to get away from all the luxuries we surround ourselves with on a daily basis. They advertise how all their fancy gear makes camping feel just like home. Well... if it feels just like home, what the Hell's the point?! I guess I might as well just stay home then!
When did we get so soft? When did we curl up in the lap of luxury and start refusing to leave? When did we become incapable of stepping outside (or sitting, or eating, or existing, for that matter) without being surrounded by a full complement of comforts and entertainment devices? I would say that it borders on ridiculous but... I think that that line was likely crossed long ago.
I watched a commercial today. It was for a vehicle of some sort. A minivan, I think. They were advertising all its great features, showing how much fun a family would have in this van. And, I have to admit, I came away from it a little scared.
What they seemed to focus on was the TV screens in the cabin. The fact that your kids could watch movies or play video games while you chauffeur them around. Because... you know... Heaven forbid your little angels be required to amuse themselves on the way to Tae Kwon Do class! And, of course, God knows you couldn't possibly expect them to survive without their precious video games or their favourite TV shows for a few minutes!
TV seems to rule our lives. We make our schedules around our favourite shows. Or we get Tevo to catch them for us. Now, it's not enough to simply have a TV in the living room or rec room. We have TVs in our kitchens, in our bedrooms, in our bathrooms! For Heaven's sake! And, apparently, even that is no longer sufficient. Television is now a standard feature in our vehicles. We've become incapable of even going camping without our idiot boxes!
How many times have I seen Canadian Tire advertising their "camp" gear? When you have a hot shower, complete with shower radio; television; video games; cell phones and chargers; mattresses; heaters; and personal air conditioners... it ceases to be camping. What's the point of going to a rough, unfurnished campground if you're going to bring all the furnishings with you and smooth out all the roughness? You might as well just check in to a hotel!
To me, the whole point of camping is to get away from all the luxuries we surround ourselves with on a daily basis. They advertise how all their fancy gear makes camping feel just like home. Well... if it feels just like home, what the Hell's the point?! I guess I might as well just stay home then!
When did we get so soft? When did we curl up in the lap of luxury and start refusing to leave? When did we become incapable of stepping outside (or sitting, or eating, or existing, for that matter) without being surrounded by a full complement of comforts and entertainment devices? I would say that it borders on ridiculous but... I think that that line was likely crossed long ago.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
So Tired
Tired and discouraged
Fading away.
Can't make it better
Can't make it right.
So many mistakes
So many regrets.
So many things
I want to forget.
Sometimes it hurts but,
Right now it's just numb.
And I'm fading,
Fading away.
Fading away.
Can't make it better
Can't make it right.
So many mistakes
So many regrets.
So many things
I want to forget.
Sometimes it hurts but,
Right now it's just numb.
And I'm fading,
Fading away.
Jealousy
I can't be happy for my friend when he's finally found someone he likes. But, this isn't new. It's not isolated to Raul either. I get that same twinge of jealousy and disappointment whenever one of my friends ends up in a relationship. Whenever they're even interested in anyone. Especially my male friends.
If one of my female friends finds a boyfriend, my reaction ranges from neutral to very minimal negative feelings. Make it a male friend finding a girlfriend however, and we have a different story! The situation borders on downright depressing.
Now, the initial thought on this might be that I'm actually interested in these guys and that's why I'm so upset when they start dating someone else. I think that has definitely factored into some of the situations I've encountered. But that's not the whole story. I run up against the same feelings even when I have no interest beyond the strictly platonic. Even when I have no reason to be jealous. Am I worried about losing their attention? Losing their friendship? Am I so self-absorbed that I need to have my friends focused on me all the time? Maybe I am...
If one of my female friends finds a boyfriend, my reaction ranges from neutral to very minimal negative feelings. Make it a male friend finding a girlfriend however, and we have a different story! The situation borders on downright depressing.
Now, the initial thought on this might be that I'm actually interested in these guys and that's why I'm so upset when they start dating someone else. I think that has definitely factored into some of the situations I've encountered. But that's not the whole story. I run up against the same feelings even when I have no interest beyond the strictly platonic. Even when I have no reason to be jealous. Am I worried about losing their attention? Losing their friendship? Am I so self-absorbed that I need to have my friends focused on me all the time? Maybe I am...
Love Life
I talked to Raul today. He's met someone. They've gone on a couple of dates and it sounds like things are going well so far.
I want to be happy for him. He's my friend, always kind, fun to talk to, and I want for him to be happy. I should be glad, pleased that he's found a nice girl that he likes. So, why did I feel my heart sink when he told me he was interested in someone? Why did it fall a little lower when he said they'd already gone on a couple of dates?
Am I so selfish? Am I so jealous? Am I so insecure... that I can't stand to see him have someone in his life. And, on top of all that, I'm a hypocrite too. 'Cause I'm pretty sure that, were I to meet someone tomorrow, I wouldn't have any qualms about dating them. I likely wouldn't give it a second thought. Yet... I feel such disappointment when I discover that my friend is in a relationship, that he's hoping to be "more than just friends" with this girl. How can I justify that? How can I do the very thing that causes my disappointment with another? Like I said... I'm a hypocrite.
I want to be happy for him. He's my friend, always kind, fun to talk to, and I want for him to be happy. I should be glad, pleased that he's found a nice girl that he likes. So, why did I feel my heart sink when he told me he was interested in someone? Why did it fall a little lower when he said they'd already gone on a couple of dates?
Am I so selfish? Am I so jealous? Am I so insecure... that I can't stand to see him have someone in his life. And, on top of all that, I'm a hypocrite too. 'Cause I'm pretty sure that, were I to meet someone tomorrow, I wouldn't have any qualms about dating them. I likely wouldn't give it a second thought. Yet... I feel such disappointment when I discover that my friend is in a relationship, that he's hoping to be "more than just friends" with this girl. How can I justify that? How can I do the very thing that causes my disappointment with another? Like I said... I'm a hypocrite.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Title Page
I managed to get the title page of my scrapbook finished today. Nothing extravagant, just a bit of black ink. I picked out some fancy lettering in Word and printed the page, with the intention of tracing the lettering onto the first page of the journal. The pages are a bit thick though and it was nearly impossible to see the lettering through the paper. I ended up basically engraving the letters into the page instead. From there, I was able to use the pressure marks as a guide for pencil and, finally, ink.
It came out reasonably well, if I do say so myself! I mean, the first couple of letters have a few unsightly blips but, for the most part, it looks presentable.
Now I just need to get some photos together so I can start filling in the other pages!
It came out reasonably well, if I do say so myself! I mean, the first couple of letters have a few unsightly blips but, for the most part, it looks presentable.
Now I just need to get some photos together so I can start filling in the other pages!
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Scrapbook
I picked up a beautiful, handmade, leather journal a week or so ago. It's absolutely gorgeous! It cost me nearly $50, but it was worth it. The cover's all beautifully tooled leather. The signatures are stitched in by hand with some brown cord. Lovely!
A book that nice needs to be made into something special. It's too nice to use for just plain old journaling. I want to make it into a family scrapbook. Not a bright, tacky, cheesy scrapbook. Something subdued, classy, and elegant. I'll need to get a few supplies, and it's gonna take a good long while to get everything together, but I really want to do this.
I'd like to give it to my parents when it's all done.
I've got a rough idea of what I want to put in it. It should only take about half to two-thirds of the book. That'll be nice though; that way we'll be able to add to it in years to come. As we accumulate more pictures, thoughts, and memories, we'll be able to create new pages. I think it'll be nice to have. We can compile it as a family, all our trips and memorable moments. Maybe even pass it down in the family. Who knows?
I think it'd be a fun project n'anyway.
A book that nice needs to be made into something special. It's too nice to use for just plain old journaling. I want to make it into a family scrapbook. Not a bright, tacky, cheesy scrapbook. Something subdued, classy, and elegant. I'll need to get a few supplies, and it's gonna take a good long while to get everything together, but I really want to do this.
I'd like to give it to my parents when it's all done.
I've got a rough idea of what I want to put in it. It should only take about half to two-thirds of the book. That'll be nice though; that way we'll be able to add to it in years to come. As we accumulate more pictures, thoughts, and memories, we'll be able to create new pages. I think it'll be nice to have. We can compile it as a family, all our trips and memorable moments. Maybe even pass it down in the family. Who knows?
I think it'd be a fun project n'anyway.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Stormy
Well, our last calf was born yesterday afternoon. Beautiful little thing! All heifers this year. Really nice colours. One black, one chocolate brown, and... the latest one, a lovely, rich, reddish brown. There's a picture of her there. Stormy.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Corazón
Okay, so I've been listening to this Chilean pop rock band, La Ley, and I really like them. My friend got me onto them and I'm really enjoying their music!
Anyway... I wanted to try my hand at writing something. It's probably pretty bad, but... here's what I came up with:
Corazón
Quiero solo tu amor.
Quiero solo amarte.
Toda mi vida es para tí.
Y todo lo que quieres daré a tí,
Si solo tu puedes amar a mí.
Te quiero...
Desde el fondo de mi corazón.
Te quiero...
Sin prueba, sin razón.
Pero aquí estoy,
Todo solo!
Y allí estás,
Siempre lejos.
Y no sé si puedo existir.
Y no sé todavía que decir.
Pero...
Te amo...
Desde el fondo de mi corazón.
Te amo...
Sin prueba, sin razón.
Mi corazon...
Le doy a tí.
I know that there are a few lines that probably don't make a whole lot of sense or don't quite work syntax-wise... Maybe I'll be able to fix it up later.
Anyway... I wanted to try my hand at writing something. It's probably pretty bad, but... here's what I came up with:
Corazón
Quiero solo tu amor.
Quiero solo amarte.
Toda mi vida es para tí.
Y todo lo que quieres daré a tí,
Si solo tu puedes amar a mí.
Te quiero...
Desde el fondo de mi corazón.
Te quiero...
Sin prueba, sin razón.
Pero aquí estoy,
Todo solo!
Y allí estás,
Siempre lejos.
Y no sé si puedo existir.
Y no sé todavía que decir.
Pero...
Te amo...
Desde el fondo de mi corazón.
Te amo...
Sin prueba, sin razón.
Mi corazon...
Le doy a tí.
I know that there are a few lines that probably don't make a whole lot of sense or don't quite work syntax-wise... Maybe I'll be able to fix it up later.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Math Skills?
I've often worried at peoples' dependence on calculators and other technology. They can't write without a spell checker. They can't do math without a calculator. They can't communicate without using l33t-speak or some other form of abbreviation. People have lost the ability to think for themselves. Every problem has become so easy to solve with the push of a few buttons that we've forgotten how to work it out on our own!
We're taught math in school, but as soon as our teachers are convinced that we are able to apply the bare minimum of basic arithmetic skills, we are handed calculators. We move on to bigger and better things and let the calculator worry about the details. We can solve quadratic systems, but who knows how to work out a square root unaided?! I've met folks who can't even remember how to do long division, it's been so long since they've even attempted math without a calculator. They don't even know where to begin unless it's to start punching in numbers on their cell phone calculator!
I ran into a frightening example yesterday when I was asked, in the absence of a calculator, to crunch some numbers.
"What's 7 plus 9?" she asks me.
"Seven plus nine?" I look at her quizzically, "Sixteen."
She thinks about this for a minute, then looks to me again, "And what's 22 minus 16?"
"Six... Are you testing me?"
"No, I'm just trying to work something out."
I was dumbfounded!
This is a girl who has a post-secondary education. This is a girl who's been awarded scholarships. She is not stupid! I have no doubt that, had she taken a minute to think about it, she could have worked out those math problems without issue. The problem is that everyone is so used to having a quick, easy answer provided, without thought or effort. Still, I was startled at being asked to work out such a simple problem.
It makes me wonder where we're headed. If things are this bad now, where will we be a few years down the road? Will we have become totally helpless without our calculators and various other electronic gadgets? I shudder to think!
We're taught math in school, but as soon as our teachers are convinced that we are able to apply the bare minimum of basic arithmetic skills, we are handed calculators. We move on to bigger and better things and let the calculator worry about the details. We can solve quadratic systems, but who knows how to work out a square root unaided?! I've met folks who can't even remember how to do long division, it's been so long since they've even attempted math without a calculator. They don't even know where to begin unless it's to start punching in numbers on their cell phone calculator!
I ran into a frightening example yesterday when I was asked, in the absence of a calculator, to crunch some numbers.
"What's 7 plus 9?" she asks me.
"Seven plus nine?" I look at her quizzically, "Sixteen."
She thinks about this for a minute, then looks to me again, "And what's 22 minus 16?"
"Six... Are you testing me?"
"No, I'm just trying to work something out."
I was dumbfounded!
This is a girl who has a post-secondary education. This is a girl who's been awarded scholarships. She is not stupid! I have no doubt that, had she taken a minute to think about it, she could have worked out those math problems without issue. The problem is that everyone is so used to having a quick, easy answer provided, without thought or effort. Still, I was startled at being asked to work out such a simple problem.
It makes me wonder where we're headed. If things are this bad now, where will we be a few years down the road? Will we have become totally helpless without our calculators and various other electronic gadgets? I shudder to think!
Thursday, May 22, 2008
What do I want?
I don't know where to go from here. I'm just playing the waiting game. I'm waiting to go back to school. I'm waiting for the tension to break. I'm waiting for something to change.
And I feel like I can't accomplish anything right now. I can't get anything done while I'm waiting like this. I'm just stuck in a rut.
I want to write, but I can't even do that.
More than anything, I want to travel! But I know that that's not a possibility right now. I know that most of my desire to travel is being fed by a desire to run away. I'm having trouble dealing with all this right now, so I want to get away from it. I always run away.
I mean, I do like travelling in and of itself, but I know that the feeling of urgency is coming from my desire to escape.
Knowing that doesn't make the feeling any less acute though. I still want to travel just as much. I want to get out and away and see things. I want to experience things and meet people.
There are so many places I want to go. So many things I want to see. I feel like I'll never have the time or the money to be able to get to them all.
I know that I have to stay put and sit tight until I'm finished my degree. But it's so hard not to think about planning a trip sooner than that. It's so hard not to consider the possibility working abroad for a few months or taking a quick jaunt across the border at Christmas.
I find myself working out prices and timing. Then telling myself that it's ridiculous to even think about going on a trip any time in the near future. Then doing it all over again!
And I feel like I can't accomplish anything right now. I can't get anything done while I'm waiting like this. I'm just stuck in a rut.
I want to write, but I can't even do that.
More than anything, I want to travel! But I know that that's not a possibility right now. I know that most of my desire to travel is being fed by a desire to run away. I'm having trouble dealing with all this right now, so I want to get away from it. I always run away.
I mean, I do like travelling in and of itself, but I know that the feeling of urgency is coming from my desire to escape.
Knowing that doesn't make the feeling any less acute though. I still want to travel just as much. I want to get out and away and see things. I want to experience things and meet people.
There are so many places I want to go. So many things I want to see. I feel like I'll never have the time or the money to be able to get to them all.
I know that I have to stay put and sit tight until I'm finished my degree. But it's so hard not to think about planning a trip sooner than that. It's so hard not to consider the possibility working abroad for a few months or taking a quick jaunt across the border at Christmas.
I find myself working out prices and timing. Then telling myself that it's ridiculous to even think about going on a trip any time in the near future. Then doing it all over again!
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Falling...
I'm falling. I'm hurting. I'm helpless and I'm stuck. Facing another day of all this trouble seems unbearable. But what else can I do? I haven't much of a choice now, have I? I just want to make it all stop. But I don't have any control over that. I don't get to dictate when people behave and when they are civil. I don't get to decide when they cooperate. I'm trying to do the best that I can. I'm trying to bridge the gap. I'm trying to make things easier. But, it's not enough.
I can't make my brother come to his senses. I can't make him have a reasonable converstaion with my parents. I can't make my dad keep his cool when he talks to him. I can't really make too much of a difference at all!
I've tried to talk to him. I've tried to reason with him. I've tried to help.
I've tried to support my mom. I've tried to reassure her. I've tried to be less of a drain. I don't want to drag her down.
I'm scared. I feel like things are falling apart. I feel like we've all been pushed to the limit. I'm just waiting for something to give way. I'm waiting for someone to break. I feel like this whole thing could detonate any second. And I'm terrified.
I'm afraid of what's going to happen to all of us. I'm afraid for Mom.
She's right, she doesn't deserve this. I want to help her. I want to make it better. I do. I wish I could. But things just keep getting worse.
I can't do this. I want out!
But I can't abandon ship and leave my parents behind. I can't leave my mom to suffer through this on her own. (I'm not sure what goes on inside my dad's head but I want for him to be okay too.)
And besides, where would I go? What would I do? How would I feel? Knowing that I'd just run away? Again.
So, I can't get away from this one. There is no way to just leave it behind, but there doesn't seem to be any way to resolve it either. We're stuck. All of us. We're all frantically flailing, trying to figure out where to go from here, but no one is actually moving forward. No one's making any progress.
When it was obvious that my fiance wasn't making any progress, that he was just spinning his wheels, I left him. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but I couldn't hold on any more. I kept hoping for something that was never going to come. I kept lying to myself. Tricking myself into believing in this ideal outcome that was never going to be realized. I had to stop kidding myself. I had to wake up and let go.
And I did. Eventually.
It was awful and painful. But we went our separate ways.
I was able to do that with my fiance. I can't walk away from my family though. I can't tell them that "it isn't working out" and move on. I have to persevere.
But I just want it too stop. I want it to stop hurting. I want everyone to stop hurting.
I especially want my mother to stop hurting. I want for her to be able to just enjoy life. I want for her to be happy. I don't want her to have to worry any more. I want her to have it easy. For once in her life!
And I can't give that too her.
I'm trying hard not to cause any trouble. I'm trying not to make things any worse. Don't make any waves, don't stir the pot. I'm trying to be easy and cooperative and supportive. But I can't make everyone else behave. I can't make them make her life easier. I can't fix this! And it hurts.
I'm afraid. I'm afraid. I'm so scared.
I'm afraid of what's gonna happen to her. I'm afraid of my family falling apart. I'm afraid of this stupid squabble destroying my parents. I'm afraid of what I might do.
I can't make my brother come to his senses. I can't make him have a reasonable converstaion with my parents. I can't make my dad keep his cool when he talks to him. I can't really make too much of a difference at all!
I've tried to talk to him. I've tried to reason with him. I've tried to help.
I've tried to support my mom. I've tried to reassure her. I've tried to be less of a drain. I don't want to drag her down.
I'm scared. I feel like things are falling apart. I feel like we've all been pushed to the limit. I'm just waiting for something to give way. I'm waiting for someone to break. I feel like this whole thing could detonate any second. And I'm terrified.
I'm afraid of what's going to happen to all of us. I'm afraid for Mom.
She's right, she doesn't deserve this. I want to help her. I want to make it better. I do. I wish I could. But things just keep getting worse.
I can't do this. I want out!
But I can't abandon ship and leave my parents behind. I can't leave my mom to suffer through this on her own. (I'm not sure what goes on inside my dad's head but I want for him to be okay too.)
And besides, where would I go? What would I do? How would I feel? Knowing that I'd just run away? Again.
So, I can't get away from this one. There is no way to just leave it behind, but there doesn't seem to be any way to resolve it either. We're stuck. All of us. We're all frantically flailing, trying to figure out where to go from here, but no one is actually moving forward. No one's making any progress.
When it was obvious that my fiance wasn't making any progress, that he was just spinning his wheels, I left him. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but I couldn't hold on any more. I kept hoping for something that was never going to come. I kept lying to myself. Tricking myself into believing in this ideal outcome that was never going to be realized. I had to stop kidding myself. I had to wake up and let go.
And I did. Eventually.
It was awful and painful. But we went our separate ways.
I was able to do that with my fiance. I can't walk away from my family though. I can't tell them that "it isn't working out" and move on. I have to persevere.
But I just want it too stop. I want it to stop hurting. I want everyone to stop hurting.
I especially want my mother to stop hurting. I want for her to be able to just enjoy life. I want for her to be happy. I don't want her to have to worry any more. I want her to have it easy. For once in her life!
And I can't give that too her.
I'm trying hard not to cause any trouble. I'm trying not to make things any worse. Don't make any waves, don't stir the pot. I'm trying to be easy and cooperative and supportive. But I can't make everyone else behave. I can't make them make her life easier. I can't fix this! And it hurts.
I'm afraid. I'm afraid. I'm so scared.
I'm afraid of what's gonna happen to her. I'm afraid of my family falling apart. I'm afraid of this stupid squabble destroying my parents. I'm afraid of what I might do.
Clarissa Falls Catastrophe
So, I did a bit more reading... Upon finding a more recent article, it appears that the Clarissa Falls Hotel that I fell in love with no longer exists as such. It is now Clarissa Falls Resort and has been built up quite a bit. The shared bunks and cabins exist no more. It's just suites and a few decidely cushy double rooms. Not what I had been hoping for!
Oh well, at least there's still Playa de Muerto.
I guess I'd better get there before excess tourism ruins it too!
Oh well, at least there's still Playa de Muerto.
I guess I'd better get there before excess tourism ruins it too!
Destination: Belize
So, discovering Playa de Muerto in Panama prompted me to do a bit of digging in Belize. I remember stopping at a hotel on the Mopan river for lunch while we were in Belize. I remember hearing that it had these sort of simple accomodations available. Dirt floors and mosquito nets over the beds, curtains over windows with no glass. It appealed to me. I mean, don't get me wrong, the Mopan River Resort was wonderful! But, it felt so removed from reality. We were separated from the locals, we were the rich (North) Americans staying in the fancy resort. We saw the countryside, but we didn't really see the country.
I swore that if I ever went back to Belize, I'd stay in that little hotel. I'd stay there, in their most down-to-earth, inexpensive room. I'd stay there and enjoy every minute of it!
The only problem is, I forgot where there was! I forgot the name of the hotel. I remember exactly how to get there (by boat) from the Mopan River Resort. I remember what it looked like and which side of the river it was on. I just couldn't quite recall the name!
Well, I did a little digging and, I found it!
Clarissa Falls Resort.
I should've known! It was "just past Clarissa Falls" after all. I remembered that. Why couldn't I remember that the place was named for that little set of rapids right beside it?
Anyway, apparently they now offer more "comfortable" accomodations that the modest rooms I was first told about. However, those rooms do still exist! They offer everthing from camping to suites! (With double rooms and shared bunks sitting somewhere between the two in luxury and price.)
Hopefully I can get there before it gets any more "mainstream" and becomes totally upscale.
If not, well, I guess I'll just focus my energies on getting to Playa de Muerto in Panama!
I swore that if I ever went back to Belize, I'd stay in that little hotel. I'd stay there, in their most down-to-earth, inexpensive room. I'd stay there and enjoy every minute of it!
The only problem is, I forgot where there was! I forgot the name of the hotel. I remember exactly how to get there (by boat) from the Mopan River Resort. I remember what it looked like and which side of the river it was on. I just couldn't quite recall the name!
Well, I did a little digging and, I found it!
Clarissa Falls Resort.
I should've known! It was "just past Clarissa Falls" after all. I remembered that. Why couldn't I remember that the place was named for that little set of rapids right beside it?
Anyway, apparently they now offer more "comfortable" accomodations that the modest rooms I was first told about. However, those rooms do still exist! They offer everthing from camping to suites! (With double rooms and shared bunks sitting somewhere between the two in luxury and price.)
Hopefully I can get there before it gets any more "mainstream" and becomes totally upscale.
If not, well, I guess I'll just focus my energies on getting to Playa de Muerto in Panama!
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Destination: Panama
So, I think that I may have found the gratest place ever (in Panama n'anyway)!
Playa de Muerto.
It looks amazing! As far as I can tell, it's run by Embera in the Darien. It's a no frills hotel; very remote, very isolated, right on the coast.
You fly into Panama City, then catch another flight 40-minute flight out to Garachine. From here, you spend two-and-a-half hours on a motorized cayuco (canoe) to Playa de Muerto.
Once you get to Playa de Muerto, you're almost completely cut off from the outside world. The only phones in the entire village are two pay phones which are frequently out of order. And Internet service... forget about it! The local language is Embera. Most of the locals speak Spanish as a second language. English is not spoken. The surrounding jungle is completely unspoilt. The standard hotel bathroom is an "Embera-style privy". (Though if you find this distasteful, they can arrange for use of the bathrooms at the local school.) The idea of using a simple outhouse or latrine doesn't bother me in the least (though I might consider bringing my own toilet paper), it's all part of the experience! Right?
I love this idea! I want to go here. I have to go here!
Playa de Muerto.
It looks amazing! As far as I can tell, it's run by Embera in the Darien. It's a no frills hotel; very remote, very isolated, right on the coast.
You fly into Panama City, then catch another flight 40-minute flight out to Garachine. From here, you spend two-and-a-half hours on a motorized cayuco (canoe) to Playa de Muerto.
Once you get to Playa de Muerto, you're almost completely cut off from the outside world. The only phones in the entire village are two pay phones which are frequently out of order. And Internet service... forget about it! The local language is Embera. Most of the locals speak Spanish as a second language. English is not spoken. The surrounding jungle is completely unspoilt. The standard hotel bathroom is an "Embera-style privy". (Though if you find this distasteful, they can arrange for use of the bathrooms at the local school.) The idea of using a simple outhouse or latrine doesn't bother me in the least (though I might consider bringing my own toilet paper), it's all part of the experience! Right?
I love this idea! I want to go here. I have to go here!
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Woes
Family is falling apart and I don't know what to do.
I've done so many things that I'm ashamed of. I've done so many awful, callous, hurtful things. I wish I could take them back. I wish I could change it. I wish I could make it better.
I'm trying to do better now. I'm trying not to screw up again. I'm trying not to make things any worse. I'm trying to help.
But I'm afraid that I'll fall apart. I'm afraid that, despite my best intentions, I'll start sliding down that slippery slope again. That I'll think I'm doing what's best when I'm really being destructive.
It always seems like a good idea at the time.
What if I'm not out of the woods yet. I feel like I can't trust myself. I don't have a very good track record. I'm afraid of what I might do.
How am I supposed to help everyone else if I'm not even sure if I can keep myself on track? I want to help but, what am I supposed to do? I'm willing to help but, I don't think I'm qualified.
My brother is making bad decisions and tearing my family apart. He doesn't see it. He only sees that he's been wronged. He thinks that my parents owe him something. He thinks that they're trying to control him and that he's being strong by defying them.
He's hurting them. He's hurting all of us.
He's hurting too. He's struggling. He's drowning. But he's not willing to compromise. He'd rather sink on his own terms than swim with my parents' help, if accepting their help means accepting their terms.
I want to tell him to talk to them, to try to work things out, but he's not interested in that. It's a power struggle and he's determined to win. My parents want to do what's best for him and he wants to do things his own way. His own way is self-destructive but, he thinks that my parents should let him do whatever he wants (regardless of whether or not it destroys him) just because he wants it. He wants to be an adult. He wants to make his own decisions. And he doesn't seem to care how many people his decisions hurt. He only sees his own strife and pain. He's blind to everyone around him. He doesn't want to know.
I've tried to tell him about some of my experiences. About how much I regret some of the decisions I've made. About how much damage I've done. I try to explain to him that I'm still mending the rifts and patching things up.
But, he has no regrets. Yes, I made mistakes, but not him. He knows what he's doing. He knows what's best for him. How dare anyone else try to tell him what to do. He's not me. He's not making mistakes like I did.
Then again... I guess I didn't think I was making mistakes at the time either. I thought that I was doing what was best. I wasn't aiming to hurt anyone. I was trying to do what was best. I didn't see until afterwards what a fool I'd been.
So, maybe there's no helping him. Maybe this just has to run its course. Maybe, in time, he'll understand that we weren't just there to be a thorn in his side. He'll understand that we were trying to save him from himself.
Or maybe he'll never reach that point. Maybe this is it. Maybe he's gone for good and we just have to learn to deal with that.
I'm just afraid that we won't survive it. I'm afraid that one more nudge is going to push my whole family over the edge. I'm terrified. And I don't know what to do.
I can't make him reconcile with my parents. I can't make him see reason. As he has so masterfully proved, we can't make him do anything!
I'm trying to help as best I can. I'm trying to talk to him. I'm trying to support my parents. I'm trying not to cause any more stress or trouble. I'm just afraid that something's gonna happen. I'm afraid that I'm gonna do something stupid. I'm scared stiff that I'm going to be the straw that broke the camel's back.
I have to make sure that I stay on the straight and narrow. I have to make sure that everything runs smoothly, no bumps in the road, no hiccoughs. I don't want to add any more stress. They don't deserve all the trouble they're having with my brother and I don't want to give them any more. I've already caused more than enough trouble and embarrassment. I've already done more than enough harm. I just want things to be better now.
I wish that I could give my parents back all that I have taken from them. All the time, money, life, energy, joy, effort, dignity. But, being that I can't undo all my past wrongs, I just wish that things were better now. I want for them to be happy now. I want for them to be able to enjoy life now. I want for my brother to realize what he's doing before it's too late. I want my family back!
I've done so many things that I'm ashamed of. I've done so many awful, callous, hurtful things. I wish I could take them back. I wish I could change it. I wish I could make it better.
I'm trying to do better now. I'm trying not to screw up again. I'm trying not to make things any worse. I'm trying to help.
But I'm afraid that I'll fall apart. I'm afraid that, despite my best intentions, I'll start sliding down that slippery slope again. That I'll think I'm doing what's best when I'm really being destructive.
It always seems like a good idea at the time.
What if I'm not out of the woods yet. I feel like I can't trust myself. I don't have a very good track record. I'm afraid of what I might do.
How am I supposed to help everyone else if I'm not even sure if I can keep myself on track? I want to help but, what am I supposed to do? I'm willing to help but, I don't think I'm qualified.
My brother is making bad decisions and tearing my family apart. He doesn't see it. He only sees that he's been wronged. He thinks that my parents owe him something. He thinks that they're trying to control him and that he's being strong by defying them.
He's hurting them. He's hurting all of us.
He's hurting too. He's struggling. He's drowning. But he's not willing to compromise. He'd rather sink on his own terms than swim with my parents' help, if accepting their help means accepting their terms.
I want to tell him to talk to them, to try to work things out, but he's not interested in that. It's a power struggle and he's determined to win. My parents want to do what's best for him and he wants to do things his own way. His own way is self-destructive but, he thinks that my parents should let him do whatever he wants (regardless of whether or not it destroys him) just because he wants it. He wants to be an adult. He wants to make his own decisions. And he doesn't seem to care how many people his decisions hurt. He only sees his own strife and pain. He's blind to everyone around him. He doesn't want to know.
I've tried to tell him about some of my experiences. About how much I regret some of the decisions I've made. About how much damage I've done. I try to explain to him that I'm still mending the rifts and patching things up.
But, he has no regrets. Yes, I made mistakes, but not him. He knows what he's doing. He knows what's best for him. How dare anyone else try to tell him what to do. He's not me. He's not making mistakes like I did.
Then again... I guess I didn't think I was making mistakes at the time either. I thought that I was doing what was best. I wasn't aiming to hurt anyone. I was trying to do what was best. I didn't see until afterwards what a fool I'd been.
So, maybe there's no helping him. Maybe this just has to run its course. Maybe, in time, he'll understand that we weren't just there to be a thorn in his side. He'll understand that we were trying to save him from himself.
Or maybe he'll never reach that point. Maybe this is it. Maybe he's gone for good and we just have to learn to deal with that.
I'm just afraid that we won't survive it. I'm afraid that one more nudge is going to push my whole family over the edge. I'm terrified. And I don't know what to do.
I can't make him reconcile with my parents. I can't make him see reason. As he has so masterfully proved, we can't make him do anything!
I'm trying to help as best I can. I'm trying to talk to him. I'm trying to support my parents. I'm trying not to cause any more stress or trouble. I'm just afraid that something's gonna happen. I'm afraid that I'm gonna do something stupid. I'm scared stiff that I'm going to be the straw that broke the camel's back.
I have to make sure that I stay on the straight and narrow. I have to make sure that everything runs smoothly, no bumps in the road, no hiccoughs. I don't want to add any more stress. They don't deserve all the trouble they're having with my brother and I don't want to give them any more. I've already caused more than enough trouble and embarrassment. I've already done more than enough harm. I just want things to be better now.
I wish that I could give my parents back all that I have taken from them. All the time, money, life, energy, joy, effort, dignity. But, being that I can't undo all my past wrongs, I just wish that things were better now. I want for them to be happy now. I want for them to be able to enjoy life now. I want for my brother to realize what he's doing before it's too late. I want my family back!
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Going Deaf?
So, I need to go get my hearing tested. Again.
Well... I guess, strictly speaking, I don't need to. But, seeing as I'm finding it almost impossible to communicate orally as of late, I think it's probably a good idea. I can't hear what people are saying to me half the time. Even in the best of conditions I have to ask the speaker to repeat themselves three or four times! If there's background noise or wind or they're facing away from me... forget it!
It's strange though... other sounds, I seem to be able to hear fine. I can hear music, noise, sound effects, etc. I just can't seem to decipher words. I'll catch a few here and there, but most of the conversation just sounds like mush. After a couple of repeats, when I'm too embarrassed or impatient to ask the person to repeat what they said (yet again!), I just guess at the words I missed and try to fill in the blanks. Sometimes I get it close and actually manage to form a meaningful response. More often, I'm completely off the mark and, I leave the speaker confused by my seemingly unrelated comment.
It's making things difficult for me at work. And I can only imagine what'll happen once I go back to school! So, for this, I am getting my ears tested. Unfortunately, it means waiting for ages at the walk-in clinic to see a doctor, who will then refer me to an audiologist, who I then fork out cash to to administer the test. And, if it's anything like last time, I'll just be told that my hearing is "below average" (worse in my left ear than my right) but that I shouldn't worry about it. Easier said than done though, right?
First of all, it's pretty hard not to worry about a problem that is preventing me from communicating with people! Second, how do I know that this isn't going to get worse? I'm pretty sure that my hearing is worse now than it was when I had the original test done four years ago. What if it keeps slipping? I mean, if I'm going deaf, okay, fine. But if it's possible to predict, if I can know in advance, prepare for it, than that would definitely be preferable. Then again... it could be nothing. Maybe it's all in my head. Maybe my hearing really hasn't gotten any worse. But then, why am I having so much more trouble now? Maybe it's just something silly. Like earwax build-up. Maybe I just need to have my ears cleaned. That could explain it. That's probably what it is. And I'm just sitting here getting all worked up over nothing. Well... I guess we'll see, won't we.
If it isn't earwax, then I hope it's something that either gets better or worse.
I know, that sounds silly, right? But, what I mean is, I don't want it to stay the same. I either want it to get better, so I can hear normally again; or I want it to get worse, so I need a hearing aid or something. I hate being stuck in the middle! Bad enough that it impedes my conversations, that it's frustrating to me and people trying to talk to me, but good enough that no one will do anything about it. "Below average" but "nothing to worry about"!
Anyway, like I said, we'll see how it goes!
Well... I guess, strictly speaking, I don't need to. But, seeing as I'm finding it almost impossible to communicate orally as of late, I think it's probably a good idea. I can't hear what people are saying to me half the time. Even in the best of conditions I have to ask the speaker to repeat themselves three or four times! If there's background noise or wind or they're facing away from me... forget it!
It's strange though... other sounds, I seem to be able to hear fine. I can hear music, noise, sound effects, etc. I just can't seem to decipher words. I'll catch a few here and there, but most of the conversation just sounds like mush. After a couple of repeats, when I'm too embarrassed or impatient to ask the person to repeat what they said (yet again!), I just guess at the words I missed and try to fill in the blanks. Sometimes I get it close and actually manage to form a meaningful response. More often, I'm completely off the mark and, I leave the speaker confused by my seemingly unrelated comment.
It's making things difficult for me at work. And I can only imagine what'll happen once I go back to school! So, for this, I am getting my ears tested. Unfortunately, it means waiting for ages at the walk-in clinic to see a doctor, who will then refer me to an audiologist, who I then fork out cash to to administer the test. And, if it's anything like last time, I'll just be told that my hearing is "below average" (worse in my left ear than my right) but that I shouldn't worry about it. Easier said than done though, right?
First of all, it's pretty hard not to worry about a problem that is preventing me from communicating with people! Second, how do I know that this isn't going to get worse? I'm pretty sure that my hearing is worse now than it was when I had the original test done four years ago. What if it keeps slipping? I mean, if I'm going deaf, okay, fine. But if it's possible to predict, if I can know in advance, prepare for it, than that would definitely be preferable. Then again... it could be nothing. Maybe it's all in my head. Maybe my hearing really hasn't gotten any worse. But then, why am I having so much more trouble now? Maybe it's just something silly. Like earwax build-up. Maybe I just need to have my ears cleaned. That could explain it. That's probably what it is. And I'm just sitting here getting all worked up over nothing. Well... I guess we'll see, won't we.
If it isn't earwax, then I hope it's something that either gets better or worse.
I know, that sounds silly, right? But, what I mean is, I don't want it to stay the same. I either want it to get better, so I can hear normally again; or I want it to get worse, so I need a hearing aid or something. I hate being stuck in the middle! Bad enough that it impedes my conversations, that it's frustrating to me and people trying to talk to me, but good enough that no one will do anything about it. "Below average" but "nothing to worry about"!
Anyway, like I said, we'll see how it goes!
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Toronto Sun Trash Talk
I'm not usually much of a newspaper reader. But, I did pick up the paper today. What can I say? The front page caught my eye.
Click on the picture for a link to the full story.
I'll give you the gist of it here.
Basically, people are upset because male reindeer fawns born at the zoo this year are being euthanized. Now, yes, at first glance this does sound bad. But, there's more to the story. They are not being killed willy-nilly, there was a lot of debate and discussion before the decision was made. Yes, the reindeer are being killed but, there is a reason behind it.
First of all, the zoo doesn't have any more room for the males. (More females don't require more space as they can be added to the current herd with no problems.) The males however, will fight for control of the harem and breeding rights so, any additional males would need to be kept in a separate enclosure (for which there isn't currently room at the zoo). At this point the zoo would normally try to sell the males to another zoo. However, no one seems to be in the market for male reindeer right now. They can't even give them away! Releasing them into the wild in not an option. So, what are we left with?
The only real options are to euthanize them now, as babies, or to raise them to maturity and have a sale on reindeer steak next spring. (I'm sure that the second option would cause almost as much of an outcry as the first.)
There are a few, much less viable options.
Let's see... we could adopt them out to the public. <sarcasm>Yeah, that's a good idea!</sarcasm> I don't think I need to say any more on that topic!
They could keep them at the zoo. In the enclosures that already have enough males. But, I don't think visitors to the zoo would much like seeing rutting reindeer fighting and injuring each other every mating season. I guess some would argue that this is not a problem as the same thing would be happening in the wild. However, in the wild, reindeer are not kept in confined enclosures. They can get away from each other. Keeping a bunch of male reindeer locked in a confined space together would be cruel. As far as I'm concerned, it would be no better than dog fights, or cock-fighting!
The only other thing that occurs to me, is to release the unwanted males. This does not seem prudent however. First of all, I worry about them affecting the ecosystem. Then, you have to worry about them actually surviving! If they're used to having food provided for them, it's going to be a rude awakening to suddenly have to forage for food! Then there's the predators to contend with. Releasing them into the wild would likely cause a much slower, more distressful death than being euthanized as a fawn.
So, really, I don't see any other options here. As the zoo reps said, what they're doing is a "necessary evil". It's unfortunate, but true. I wish that the Sun's journalist could have seen that. Instead, they just try to manipulate readers' emotions to cause a reaction. Instead of providing facts, they're spewing buzz words!
I understand that most newspapers are biased. However, I found this to be extreme. I was quite upset by the way it was presented. I understand why the zoo is doing what it's doing and I wish that the Sun hadn't been so anxious to jump on a story that would get a rise out of people that they ignored most of the facts!
Click on the picture for a link to the full story.
I'll give you the gist of it here.
Basically, people are upset because male reindeer fawns born at the zoo this year are being euthanized. Now, yes, at first glance this does sound bad. But, there's more to the story. They are not being killed willy-nilly, there was a lot of debate and discussion before the decision was made. Yes, the reindeer are being killed but, there is a reason behind it.
First of all, the zoo doesn't have any more room for the males. (More females don't require more space as they can be added to the current herd with no problems.) The males however, will fight for control of the harem and breeding rights so, any additional males would need to be kept in a separate enclosure (for which there isn't currently room at the zoo). At this point the zoo would normally try to sell the males to another zoo. However, no one seems to be in the market for male reindeer right now. They can't even give them away! Releasing them into the wild in not an option. So, what are we left with?
The only real options are to euthanize them now, as babies, or to raise them to maturity and have a sale on reindeer steak next spring. (I'm sure that the second option would cause almost as much of an outcry as the first.)
There are a few, much less viable options.
Let's see... we could adopt them out to the public. <sarcasm>Yeah, that's a good idea!</sarcasm> I don't think I need to say any more on that topic!
They could keep them at the zoo. In the enclosures that already have enough males. But, I don't think visitors to the zoo would much like seeing rutting reindeer fighting and injuring each other every mating season. I guess some would argue that this is not a problem as the same thing would be happening in the wild. However, in the wild, reindeer are not kept in confined enclosures. They can get away from each other. Keeping a bunch of male reindeer locked in a confined space together would be cruel. As far as I'm concerned, it would be no better than dog fights, or cock-fighting!
The only other thing that occurs to me, is to release the unwanted males. This does not seem prudent however. First of all, I worry about them affecting the ecosystem. Then, you have to worry about them actually surviving! If they're used to having food provided for them, it's going to be a rude awakening to suddenly have to forage for food! Then there's the predators to contend with. Releasing them into the wild would likely cause a much slower, more distressful death than being euthanized as a fawn.
So, really, I don't see any other options here. As the zoo reps said, what they're doing is a "necessary evil". It's unfortunate, but true. I wish that the Sun's journalist could have seen that. Instead, they just try to manipulate readers' emotions to cause a reaction. Instead of providing facts, they're spewing buzz words!
I understand that most newspapers are biased. However, I found this to be extreme. I was quite upset by the way it was presented. I understand why the zoo is doing what it's doing and I wish that the Sun hadn't been so anxious to jump on a story that would get a rise out of people that they ignored most of the facts!
Getting Organized
So... I've got a to-do list about a mile long, and I seem to be adding items to it faster than I'm taking them off! I'm working away at it though, and I should have everything under control before too long.
Really, I should be working on something productive instead of writing in here, but I just need a bit of down time. I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off all day, and I'm so frazzled that I can barely think straight. I tell myself that a bit of blogging will help me relax and get my thoughts in order so that I can put my mind to something more useful (sooner or later). That's what I tell myself n'anyway.
Once I'm through here, I should probably do a bit of coding. I'm supposed to have a basic, testable demo of my software ready in two weeks, so I really need to get moving on it. And I should probably check to see if registration is open for my courses yet. I have to make sure I get in before they all fill up! I already checked out residence and the financial aid site; it's too early to apply to either of them yet. I'll have to check back in a month or so. But, course registration should be open now. I should look into that either today or tomorrow.
I would like to sit down and write out some Spanish notes at some point too. Figure out if I have any questions, where I should focus next. I think I'm too hyper to do that tonight though. Maybe over the "weekend"...
Outside of that I have a plethora of other miscellaneous tasks to complete.
There's that sock that I've been knitting since before Christmas.
Or the tidying that I've been promising myself I'd do for months now.
The books I've been trying to read.
The books that I said I'd read after I finished the ones that I'm already reading.
And I should really log into my Language and Grammar forum at some point and see how everybody's doing.
Then, of course, there's all the letters and packages that I've been meaning to post. (In the mail, not online!)
And I can't forget good old calculus and Java! Heaven forbid! I hate them both but, alas, they are necessary evils. So, I really should get some practice in on them. Make sure I know how to use them both before I head back to school in the fall.
I guess those are all the biggies. I know there's probably more that've slipped my mind. But, that's certainly enough for now! I think that list will keep me busy for quite a while. What between that and work and the daily grind.
Well... I think that's all the organizing I feel like doing for now. My thoughts seem to be ordered enough at the moment (even if my head is still buzzing a little bit).
I'll be back soon enough. Don't worry.
Really, I should be working on something productive instead of writing in here, but I just need a bit of down time. I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off all day, and I'm so frazzled that I can barely think straight. I tell myself that a bit of blogging will help me relax and get my thoughts in order so that I can put my mind to something more useful (sooner or later). That's what I tell myself n'anyway.
Once I'm through here, I should probably do a bit of coding. I'm supposed to have a basic, testable demo of my software ready in two weeks, so I really need to get moving on it. And I should probably check to see if registration is open for my courses yet. I have to make sure I get in before they all fill up! I already checked out residence and the financial aid site; it's too early to apply to either of them yet. I'll have to check back in a month or so. But, course registration should be open now. I should look into that either today or tomorrow.
I would like to sit down and write out some Spanish notes at some point too. Figure out if I have any questions, where I should focus next. I think I'm too hyper to do that tonight though. Maybe over the "weekend"...
Outside of that I have a plethora of other miscellaneous tasks to complete.
There's that sock that I've been knitting since before Christmas.
Or the tidying that I've been promising myself I'd do for months now.
The books I've been trying to read.
The books that I said I'd read after I finished the ones that I'm already reading.
And I should really log into my Language and Grammar forum at some point and see how everybody's doing.
Then, of course, there's all the letters and packages that I've been meaning to post. (In the mail, not online!)
And I can't forget good old calculus and Java! Heaven forbid! I hate them both but, alas, they are necessary evils. So, I really should get some practice in on them. Make sure I know how to use them both before I head back to school in the fall.
I guess those are all the biggies. I know there's probably more that've slipped my mind. But, that's certainly enough for now! I think that list will keep me busy for quite a while. What between that and work and the daily grind.
Well... I think that's all the organizing I feel like doing for now. My thoughts seem to be ordered enough at the moment (even if my head is still buzzing a little bit).
I'll be back soon enough. Don't worry.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Picking Up the Pieces
Well... Now that I've made a royal mess of things, it's time to start trying to get my life in order.
I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to go back to school or not. I was contemplating contingency plans, in case I couldn't finish my degree.
I got back in, thank goodness!
I just got a letter from the university, saying that I will be allowed to finish my degree come fall. I'll have to keep my marks up, of course, but at least I don't have to start over. At least I have something to go on.
I'm actually fairly excited (if somewhat terrified) at the prospect of going back to school.
I'm really going to have to buckle down. No fooling around. No getting off-track, falling behind. I have to prove myself.
It's a relief to at least know that I'm accepted though. That's one worry off my mind. Now I just need to get residence and tuition fees sorted out. I want a private room this time. And I need to apply to OSAP, see if I can get some assistance with my fees.
I should write to Ciaran too.
I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to go back to school or not. I was contemplating contingency plans, in case I couldn't finish my degree.
I got back in, thank goodness!
I just got a letter from the university, saying that I will be allowed to finish my degree come fall. I'll have to keep my marks up, of course, but at least I don't have to start over. At least I have something to go on.
I'm actually fairly excited (if somewhat terrified) at the prospect of going back to school.
I'm really going to have to buckle down. No fooling around. No getting off-track, falling behind. I have to prove myself.
It's a relief to at least know that I'm accepted though. That's one worry off my mind. Now I just need to get residence and tuition fees sorted out. I want a private room this time. And I need to apply to OSAP, see if I can get some assistance with my fees.
I should write to Ciaran too.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Tough Week
Tough week might be a bit of an understatement. It's been a tough year. A lot of it's been self-induced. Unfortunately. Not purposely, of course. But I have made some really bad judgement calls. So, as far as I'm concerned, that's self-induced.
I guess it started with panic. I got overwhelmed at shcool. I fell behind. My marks dropped. I was put on academic probation. I tried to go in for help. I tried to get counseling, to help me cope with the stress. The depression. I didn't want to tell my parents I was struggling. I didn't want them to know. But, I couldn't go back to school either. I felt trapped. I panicked! I ran away.
I went to Dublin.
I should've told my parents what was going on. I should've let them help me. But I didn't.
Bad judgement call #1.
I fell in love in Dublin. I got engaged.
My marriage fell through before it even started.
He's a great guy; caring, funny, compassionate, easy-going, interesting... but, we were out for different things. We couldn't reconcile our plans. If we could have just lived on our love, we might have been okay. But, someone needs to pay the bills. Someone needs to run the household. Being good friends isn't necessarily enough. Love... isn't necessarily enough.
I had to break it off.
I feel shitty about it. I know he would have moved oceans for me. I know he loved me. I know he was doing his best. But it just wasn't working. I know he was having a rough time. Still is. I feel like I'm kicking him when he's down. But, I don't know what else I could have done. We've talked, we've discussed, we've made compromises, we've changed approaches. We're still not happy. I held on for as long as I could. But, it was time to let go. It still smarts though.
Logically, I think I made the right choice but my heart still isn't sure. My head knows, but my heart doesn't see it.
I want for him to be okay. I want for him to be happy. But I couldn't keep lying to myself.
Now I just need some time to nurse the wound. We both do.
I guess it started with panic. I got overwhelmed at shcool. I fell behind. My marks dropped. I was put on academic probation. I tried to go in for help. I tried to get counseling, to help me cope with the stress. The depression. I didn't want to tell my parents I was struggling. I didn't want them to know. But, I couldn't go back to school either. I felt trapped. I panicked! I ran away.
I went to Dublin.
I should've told my parents what was going on. I should've let them help me. But I didn't.
Bad judgement call #1.
I fell in love in Dublin. I got engaged.
My marriage fell through before it even started.
He's a great guy; caring, funny, compassionate, easy-going, interesting... but, we were out for different things. We couldn't reconcile our plans. If we could have just lived on our love, we might have been okay. But, someone needs to pay the bills. Someone needs to run the household. Being good friends isn't necessarily enough. Love... isn't necessarily enough.
I had to break it off.
I feel shitty about it. I know he would have moved oceans for me. I know he loved me. I know he was doing his best. But it just wasn't working. I know he was having a rough time. Still is. I feel like I'm kicking him when he's down. But, I don't know what else I could have done. We've talked, we've discussed, we've made compromises, we've changed approaches. We're still not happy. I held on for as long as I could. But, it was time to let go. It still smarts though.
Logically, I think I made the right choice but my heart still isn't sure. My head knows, but my heart doesn't see it.
I want for him to be okay. I want for him to be happy. But I couldn't keep lying to myself.
Now I just need some time to nurse the wound. We both do.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Internet Explorer: The Bane of My Existence
Well... that pretty much sums it up. That damn browser is anathema to me. It manages to find an excuse to crash on me at least once a day. (And that's not even when I'm doing something particularly taxing!) I am so unbelievably tired of seeing that lovely little box asking if I would like to send an error report to the bastards at Microsoft! What I want is to be able to browse the web for more than 20 minutes at a time without my infernal browser closing up shop!
Normally this wouldn't be an issue, as I usually try to use Firefox. However, I'm using a borrowed computer at the moment so... installing another web browser is not an option right now. I'm stuck mucking around with (and cursing at) Explorer. ::sigh::
Normally this wouldn't be an issue, as I usually try to use Firefox. However, I'm using a borrowed computer at the moment so... installing another web browser is not an option right now. I'm stuck mucking around with (and cursing at) Explorer. ::sigh::
If at first you don't succeed...
So, after being sorely disappointed by Wetpaint Wikis (and LiveJournal and a few others), I've decided to give this another shot. The idea is to have a blog or site or some sort of sounding board outside my small circle of friends. It doesn't necessarily have to be anonymous (though that can be quite entertaining at times), but it needs to be somewhere where I can come and talk/write to "no one in particular". I feel like I have too much of an audience if I write to a blog on Bebo or Facebook or somesuch.
I had given up on finding such a place. But, after a friend directed me to his blog here, I decided to give it a shot. We'll see how it goes.
I had given up on finding such a place. But, after a friend directed me to his blog here, I decided to give it a shot. We'll see how it goes.
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