Falling...

I'm falling. I'm hurting. I'm helpless and I'm stuck. Facing another day of all this trouble seems unbearable. But what else can I do? I haven't much of a choice now, have I? I just want to make it all stop. But I don't have any control over that. I don't get to dictate when people behave and when they are civil. I don't get to decide when they cooperate. I'm trying to do the best that I can. I'm trying to bridge the gap. I'm trying to make things easier. But, it's not enough.
I can't make my brother come to his senses. I can't make him have a reasonable converstaion with my parents. I can't make my dad keep his cool when he talks to him. I can't really make too much of a difference at all!
I've tried to talk to him. I've tried to reason with him. I've tried to help.
I've tried to support my mom. I've tried to reassure her. I've tried to be less of a drain. I don't want to drag her down.

I'm scared. I feel like things are falling apart. I feel like we've all been pushed to the limit. I'm just waiting for something to give way. I'm waiting for someone to break. I feel like this whole thing could detonate any second. And I'm terrified.
I'm afraid of what's going to happen to all of us. I'm afraid for Mom.
She's right, she doesn't deserve this. I want to help her. I want to make it better. I do. I wish I could. But things just keep getting worse.

I can't do this. I want out!

But I can't abandon ship and leave my parents behind. I can't leave my mom to suffer through this on her own. (I'm not sure what goes on inside my dad's head but I want for him to be okay too.)
And besides, where would I go? What would I do? How would I feel? Knowing that I'd just run away? Again.
So, I can't get away from this one. There is no way to just leave it behind, but there doesn't seem to be any way to resolve it either. We're stuck. All of us. We're all frantically flailing, trying to figure out where to go from here, but no one is actually moving forward. No one's making any progress.

When it was obvious that my fiance wasn't making any progress, that he was just spinning his wheels, I left him. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but I couldn't hold on any more. I kept hoping for something that was never going to come. I kept lying to myself. Tricking myself into believing in this ideal outcome that was never going to be realized. I had to stop kidding myself. I had to wake up and let go.
And I did. Eventually.
It was awful and painful. But we went our separate ways.

I was able to do that with my fiance. I can't walk away from my family though. I can't tell them that "it isn't working out" and move on. I have to persevere.
But I just want it too stop. I want it to stop hurting. I want everyone to stop hurting.
I especially want my mother to stop hurting. I want for her to be able to just enjoy life. I want for her to be happy. I don't want her to have to worry any more. I want her to have it easy. For once in her life!
And I can't give that too her.
I'm trying hard not to cause any trouble. I'm trying not to make things any worse. Don't make any waves, don't stir the pot. I'm trying to be easy and cooperative and supportive. But I can't make everyone else behave. I can't make them make her life easier. I can't fix this! And it hurts.

I'm afraid. I'm afraid. I'm so scared.

I'm afraid of what's gonna happen to her. I'm afraid of my family falling apart. I'm afraid of this stupid squabble destroying my parents. I'm afraid of what I might do.