Woes

Family is falling apart and I don't know what to do.

I've done so many things that I'm ashamed of. I've done so many awful, callous, hurtful things. I wish I could take them back. I wish I could change it. I wish I could make it better.
I'm trying to do better now. I'm trying not to screw up again. I'm trying not to make things any worse. I'm trying to help.
But I'm afraid that I'll fall apart. I'm afraid that, despite my best intentions, I'll start sliding down that slippery slope again. That I'll think I'm doing what's best when I'm really being destructive.
It always seems like a good idea at the time.
What if I'm not out of the woods yet. I feel like I can't trust myself. I don't have a very good track record. I'm afraid of what I might do.

How am I supposed to help everyone else if I'm not even sure if I can keep myself on track? I want to help but, what am I supposed to do? I'm willing to help but, I don't think I'm qualified.

My brother is making bad decisions and tearing my family apart. He doesn't see it. He only sees that he's been wronged. He thinks that my parents owe him something. He thinks that they're trying to control him and that he's being strong by defying them.
He's hurting them. He's hurting all of us.
He's hurting too. He's struggling. He's drowning. But he's not willing to compromise. He'd rather sink on his own terms than swim with my parents' help, if accepting their help means accepting their terms.

I want to tell him to talk to them, to try to work things out, but he's not interested in that. It's a power struggle and he's determined to win. My parents want to do what's best for him and he wants to do things his own way. His own way is self-destructive but, he thinks that my parents should let him do whatever he wants (regardless of whether or not it destroys him) just because he wants it. He wants to be an adult. He wants to make his own decisions. And he doesn't seem to care how many people his decisions hurt. He only sees his own strife and pain. He's blind to everyone around him. He doesn't want to know.

I've tried to tell him about some of my experiences. About how much I regret some of the decisions I've made. About how much damage I've done. I try to explain to him that I'm still mending the rifts and patching things up.
But, he has no regrets. Yes, I made mistakes, but not him. He knows what he's doing. He knows what's best for him. How dare anyone else try to tell him what to do. He's not me. He's not making mistakes like I did.

Then again... I guess I didn't think I was making mistakes at the time either. I thought that I was doing what was best. I wasn't aiming to hurt anyone. I was trying to do what was best. I didn't see until afterwards what a fool I'd been.
So, maybe there's no helping him. Maybe this just has to run its course. Maybe, in time, he'll understand that we weren't just there to be a thorn in his side. He'll understand that we were trying to save him from himself.
Or maybe he'll never reach that point. Maybe this is it. Maybe he's gone for good and we just have to learn to deal with that.

I'm just afraid that we won't survive it. I'm afraid that one more nudge is going to push my whole family over the edge. I'm terrified. And I don't know what to do.
I can't make him reconcile with my parents. I can't make him see reason. As he has so masterfully proved, we can't make him do anything!
I'm trying to help as best I can. I'm trying to talk to him. I'm trying to support my parents. I'm trying not to cause any more stress or trouble. I'm just afraid that something's gonna happen. I'm afraid that I'm gonna do something stupid. I'm scared stiff that I'm going to be the straw that broke the camel's back.
I have to make sure that I stay on the straight and narrow. I have to make sure that everything runs smoothly, no bumps in the road, no hiccoughs. I don't want to add any more stress. They don't deserve all the trouble they're having with my brother and I don't want to give them any more. I've already caused more than enough trouble and embarrassment. I've already done more than enough harm. I just want things to be better now.

I wish that I could give my parents back all that I have taken from them. All the time, money, life, energy, joy, effort, dignity. But, being that I can't undo all my past wrongs, I just wish that things were better now. I want for them to be happy now. I want for them to be able to enjoy life now. I want for my brother to realize what he's doing before it's too late. I want my family back!