Tough Week

Tough week might be a bit of an understatement. It's been a tough year. A lot of it's been self-induced. Unfortunately. Not purposely, of course. But I have made some really bad judgement calls. So, as far as I'm concerned, that's self-induced.
I guess it started with panic. I got overwhelmed at shcool. I fell behind. My marks dropped. I was put on academic probation. I tried to go in for help. I tried to get counseling, to help me cope with the stress. The depression. I didn't want to tell my parents I was struggling. I didn't want them to know. But, I couldn't go back to school either. I felt trapped. I panicked! I ran away.
I went to Dublin.
I should've told my parents what was going on. I should've let them help me. But I didn't.
Bad judgement call #1.

I fell in love in Dublin. I got engaged.

My marriage fell through before it even started.
He's a great guy; caring, funny, compassionate, easy-going, interesting... but, we were out for different things. We couldn't reconcile our plans. If we could have just lived on our love, we might have been okay. But, someone needs to pay the bills. Someone needs to run the household. Being good friends isn't necessarily enough. Love... isn't necessarily enough.
I had to break it off.
I feel shitty about it. I know he would have moved oceans for me. I know he loved me. I know he was doing his best. But it just wasn't working. I know he was having a rough time. Still is. I feel like I'm kicking him when he's down. But, I don't know what else I could have done. We've talked, we've discussed, we've made compromises, we've changed approaches. We're still not happy. I held on for as long as I could. But, it was time to let go. It still smarts though.
Logically, I think I made the right choice but my heart still isn't sure. My head knows, but my heart doesn't see it.
I want for him to be okay. I want for him to be happy. But I couldn't keep lying to myself.
Now I just need some time to nurse the wound. We both do.