Why do I feel so alone? I don't even know what it is that I want. I just want to be close to someone. Not even necessarily romantically close. At least... not in the way I used to think I wanted, needed.
I feel like I have my thoughts and desires mostly sorted out now. Like my head is more-or-less clear. But I'm fairly certain that it'll get all bunged up again as soon as I'm back at school, back around people. I'd like to think that I won't. I'm going to try to stay clear-headed. But, if my past is any indication, I won't. Not for five minutes. Not even with all the resolve and insight and logic I can muster. I always fall into the same traps. As much as I know I should learn from them... As much as I tell myself that I have... As much as I come to understand my mistakes in hindsight... I still can't ever seem to avoid them completely. My brain takes a vacation and my kamikaze autopilot sends me towards disaster with anyone and everyone I meet.
Especially guys.
I'm a fool.
Fool. Sitting alone. Wishing. Waiting. Losing. All. I wish I could stop.
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