Title Page

I managed to get the title page of my scrapbook finished today. Nothing extravagant, just a bit of black ink. I picked out some fancy lettering in Word and printed the page, with the intention of tracing the lettering onto the first page of the journal. The pages are a bit thick though and it was nearly impossible to see the lettering through the paper. I ended up basically engraving the letters into the page instead. From there, I was able to use the pressure marks as a guide for pencil and, finally, ink.
It came out reasonably well, if I do say so myself! I mean, the first couple of letters have a few unsightly blips but, for the most part, it looks presentable.

Now I just need to get some photos together so I can start filling in the other pages!

Scrapbook

I picked up a beautiful, handmade, leather journal a week or so ago. It's absolutely gorgeous! It cost me nearly $50, but it was worth it. The cover's all beautifully tooled leather. The signatures are stitched in by hand with some brown cord. Lovely!
A book that nice needs to be made into something special. It's too nice to use for just plain old journaling. I want to make it into a family scrapbook. Not a bright, tacky, cheesy scrapbook. Something subdued, classy, and elegant. I'll need to get a few supplies, and it's gonna take a good long while to get everything together, but I really want to do this.
I'd like to give it to my parents when it's all done.

I've got a rough idea of what I want to put in it. It should only take about half to two-thirds of the book. That'll be nice though; that way we'll be able to add to it in years to come. As we accumulate more pictures, thoughts, and memories, we'll be able to create new pages. I think it'll be nice to have. We can compile it as a family, all our trips and memorable moments. Maybe even pass it down in the family. Who knows?
I think it'd be a fun project n'anyway.

Stormy

Well, our last calf was born yesterday afternoon. Beautiful little thing! All heifers this year. Really nice colours. One black, one chocolate brown, and... the latest one, a lovely, rich, reddish brown. There's a picture of her there. Stormy.

Corazón

Okay, so I've been listening to this Chilean pop rock band, La Ley, and I really like them. My friend got me onto them and I'm really enjoying their music!
Anyway... I wanted to try my hand at writing something. It's probably pretty bad, but... here's what I came up with:

Corazón
Quiero solo tu amor.
Quiero solo amarte.
Toda mi vida es para tí.
Y todo lo que quieres daré a tí,
Si solo tu puedes amar a mí.

Te quiero...
Desde el fondo de mi corazón.
Te quiero...
Sin prueba, sin razón.

Pero aquí estoy,
Todo solo!
Y allí estás,
Siempre lejos.

Y no sé si puedo existir.
Y no sé todavía que decir.
Pero...

Te amo...
Desde el fondo de mi corazón.
Te amo...
Sin prueba, sin razón.

Mi corazon...
Le doy a tí.


I know that there are a few lines that probably don't make a whole lot of sense or don't quite work syntax-wise... Maybe I'll be able to fix it up later.

Math Skills?

I've often worried at peoples' dependence on calculators and other technology. They can't write without a spell checker. They can't do math without a calculator. They can't communicate without using l33t-speak or some other form of abbreviation. People have lost the ability to think for themselves. Every problem has become so easy to solve with the push of a few buttons that we've forgotten how to work it out on our own!

We're taught math in school, but as soon as our teachers are convinced that we are able to apply the bare minimum of basic arithmetic skills, we are handed calculators. We move on to bigger and better things and let the calculator worry about the details. We can solve quadratic systems, but who knows how to work out a square root unaided?! I've met folks who can't even remember how to do long division, it's been so long since they've even attempted math without a calculator. They don't even know where to begin unless it's to start punching in numbers on their cell phone calculator!

I ran into a frightening example yesterday when I was asked, in the absence of a calculator, to crunch some numbers.
"What's 7 plus 9?" she asks me.
"Seven plus nine?" I look at her quizzically, "Sixteen."
She thinks about this for a minute, then looks to me again, "And what's 22 minus 16?"
"Six... Are you testing me?"
"No, I'm just trying to work something out."
I was dumbfounded!
This is a girl who has a post-secondary education. This is a girl who's been awarded scholarships. She is not stupid! I have no doubt that, had she taken a minute to think about it, she could have worked out those math problems without issue. The problem is that everyone is so used to having a quick, easy answer provided, without thought or effort. Still, I was startled at being asked to work out such a simple problem.

It makes me wonder where we're headed. If things are this bad now, where will we be a few years down the road? Will we have become totally helpless without our calculators and various other electronic gadgets? I shudder to think!

What do I want?

I don't know where to go from here. I'm just playing the waiting game. I'm waiting to go back to school. I'm waiting for the tension to break. I'm waiting for something to change.
And I feel like I can't accomplish anything right now. I can't get anything done while I'm waiting like this. I'm just stuck in a rut.

I want to write, but I can't even do that.

More than anything, I want to travel! But I know that that's not a possibility right now. I know that most of my desire to travel is being fed by a desire to run away. I'm having trouble dealing with all this right now, so I want to get away from it. I always run away.
I mean, I do like travelling in and of itself, but I know that the feeling of urgency is coming from my desire to escape.
Knowing that doesn't make the feeling any less acute though. I still want to travel just as much. I want to get out and away and see things. I want to experience things and meet people.
There are so many places I want to go. So many things I want to see. I feel like I'll never have the time or the money to be able to get to them all.

I know that I have to stay put and sit tight until I'm finished my degree. But it's so hard not to think about planning a trip sooner than that. It's so hard not to consider the possibility working abroad for a few months or taking a quick jaunt across the border at Christmas.
I find myself working out prices and timing. Then telling myself that it's ridiculous to even think about going on a trip any time in the near future. Then doing it all over again!

Falling...

I'm falling. I'm hurting. I'm helpless and I'm stuck. Facing another day of all this trouble seems unbearable. But what else can I do? I haven't much of a choice now, have I? I just want to make it all stop. But I don't have any control over that. I don't get to dictate when people behave and when they are civil. I don't get to decide when they cooperate. I'm trying to do the best that I can. I'm trying to bridge the gap. I'm trying to make things easier. But, it's not enough.
I can't make my brother come to his senses. I can't make him have a reasonable converstaion with my parents. I can't make my dad keep his cool when he talks to him. I can't really make too much of a difference at all!
I've tried to talk to him. I've tried to reason with him. I've tried to help.
I've tried to support my mom. I've tried to reassure her. I've tried to be less of a drain. I don't want to drag her down.

I'm scared. I feel like things are falling apart. I feel like we've all been pushed to the limit. I'm just waiting for something to give way. I'm waiting for someone to break. I feel like this whole thing could detonate any second. And I'm terrified.
I'm afraid of what's going to happen to all of us. I'm afraid for Mom.
She's right, she doesn't deserve this. I want to help her. I want to make it better. I do. I wish I could. But things just keep getting worse.

I can't do this. I want out!

But I can't abandon ship and leave my parents behind. I can't leave my mom to suffer through this on her own. (I'm not sure what goes on inside my dad's head but I want for him to be okay too.)
And besides, where would I go? What would I do? How would I feel? Knowing that I'd just run away? Again.
So, I can't get away from this one. There is no way to just leave it behind, but there doesn't seem to be any way to resolve it either. We're stuck. All of us. We're all frantically flailing, trying to figure out where to go from here, but no one is actually moving forward. No one's making any progress.

When it was obvious that my fiance wasn't making any progress, that he was just spinning his wheels, I left him. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but I couldn't hold on any more. I kept hoping for something that was never going to come. I kept lying to myself. Tricking myself into believing in this ideal outcome that was never going to be realized. I had to stop kidding myself. I had to wake up and let go.
And I did. Eventually.
It was awful and painful. But we went our separate ways.

I was able to do that with my fiance. I can't walk away from my family though. I can't tell them that "it isn't working out" and move on. I have to persevere.
But I just want it too stop. I want it to stop hurting. I want everyone to stop hurting.
I especially want my mother to stop hurting. I want for her to be able to just enjoy life. I want for her to be happy. I don't want her to have to worry any more. I want her to have it easy. For once in her life!
And I can't give that too her.
I'm trying hard not to cause any trouble. I'm trying not to make things any worse. Don't make any waves, don't stir the pot. I'm trying to be easy and cooperative and supportive. But I can't make everyone else behave. I can't make them make her life easier. I can't fix this! And it hurts.

I'm afraid. I'm afraid. I'm so scared.

I'm afraid of what's gonna happen to her. I'm afraid of my family falling apart. I'm afraid of this stupid squabble destroying my parents. I'm afraid of what I might do.