No point
No progress
No meaning
Meandering aimlessly
Wandering words
Drifting down the page
Fearing
Falling
Fading
Why?
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Desire
Why am I so full of desire? There are so many things that I want. I shouldn't want all these things. At the same time though, I do want to have goals, I do want something to strive for. So, what then? How do I handle this? How do I balance it? How much desire is okay? Which desires are okay?
Is it wrong to want sex? Physical contact? And emotional connection? Is it wrong to want success? Is it wrong to want to look better? Feel better? Where should I draw the line? What should I do? How should I handle this?
Should I act on my desires? Or should I just leave things be? I don't know.
Maybe I should try for some and not others, yes?
And why do I keep writing?! This is just useless blather now. It doesn't even mean anything anymore. But I can't stop. I can't put this away. I just have to keep going, keep talking, keep saying something. No point, no progress, no meaning; just words.
Is it wrong to want sex? Physical contact? And emotional connection? Is it wrong to want success? Is it wrong to want to look better? Feel better? Where should I draw the line? What should I do? How should I handle this?
Should I act on my desires? Or should I just leave things be? I don't know.
Maybe I should try for some and not others, yes?
And why do I keep writing?! This is just useless blather now. It doesn't even mean anything anymore. But I can't stop. I can't put this away. I just have to keep going, keep talking, keep saying something. No point, no progress, no meaning; just words.
Writing
I'm feeling that compulsion to write again. I don't even really have anything to write about anymore. I don't know what it is that I'm trying to say.
I just want to keep typing, keep writing, keep spewing words onto the page. I don't even know why. It just happens every now and again.
What should I write about? Who should I write about?
I wish I could write for real, on an actual, physical piece of paper. I don't have anything with me though, so I have to make due with typing, with a computer. Ah well.
So, what now?
I just want to keep typing, keep writing, keep spewing words onto the page. I don't even know why. It just happens every now and again.
What should I write about? Who should I write about?
I wish I could write for real, on an actual, physical piece of paper. I don't have anything with me though, so I have to make due with typing, with a computer. Ah well.
So, what now?
Goals
I want to lose another fifty pounds and get a little black dress and some sexy heels and dye my hair and get a nice hair cut. I want to look good. And feel good. I want to work out and be strong. I want to feel capable and confident.
I want to be energetic. And have fun.
I want to be successful. And happy. Mostly happy. As long as I'm successful enough that my parents can feel good about it, enough that other people don't put me down, I'll be satisfied. Other than that, I just want to be content.
I want to be loved. I want to be close to someone. I want that comfort, that warmth. I want that shared experience. I want to be held and cherished. I want to be respected and valued. I want someone to be protective of me. Not that I necessarily feel that I need to be protected. I just want someone to feel that I'm important enough that they want to protect me. I want someone to really care about me.
What else do I want?
I want to be energetic. And have fun.
I want to be successful. And happy. Mostly happy. As long as I'm successful enough that my parents can feel good about it, enough that other people don't put me down, I'll be satisfied. Other than that, I just want to be content.
I want to be loved. I want to be close to someone. I want that comfort, that warmth. I want that shared experience. I want to be held and cherished. I want to be respected and valued. I want someone to be protective of me. Not that I necessarily feel that I need to be protected. I just want someone to feel that I'm important enough that they want to protect me. I want someone to really care about me.
What else do I want?
Changes
I want to grow my hair out again. I think that about halfway down the back would be nice. Past the shoulders, but not waist-length. Just a nice in-between length.
I think it might be kinda cool to do some curls too. Nothing too tight or crazy, just some big, soft, gentle curls. I think that would be nice.
I'd also like to dye it. I think a nice, light, shiny blond would be fun. If I didn't have to worry about doing job interviews I might try something really wacky; blue, purple, red... I dunno! 'Though, even without interviews and the like, I probably still wouldn't want a permanent dye for those ones. That's something that I think could be fun for a week or two, then I'd want to go back to a normal hair colour.
I almost bought false nails today. Those could be fun too. I just don't know how long they'd last on me. I'm not sure how well I'd like them either. I mean it's all well and good to like the look of them, but I don't know how practical they'd be. Long nails tend to drive me sort of nuts and I don't think this would be any different.
My god I'm tired! I'm so tired. It's hard to think. It's hard to write. It's hard to do anything. But I don't want to sleep. I don't want to close my eyes. I'm not ready yet. I don't want to let this slip away. I need more time. There's never enough time. I wish I had my journal here. I wish I had more energy and I could write properly.
I'm not ready to sleep yet.
I think it might be kinda cool to do some curls too. Nothing too tight or crazy, just some big, soft, gentle curls. I think that would be nice.
I'd also like to dye it. I think a nice, light, shiny blond would be fun. If I didn't have to worry about doing job interviews I might try something really wacky; blue, purple, red... I dunno! 'Though, even without interviews and the like, I probably still wouldn't want a permanent dye for those ones. That's something that I think could be fun for a week or two, then I'd want to go back to a normal hair colour.
I almost bought false nails today. Those could be fun too. I just don't know how long they'd last on me. I'm not sure how well I'd like them either. I mean it's all well and good to like the look of them, but I don't know how practical they'd be. Long nails tend to drive me sort of nuts and I don't think this would be any different.
My god I'm tired! I'm so tired. It's hard to think. It's hard to write. It's hard to do anything. But I don't want to sleep. I don't want to close my eyes. I'm not ready yet. I don't want to let this slip away. I need more time. There's never enough time. I wish I had my journal here. I wish I had more energy and I could write properly.
I'm not ready to sleep yet.
Confusion
People confuse me. People do things, say things, and I wonder what's going through their heads. Oh well, maybe I just don't understand people. Probably not. Anyway, I don't really want to get into that in any detail right now.
On to other things now!
I'm trying to do a few push-ups and sit-ups every day now; gradually build up to my goals. I'm just pushing myself a slight bit beyond what's easy. I'll try to increase it a bit every week until I get there. Starting out 5 push-ups and 15 sit-ups were easy, so I've been doing 10 and 20 respectively.
I've only been doing the push-ups from my knees so far; that's all I can handle right now. Once I get to the point where I can do 20 knee push-ups I'll knock it back to 5 or 10 from the toes. I can start building up again from there.
Obviously I'm going to have to up my goal for sit-ups. I mean 20's a bit of a push right now, but I'm still doing it. If I don't raise my goal a bit, I'll have nothing to aim for!
I think 50's a nice round number. Maybe I'll go for 50. That sounds good.
I wonder how much it costs to to use the gym at the university. Going to the gym has never really held that much appeal for me, but I do need somewhere to walk/run. I can't exactly do it outside right now. The sidewalks are treacherous! The more I think about it, the more a treadmill seems like a good idea.
I've never been much for running. I don't run. I don't jog. Over the last couple of days though, I've been feeling like I might enjoy it.
I've been feeling restless the last little while too. I can't concentrate on my work. I've been hyper, lazy, bored, lonely, horny. All these things. I feel like I need to do something, change something. I want new clothes, new hair. I want to travel. I want a change of scenery, a change of pace.
On to other things now!
I'm trying to do a few push-ups and sit-ups every day now; gradually build up to my goals. I'm just pushing myself a slight bit beyond what's easy. I'll try to increase it a bit every week until I get there. Starting out 5 push-ups and 15 sit-ups were easy, so I've been doing 10 and 20 respectively.
I've only been doing the push-ups from my knees so far; that's all I can handle right now. Once I get to the point where I can do 20 knee push-ups I'll knock it back to 5 or 10 from the toes. I can start building up again from there.
Obviously I'm going to have to up my goal for sit-ups. I mean 20's a bit of a push right now, but I'm still doing it. If I don't raise my goal a bit, I'll have nothing to aim for!
I think 50's a nice round number. Maybe I'll go for 50. That sounds good.
I wonder how much it costs to to use the gym at the university. Going to the gym has never really held that much appeal for me, but I do need somewhere to walk/run. I can't exactly do it outside right now. The sidewalks are treacherous! The more I think about it, the more a treadmill seems like a good idea.
I've never been much for running. I don't run. I don't jog. Over the last couple of days though, I've been feeling like I might enjoy it.
I've been feeling restless the last little while too. I can't concentrate on my work. I've been hyper, lazy, bored, lonely, horny. All these things. I feel like I need to do something, change something. I want new clothes, new hair. I want to travel. I want a change of scenery, a change of pace.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Army Fitness
So, I decided to look up the minimum fitness requirements for joining the Canadian Army. Not that I want to join the army or anything. I was just curious. I wanted to know what they considered fit. I'm thinking that I might set that as my goal.
If I'm in good enough shape that the army would be willing to consider taking me, then I know that I'm at least passably fit. I mean, I still won't be in extraordinary shape. But it'll be enough that I can feel good about it. I'll be satisfied.
Now, there are different requirements depending on age and gender. I'd like to aim for the male-under-35 requirements wherever possible. I will make and exception for the running though. I know I don't do terribly well with running, so I'll go for the upper limit women-under-30-acceptable time on that one.
So, here's what they laid out as their minimum requirements:
Push ups - 20
Sit ups - 20
Grip test - 75 lbs.
2.4 km run - 15:00 min
Chin ups - 6
I've rounded up or down on some of these, just to make the numbers a little easier, but that's what I want to go for. Not sure how I'll measure the grip test and I don't really have anywhere to do chin ups at the moment. But I should be able to work on the rest of it easily enough.
Push ups and sit ups I can just do on the floor in my room. I'll have to look for a good place to run, but I'm sure I can sort something out. I'll worry about the other two later. That should be enough to get me started at any rate.
If I'm in good enough shape that the army would be willing to consider taking me, then I know that I'm at least passably fit. I mean, I still won't be in extraordinary shape. But it'll be enough that I can feel good about it. I'll be satisfied.
Now, there are different requirements depending on age and gender. I'd like to aim for the male-under-35 requirements wherever possible. I will make and exception for the running though. I know I don't do terribly well with running, so I'll go for the upper limit women-under-30-acceptable time on that one.
So, here's what they laid out as their minimum requirements:
Push ups - 20
Sit ups - 20
Grip test - 75 lbs.
2.4 km run - 15:00 min
Chin ups - 6
I've rounded up or down on some of these, just to make the numbers a little easier, but that's what I want to go for. Not sure how I'll measure the grip test and I don't really have anywhere to do chin ups at the moment. But I should be able to work on the rest of it easily enough.
Push ups and sit ups I can just do on the floor in my room. I'll have to look for a good place to run, but I'm sure I can sort something out. I'll worry about the other two later. That should be enough to get me started at any rate.
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