So Tired

Tired and discouraged
Fading away.

Can't make it better
Can't make it right.

So many mistakes
So many regrets.
So many things
I want to forget.

Sometimes it hurts but,
Right now it's just numb.

And I'm fading,
Fading away.

Jealousy

I can't be happy for my friend when he's finally found someone he likes. But, this isn't new. It's not isolated to Raul either. I get that same twinge of jealousy and disappointment whenever one of my friends ends up in a relationship. Whenever they're even interested in anyone. Especially my male friends.

If one of my female friends finds a boyfriend, my reaction ranges from neutral to very minimal negative feelings. Make it a male friend finding a girlfriend however, and we have a different story! The situation borders on downright depressing.

Now, the initial thought on this might be that I'm actually interested in these guys and that's why I'm so upset when they start dating someone else. I think that has definitely factored into some of the situations I've encountered. But that's not the whole story. I run up against the same feelings even when I have no interest beyond the strictly platonic. Even when I have no reason to be jealous. Am I worried about losing their attention? Losing their friendship? Am I so self-absorbed that I need to have my friends focused on me all the time? Maybe I am...

Love Life

I talked to Raul today. He's met someone. They've gone on a couple of dates and it sounds like things are going well so far.

I want to be happy for him. He's my friend, always kind, fun to talk to, and I want for him to be happy. I should be glad, pleased that he's found a nice girl that he likes. So, why did I feel my heart sink when he told me he was interested in someone? Why did it fall a little lower when he said they'd already gone on a couple of dates?

Am I so selfish? Am I so jealous? Am I so insecure... that I can't stand to see him have someone in his life. And, on top of all that, I'm a hypocrite too. 'Cause I'm pretty sure that, were I to meet someone tomorrow, I wouldn't have any qualms about dating them. I likely wouldn't give it a second thought. Yet... I feel such disappointment when I discover that my friend is in a relationship, that he's hoping to be "more than just friends" with this girl. How can I justify that? How can I do the very thing that causes my disappointment with another? Like I said... I'm a hypocrite.

Title Page

I managed to get the title page of my scrapbook finished today. Nothing extravagant, just a bit of black ink. I picked out some fancy lettering in Word and printed the page, with the intention of tracing the lettering onto the first page of the journal. The pages are a bit thick though and it was nearly impossible to see the lettering through the paper. I ended up basically engraving the letters into the page instead. From there, I was able to use the pressure marks as a guide for pencil and, finally, ink.
It came out reasonably well, if I do say so myself! I mean, the first couple of letters have a few unsightly blips but, for the most part, it looks presentable.

Now I just need to get some photos together so I can start filling in the other pages!

Scrapbook

I picked up a beautiful, handmade, leather journal a week or so ago. It's absolutely gorgeous! It cost me nearly $50, but it was worth it. The cover's all beautifully tooled leather. The signatures are stitched in by hand with some brown cord. Lovely!
A book that nice needs to be made into something special. It's too nice to use for just plain old journaling. I want to make it into a family scrapbook. Not a bright, tacky, cheesy scrapbook. Something subdued, classy, and elegant. I'll need to get a few supplies, and it's gonna take a good long while to get everything together, but I really want to do this.
I'd like to give it to my parents when it's all done.

I've got a rough idea of what I want to put in it. It should only take about half to two-thirds of the book. That'll be nice though; that way we'll be able to add to it in years to come. As we accumulate more pictures, thoughts, and memories, we'll be able to create new pages. I think it'll be nice to have. We can compile it as a family, all our trips and memorable moments. Maybe even pass it down in the family. Who knows?
I think it'd be a fun project n'anyway.

Stormy

Well, our last calf was born yesterday afternoon. Beautiful little thing! All heifers this year. Really nice colours. One black, one chocolate brown, and... the latest one, a lovely, rich, reddish brown. There's a picture of her there. Stormy.

Corazón

Okay, so I've been listening to this Chilean pop rock band, La Ley, and I really like them. My friend got me onto them and I'm really enjoying their music!
Anyway... I wanted to try my hand at writing something. It's probably pretty bad, but... here's what I came up with:

Corazón
Quiero solo tu amor.
Quiero solo amarte.
Toda mi vida es para tí.
Y todo lo que quieres daré a tí,
Si solo tu puedes amar a mí.

Te quiero...
Desde el fondo de mi corazón.
Te quiero...
Sin prueba, sin razón.

Pero aquí estoy,
Todo solo!
Y allí estás,
Siempre lejos.

Y no sé si puedo existir.
Y no sé todavía que decir.
Pero...

Te amo...
Desde el fondo de mi corazón.
Te amo...
Sin prueba, sin razón.

Mi corazon...
Le doy a tí.


I know that there are a few lines that probably don't make a whole lot of sense or don't quite work syntax-wise... Maybe I'll be able to fix it up later.