Dhammapada: Choices

So, browsing Chapters the other day, I found this little pocket book. The Dhammapada: The Sayings of the Buddha. It was ten bucks and I had a little over four on a gift card... so, I figured, for five dollars and change, I can't really go wrong!

I haven't read too much yet. Just the first few pages. But it seems really good so far.

The first section, Choices, especially appeals to me:

"With our thoughts we make the world"
Perception is everything

"However many holy words you read, however many you speak, what good will they do you if you do not act upon them? Are you a shepherd who counts another man's sheep, never sharing the way? Read as few words as you like and speak fewer. But act upon the law."
I especially like this passage. You see so many people following the rituals of their belief systems but ignoring the intent. Going to church every Sunday but not following Christian ethics or values. Berating, fighting, or killing people who don't believe as they do, but breaking the laws of their own religion by doing it. This passage really speaks to what I've always thought, always believed. Wonderful!

Buddhism

So my landlady got me started going to meditation classes at the local Buddhist centre. I wasn't too hot on the idea at first. I was mostly going so that I didn't insult her, not because I wanted to. But now... I've kinda gotten into it. I really like the classes. I feel like a lot of the stuff they talk about is very practical and applicable. I find that it actually does help me deal with day-to-day problems.

I'm beginning to discover that, not only do I like meditation, I like Buddhism. I think it's a really good philosophy. They've got a lot of good ideas. I mean, of course, some of the sects have developed some weird rules and rituals. But the core Buddhist beliefs? Those are gold.

At first I was just going for the meditation, but now I think that I'd like to learn more about the religion (or belief system, or whatever you want to call it) as well. Seems like they've got a pretty good thing going.

Anyway, I'm gonna take it slow. Just keep going to the meditation classes for now. I've done a bit of research on the Internet. I'll probably get myself a few books and read up on things it a bit more detail... I can go from there. Maybe over the summer I can do the Foundation Program at the centre or something... We'll see.

Please help!

I don't know how to cope. I used to cut myself when I felt like this. That was how I dealt with depression, with pain. I don't do that anymore, but now I don't know how to handle it. I try to focus on school and hang out with friends. Try to keep myself distracted, keep myself doing something fun or interesting. Try to laugh and smile. But it's always there in the background, tarnishing everything. And, as soon as I stop for a moment, I feel overwhelmed by it. I can't focus on my classes; it just hurts all the time. How do I make it stop? How do I make it go away?

Sad

I was actually doing better yesterday. I told people that I was feeling better today, but I'm not. I just feel sad and depressed.
I tried to get an appointment with my counselor but the nearest date was just over two weeks away. I took it anyway but by then I'm pretty sure I'll have dealt with this on my own. I wish that I could get in sooner. I wish that I didn't feel so sh*tty.

Yesterday I thought I was doing okay. Yesterday it seemed like I could handle all this. No problem! Now, I dunno...
I guess I was just numb before. Sure I cried a bit, but then we sat down and joked and watched TV and everything seemed okay. Packing up my stuff and leaving brought a few more tears, but it didn't hurt like this. Nothing like this.

Yesterday I could reason. And laugh. And joke. Now there's just pain. And a hollow feeling. And no matter what I do, how I try to distract myself, it's still there trough everything. My new, constant, ever-present companion.

I just want to forget. I wish that I didn't care. I wish that this didn't mean anything. I know that I'll come out the other side of this, just like anything else. But that doesn't mean that getting there won't hurt like hell. I just don't want to feel it. I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to get hurt again, like I know I will. Like I always seem to do.

I keep running over it in my head; trying to think what I could have done differently, how I could have changed things. If I'd only done this or thought of that, maybe things would have turned out okay.

I can't do this. I can't keep doing this. I just want... something. I hate this feeling. I hate that I can't do anything about it. I hate how much it hurts.

Martin

Shortly after I finished reading The Darien Gap, I sent an e-mail off to the publisher asking them to forward a letter on to the author for me. Just a bit of fan mail.

Now, I'm not normally one of these people who starts gushing over their favourite authors, trying to contact them, sending fan mail, etc. Then again, non-fiction writing is a whole different beast, isn't it? I mostly just wanted to let the author know that I enjoyed his book, thank him for sharing his experiences, and let him know that I appreciated his attitude towards travel.

I got a letter back from him the other day. I'm glad I wrote. He said that my letter really "picked up" his day.

I had briefly mentioned my own planned excursion into the Darien. (Much tamer than what he did, but exciting for me nonetheless.) He seemed genuinely interested and asked how and why we're going wants to know how our journey goes.
I think it'd be quite a lot of fun to write to him about our trip!

Anyway... I just wanted to mention that little bit of correspondence as it really picked up my day!

Alone, Alone

Why do I feel so alone? I don't even know what it is that I want. I just want to be close to someone. Not even necessarily romantically close. At least... not in the way I used to think I wanted, needed.

I feel like I have my thoughts and desires mostly sorted out now. Like my head is more-or-less clear. But I'm fairly certain that it'll get all bunged up again as soon as I'm back at school, back around people. I'd like to think that I won't. I'm going to try to stay clear-headed. But, if my past is any indication, I won't. Not for five minutes. Not even with all the resolve and insight and logic I can muster. I always fall into the same traps. As much as I know I should learn from them... As much as I tell myself that I have... As much as I come to understand my mistakes in hindsight... I still can't ever seem to avoid them completely. My brain takes a vacation and my kamikaze autopilot sends me towards disaster with anyone and everyone I meet.
Especially guys.
I'm a fool.

Fool. Sitting alone. Wishing. Waiting. Losing. All. I wish I could stop.

Worried Sick

That just about sums it up. I'm worried to the point where I feel sick to my stomach. I'm afraid. I'm tense. I'm terrified of what's going to happen next. And the only thing that I can do is try not to make it any worse. Whether I succeed or not is another question.