Sad

I was actually doing better yesterday. I told people that I was feeling better today, but I'm not. I just feel sad and depressed.
I tried to get an appointment with my counselor but the nearest date was just over two weeks away. I took it anyway but by then I'm pretty sure I'll have dealt with this on my own. I wish that I could get in sooner. I wish that I didn't feel so sh*tty.

Yesterday I thought I was doing okay. Yesterday it seemed like I could handle all this. No problem! Now, I dunno...
I guess I was just numb before. Sure I cried a bit, but then we sat down and joked and watched TV and everything seemed okay. Packing up my stuff and leaving brought a few more tears, but it didn't hurt like this. Nothing like this.

Yesterday I could reason. And laugh. And joke. Now there's just pain. And a hollow feeling. And no matter what I do, how I try to distract myself, it's still there trough everything. My new, constant, ever-present companion.

I just want to forget. I wish that I didn't care. I wish that this didn't mean anything. I know that I'll come out the other side of this, just like anything else. But that doesn't mean that getting there won't hurt like hell. I just don't want to feel it. I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to get hurt again, like I know I will. Like I always seem to do.

I keep running over it in my head; trying to think what I could have done differently, how I could have changed things. If I'd only done this or thought of that, maybe things would have turned out okay.

I can't do this. I can't keep doing this. I just want... something. I hate this feeling. I hate that I can't do anything about it. I hate how much it hurts.