Math Skills?

I've often worried at peoples' dependence on calculators and other technology. They can't write without a spell checker. They can't do math without a calculator. They can't communicate without using l33t-speak or some other form of abbreviation. People have lost the ability to think for themselves. Every problem has become so easy to solve with the push of a few buttons that we've forgotten how to work it out on our own!

We're taught math in school, but as soon as our teachers are convinced that we are able to apply the bare minimum of basic arithmetic skills, we are handed calculators. We move on to bigger and better things and let the calculator worry about the details. We can solve quadratic systems, but who knows how to work out a square root unaided?! I've met folks who can't even remember how to do long division, it's been so long since they've even attempted math without a calculator. They don't even know where to begin unless it's to start punching in numbers on their cell phone calculator!

I ran into a frightening example yesterday when I was asked, in the absence of a calculator, to crunch some numbers.
"What's 7 plus 9?" she asks me.
"Seven plus nine?" I look at her quizzically, "Sixteen."
She thinks about this for a minute, then looks to me again, "And what's 22 minus 16?"
"Six... Are you testing me?"
"No, I'm just trying to work something out."
I was dumbfounded!
This is a girl who has a post-secondary education. This is a girl who's been awarded scholarships. She is not stupid! I have no doubt that, had she taken a minute to think about it, she could have worked out those math problems without issue. The problem is that everyone is so used to having a quick, easy answer provided, without thought or effort. Still, I was startled at being asked to work out such a simple problem.

It makes me wonder where we're headed. If things are this bad now, where will we be a few years down the road? Will we have become totally helpless without our calculators and various other electronic gadgets? I shudder to think!

What do I want?

I don't know where to go from here. I'm just playing the waiting game. I'm waiting to go back to school. I'm waiting for the tension to break. I'm waiting for something to change.
And I feel like I can't accomplish anything right now. I can't get anything done while I'm waiting like this. I'm just stuck in a rut.

I want to write, but I can't even do that.

More than anything, I want to travel! But I know that that's not a possibility right now. I know that most of my desire to travel is being fed by a desire to run away. I'm having trouble dealing with all this right now, so I want to get away from it. I always run away.
I mean, I do like travelling in and of itself, but I know that the feeling of urgency is coming from my desire to escape.
Knowing that doesn't make the feeling any less acute though. I still want to travel just as much. I want to get out and away and see things. I want to experience things and meet people.
There are so many places I want to go. So many things I want to see. I feel like I'll never have the time or the money to be able to get to them all.

I know that I have to stay put and sit tight until I'm finished my degree. But it's so hard not to think about planning a trip sooner than that. It's so hard not to consider the possibility working abroad for a few months or taking a quick jaunt across the border at Christmas.
I find myself working out prices and timing. Then telling myself that it's ridiculous to even think about going on a trip any time in the near future. Then doing it all over again!

Falling...

I'm falling. I'm hurting. I'm helpless and I'm stuck. Facing another day of all this trouble seems unbearable. But what else can I do? I haven't much of a choice now, have I? I just want to make it all stop. But I don't have any control over that. I don't get to dictate when people behave and when they are civil. I don't get to decide when they cooperate. I'm trying to do the best that I can. I'm trying to bridge the gap. I'm trying to make things easier. But, it's not enough.
I can't make my brother come to his senses. I can't make him have a reasonable converstaion with my parents. I can't make my dad keep his cool when he talks to him. I can't really make too much of a difference at all!
I've tried to talk to him. I've tried to reason with him. I've tried to help.
I've tried to support my mom. I've tried to reassure her. I've tried to be less of a drain. I don't want to drag her down.

I'm scared. I feel like things are falling apart. I feel like we've all been pushed to the limit. I'm just waiting for something to give way. I'm waiting for someone to break. I feel like this whole thing could detonate any second. And I'm terrified.
I'm afraid of what's going to happen to all of us. I'm afraid for Mom.
She's right, she doesn't deserve this. I want to help her. I want to make it better. I do. I wish I could. But things just keep getting worse.

I can't do this. I want out!

But I can't abandon ship and leave my parents behind. I can't leave my mom to suffer through this on her own. (I'm not sure what goes on inside my dad's head but I want for him to be okay too.)
And besides, where would I go? What would I do? How would I feel? Knowing that I'd just run away? Again.
So, I can't get away from this one. There is no way to just leave it behind, but there doesn't seem to be any way to resolve it either. We're stuck. All of us. We're all frantically flailing, trying to figure out where to go from here, but no one is actually moving forward. No one's making any progress.

When it was obvious that my fiance wasn't making any progress, that he was just spinning his wheels, I left him. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but I couldn't hold on any more. I kept hoping for something that was never going to come. I kept lying to myself. Tricking myself into believing in this ideal outcome that was never going to be realized. I had to stop kidding myself. I had to wake up and let go.
And I did. Eventually.
It was awful and painful. But we went our separate ways.

I was able to do that with my fiance. I can't walk away from my family though. I can't tell them that "it isn't working out" and move on. I have to persevere.
But I just want it too stop. I want it to stop hurting. I want everyone to stop hurting.
I especially want my mother to stop hurting. I want for her to be able to just enjoy life. I want for her to be happy. I don't want her to have to worry any more. I want her to have it easy. For once in her life!
And I can't give that too her.
I'm trying hard not to cause any trouble. I'm trying not to make things any worse. Don't make any waves, don't stir the pot. I'm trying to be easy and cooperative and supportive. But I can't make everyone else behave. I can't make them make her life easier. I can't fix this! And it hurts.

I'm afraid. I'm afraid. I'm so scared.

I'm afraid of what's gonna happen to her. I'm afraid of my family falling apart. I'm afraid of this stupid squabble destroying my parents. I'm afraid of what I might do.

Clarissa Falls Catastrophe

So, I did a bit more reading... Upon finding a more recent article, it appears that the Clarissa Falls Hotel that I fell in love with no longer exists as such. It is now Clarissa Falls Resort and has been built up quite a bit. The shared bunks and cabins exist no more. It's just suites and a few decidely cushy double rooms. Not what I had been hoping for!

Oh well, at least there's still Playa de Muerto.

I guess I'd better get there before excess tourism ruins it too!

Destination: Belize

So, discovering Playa de Muerto in Panama prompted me to do a bit of digging in Belize. I remember stopping at a hotel on the Mopan river for lunch while we were in Belize. I remember hearing that it had these sort of simple accomodations available. Dirt floors and mosquito nets over the beds, curtains over windows with no glass. It appealed to me. I mean, don't get me wrong, the Mopan River Resort was wonderful! But, it felt so removed from reality. We were separated from the locals, we were the rich (North) Americans staying in the fancy resort. We saw the countryside, but we didn't really see the country.
I swore that if I ever went back to Belize, I'd stay in that little hotel. I'd stay there, in their most down-to-earth, inexpensive room. I'd stay there and enjoy every minute of it!

The only problem is, I forgot where there was! I forgot the name of the hotel. I remember exactly how to get there (by boat) from the Mopan River Resort. I remember what it looked like and which side of the river it was on. I just couldn't quite recall the name!
Well, I did a little digging and, I found it!

Clarissa Falls Resort.

I should've known! It was "just past Clarissa Falls" after all. I remembered that. Why couldn't I remember that the place was named for that little set of rapids right beside it?

Anyway, apparently they now offer more "comfortable" accomodations that the modest rooms I was first told about. However, those rooms do still exist! They offer everthing from camping to suites! (With double rooms and shared bunks sitting somewhere between the two in luxury and price.)

Hopefully I can get there before it gets any more "mainstream" and becomes totally upscale.
If not, well, I guess I'll just focus my energies on getting to Playa de Muerto in Panama!

Destination: Panama

So, I think that I may have found the gratest place ever (in Panama n'anyway)!

Playa de Muerto.

It looks amazing! As far as I can tell, it's run by Embera in the Darien. It's a no frills hotel; very remote, very isolated, right on the coast.
You fly into Panama City, then catch another flight 40-minute flight out to Garachine. From here, you spend two-and-a-half hours on a motorized cayuco (canoe) to Playa de Muerto.

Once you get to Playa de Muerto, you're almost completely cut off from the outside world. The only phones in the entire village are two pay phones which are frequently out of order. And Internet service... forget about it! The local language is Embera. Most of the locals speak Spanish as a second language. English is not spoken. The surrounding jungle is completely unspoilt. The standard hotel bathroom is an "Embera-style privy". (Though if you find this distasteful, they can arrange for use of the bathrooms at the local school.) The idea of using a simple outhouse or latrine doesn't bother me in the least (though I might consider bringing my own toilet paper), it's all part of the experience! Right?

I love this idea! I want to go here. I have to go here!

Woes

Family is falling apart and I don't know what to do.

I've done so many things that I'm ashamed of. I've done so many awful, callous, hurtful things. I wish I could take them back. I wish I could change it. I wish I could make it better.
I'm trying to do better now. I'm trying not to screw up again. I'm trying not to make things any worse. I'm trying to help.
But I'm afraid that I'll fall apart. I'm afraid that, despite my best intentions, I'll start sliding down that slippery slope again. That I'll think I'm doing what's best when I'm really being destructive.
It always seems like a good idea at the time.
What if I'm not out of the woods yet. I feel like I can't trust myself. I don't have a very good track record. I'm afraid of what I might do.

How am I supposed to help everyone else if I'm not even sure if I can keep myself on track? I want to help but, what am I supposed to do? I'm willing to help but, I don't think I'm qualified.

My brother is making bad decisions and tearing my family apart. He doesn't see it. He only sees that he's been wronged. He thinks that my parents owe him something. He thinks that they're trying to control him and that he's being strong by defying them.
He's hurting them. He's hurting all of us.
He's hurting too. He's struggling. He's drowning. But he's not willing to compromise. He'd rather sink on his own terms than swim with my parents' help, if accepting their help means accepting their terms.

I want to tell him to talk to them, to try to work things out, but he's not interested in that. It's a power struggle and he's determined to win. My parents want to do what's best for him and he wants to do things his own way. His own way is self-destructive but, he thinks that my parents should let him do whatever he wants (regardless of whether or not it destroys him) just because he wants it. He wants to be an adult. He wants to make his own decisions. And he doesn't seem to care how many people his decisions hurt. He only sees his own strife and pain. He's blind to everyone around him. He doesn't want to know.

I've tried to tell him about some of my experiences. About how much I regret some of the decisions I've made. About how much damage I've done. I try to explain to him that I'm still mending the rifts and patching things up.
But, he has no regrets. Yes, I made mistakes, but not him. He knows what he's doing. He knows what's best for him. How dare anyone else try to tell him what to do. He's not me. He's not making mistakes like I did.

Then again... I guess I didn't think I was making mistakes at the time either. I thought that I was doing what was best. I wasn't aiming to hurt anyone. I was trying to do what was best. I didn't see until afterwards what a fool I'd been.
So, maybe there's no helping him. Maybe this just has to run its course. Maybe, in time, he'll understand that we weren't just there to be a thorn in his side. He'll understand that we were trying to save him from himself.
Or maybe he'll never reach that point. Maybe this is it. Maybe he's gone for good and we just have to learn to deal with that.

I'm just afraid that we won't survive it. I'm afraid that one more nudge is going to push my whole family over the edge. I'm terrified. And I don't know what to do.
I can't make him reconcile with my parents. I can't make him see reason. As he has so masterfully proved, we can't make him do anything!
I'm trying to help as best I can. I'm trying to talk to him. I'm trying to support my parents. I'm trying not to cause any more stress or trouble. I'm just afraid that something's gonna happen. I'm afraid that I'm gonna do something stupid. I'm scared stiff that I'm going to be the straw that broke the camel's back.
I have to make sure that I stay on the straight and narrow. I have to make sure that everything runs smoothly, no bumps in the road, no hiccoughs. I don't want to add any more stress. They don't deserve all the trouble they're having with my brother and I don't want to give them any more. I've already caused more than enough trouble and embarrassment. I've already done more than enough harm. I just want things to be better now.

I wish that I could give my parents back all that I have taken from them. All the time, money, life, energy, joy, effort, dignity. But, being that I can't undo all my past wrongs, I just wish that things were better now. I want for them to be happy now. I want for them to be able to enjoy life now. I want for my brother to realize what he's doing before it's too late. I want my family back!

Going Deaf?

So, I need to go get my hearing tested. Again.

Well... I guess, strictly speaking, I don't need to. But, seeing as I'm finding it almost impossible to communicate orally as of late, I think it's probably a good idea. I can't hear what people are saying to me half the time. Even in the best of conditions I have to ask the speaker to repeat themselves three or four times! If there's background noise or wind or they're facing away from me... forget it!

It's strange though... other sounds, I seem to be able to hear fine. I can hear music, noise, sound effects, etc. I just can't seem to decipher words. I'll catch a few here and there, but most of the conversation just sounds like mush. After a couple of repeats, when I'm too embarrassed or impatient to ask the person to repeat what they said (yet again!), I just guess at the words I missed and try to fill in the blanks. Sometimes I get it close and actually manage to form a meaningful response. More often, I'm completely off the mark and, I leave the speaker confused by my seemingly unrelated comment.

It's making things difficult for me at work. And I can only imagine what'll happen once I go back to school! So, for this, I am getting my ears tested. Unfortunately, it means waiting for ages at the walk-in clinic to see a doctor, who will then refer me to an audiologist, who I then fork out cash to to administer the test. And, if it's anything like last time, I'll just be told that my hearing is "below average" (worse in my left ear than my right) but that I shouldn't worry about it. Easier said than done though, right?

First of all, it's pretty hard not to worry about a problem that is preventing me from communicating with people! Second, how do I know that this isn't going to get worse? I'm pretty sure that my hearing is worse now than it was when I had the original test done four years ago. What if it keeps slipping? I mean, if I'm going deaf, okay, fine. But if it's possible to predict, if I can know in advance, prepare for it, than that would definitely be preferable. Then again... it could be nothing. Maybe it's all in my head. Maybe my hearing really hasn't gotten any worse. But then, why am I having so much more trouble now? Maybe it's just something silly. Like earwax build-up. Maybe I just need to have my ears cleaned. That could explain it. That's probably what it is. And I'm just sitting here getting all worked up over nothing. Well... I guess we'll see, won't we.

If it isn't earwax, then I hope it's something that either gets better or worse.
I know, that sounds silly, right? But, what I mean is, I don't want it to stay the same. I either want it to get better, so I can hear normally again; or I want it to get worse, so I need a hearing aid or something. I hate being stuck in the middle! Bad enough that it impedes my conversations, that it's frustrating to me and people trying to talk to me, but good enough that no one will do anything about it. "Below average" but "nothing to worry about"!

Anyway, like I said, we'll see how it goes!

Toronto Sun Trash Talk

I'm not usually much of a newspaper reader. But, I did pick up the paper today. What can I say? The front page caught my eye.


Click on the picture for a link to the full story.

I'll give you the gist of it here.

Basically, people are upset because male reindeer fawns born at the zoo this year are being euthanized. Now, yes, at first glance this does sound bad. But, there's more to the story. They are not being killed willy-nilly, there was a lot of debate and discussion before the decision was made. Yes, the reindeer are being killed but, there is a reason behind it.

First of all, the zoo doesn't have any more room for the males. (More females don't require more space as they can be added to the current herd with no problems.) The males however, will fight for control of the harem and breeding rights so, any additional males would need to be kept in a separate enclosure (for which there isn't currently room at the zoo). At this point the zoo would normally try to sell the males to another zoo. However, no one seems to be in the market for male reindeer right now. They can't even give them away! Releasing them into the wild in not an option. So, what are we left with?

The only real options are to euthanize them now, as babies, or to raise them to maturity and have a sale on reindeer steak next spring. (I'm sure that the second option would cause almost as much of an outcry as the first.)

There are a few, much less viable options.
Let's see... we could adopt them out to the public. <sarcasm>Yeah, that's a good idea!</sarcasm> I don't think I need to say any more on that topic!
They could keep them at the zoo. In the enclosures that already have enough males. But, I don't think visitors to the zoo would much like seeing rutting reindeer fighting and injuring each other every mating season. I guess some would argue that this is not a problem as the same thing would be happening in the wild. However, in the wild, reindeer are not kept in confined enclosures. They can get away from each other. Keeping a bunch of male reindeer locked in a confined space together would be cruel. As far as I'm concerned, it would be no better than dog fights, or cock-fighting!
The only other thing that occurs to me, is to release the unwanted males. This does not seem prudent however. First of all, I worry about them affecting the ecosystem. Then, you have to worry about them actually surviving! If they're used to having food provided for them, it's going to be a rude awakening to suddenly have to forage for food! Then there's the predators to contend with. Releasing them into the wild would likely cause a much slower, more distressful death than being euthanized as a fawn.

So, really, I don't see any other options here. As the zoo reps said, what they're doing is a "necessary evil". It's unfortunate, but true. I wish that the Sun's journalist could have seen that. Instead, they just try to manipulate readers' emotions to cause a reaction. Instead of providing facts, they're spewing buzz words!

I understand that most newspapers are biased. However, I found this to be extreme. I was quite upset by the way it was presented. I understand why the zoo is doing what it's doing and I wish that the Sun hadn't been so anxious to jump on a story that would get a rise out of people that they ignored most of the facts!

Getting Organized

So... I've got a to-do list about a mile long, and I seem to be adding items to it faster than I'm taking them off! I'm working away at it though, and I should have everything under control before too long.
Really, I should be working on something productive instead of writing in here, but I just need a bit of down time. I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off all day, and I'm so frazzled that I can barely think straight. I tell myself that a bit of blogging will help me relax and get my thoughts in order so that I can put my mind to something more useful (sooner or later). That's what I tell myself n'anyway.

Once I'm through here, I should probably do a bit of coding. I'm supposed to have a basic, testable demo of my software ready in two weeks, so I really need to get moving on it. And I should probably check to see if registration is open for my courses yet. I have to make sure I get in before they all fill up! I already checked out residence and the financial aid site; it's too early to apply to either of them yet. I'll have to check back in a month or so. But, course registration should be open now. I should look into that either today or tomorrow.

I would like to sit down and write out some Spanish notes at some point too. Figure out if I have any questions, where I should focus next. I think I'm too hyper to do that tonight though. Maybe over the "weekend"...

Outside of that I have a plethora of other miscellaneous tasks to complete.
There's that sock that I've been knitting since before Christmas.
Or the tidying that I've been promising myself I'd do for months now.
The books I've been trying to read.
The books that I said I'd read after I finished the ones that I'm already reading.
And I should really log into my Language and Grammar forum at some point and see how everybody's doing.
Then, of course, there's all the letters and packages that I've been meaning to post. (In the mail, not online!)
And I can't forget good old calculus and Java! Heaven forbid! I hate them both but, alas, they are necessary evils. So, I really should get some practice in on them. Make sure I know how to use them both before I head back to school in the fall.

I guess those are all the biggies. I know there's probably more that've slipped my mind. But, that's certainly enough for now! I think that list will keep me busy for quite a while. What between that and work and the daily grind.

Well... I think that's all the organizing I feel like doing for now. My thoughts seem to be ordered enough at the moment (even if my head is still buzzing a little bit).
I'll be back soon enough. Don't worry.