Quotes

I've been browsing the Quotes pages on Goodreads. I found quite a few that I liked. Some were humorous, some profound. I'll probably end up using some of the funny ones as taglines/signatures on forums and whatnot. Some of the others have given me food for thought.

"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."
— Dr. Seuss

I like this sentiment. It's a good way of looking at things. A different perspective than one might normally have. It may be easier said than done, but I think I'd at least like to try to keep it in mind the next time something gets me down.


"Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car."
— Garrison Keillor

So True! So many people go to church every Sunday, yet don't live by the values. They listen to the sermon, but it's passive, they don't take it to heart. In short, they don't practice what they preach (or rather, what is preached to them).


"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up."
— Neil Gaiman

I know exactly what he's talking about. Being in love is wonderful, but at the same time it's utterly frightening. You're open, exposed, vulnerable. It can be the most wonderful feeling in the world, but there's always that chance... The chance that something will go wrong, that feelings will fade, the relationship fall apart. And then you just hurt. Then all that beauty and happiness that you saw and felt turns into just as much raw, bitter, pain.
Not that love isn't fantastic. Not that I won't keep looking for it. Of course I want to love and be loved! But every time I fall for someone there will always be that undercurrent of fear. That worried tingle at the back of my mind that warns me that I should be more careful, that I've given someone else this power over me, that I could get hurt again. It won't stop me, it won't change what I feel, but it might be enough to give me pause.


"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
— Joan Crawford

I guess this one kind of goes with the previous quote.

And... I'll finish up the rest of these later.
"It is what you read when you don't have to that determines what you will be when you can't help it."
— Oscar Wilde

"No book is really worth reading at the age of ten which is not equally – and often far more – worth reading at the age of fifty and beyond."
— C.S. Lewis

"Make it a rule never to give a child a book you would not read yourself."
— George Bernard Shaw

"Let children read whatever they want and then talk about it with them. If parents and kids can talk together, we won't have as much censorship because we won't have as much fear."
— Judy Blume

"There are worse crimes than burning books. One of them is not reading them."
— Joseph Brodsky

"No woman really wants a man to carry her off; she only wants him to want to do it."
— Elizabeth Peters

"A good bookshop is just a genteel Black Hole that knows how to read."
— Terry Pratchett (Guards! Guards!)

Home again, home again

Well, I'm back. I finally came home again. I should've been home ages ago, but I just never quite made it. There was always just one more thing, one more episode, one more conversation, one more joke. And then we were tired, everyone gone to bed; can't leave then! So now I've finally made it home. I can finally write in my journal like I've wanted to all along. Funny thing though, I probably won't. I would've when I first got home. I was hyper, full of energy. I would've written, talked to friends, run around, whatever. But now it's been too long. I've stayed up too late... again. I'm tired. My thoughts are sluggish. I don't know if I can write. I'm not sure I want to right now. Maybe I'll just leave it for another time. Maybe I'll just go to bed, try to get some rest. Maybe...

Words, words. So many words. They look so strange all crowded on the page. They seem random somehow. I know that I put them down with specific thoughts and ideas in mind, but now, they just look like a jumble. Not when I look close, obviously. I'm not so tired yet that I've forgotten how to read. I just mean that when I gaze at the page as a whole, I just see these strange masses of symbols. Stretching across the page. They look so bizarre. So strange.

I think I'm too tired to write. I can barely keep my eyes open. My mind keeps wandering and my eyelids keep drooping. I keep drifting off into movies and books and imaginary worlds.
I just did it again!
I can't get a sentence out without sleep trying to take me. I'm fighting it of at every turn. I can't keep it up. I'm going to lose. I'm already losing.
There was something else that I wanted to say. Something about sleeping or dying, I can't remember now.
I think it's time to sign off. Maybe, if I can get enough sleep, I can come back afterwards. (Geeze, I nearly feel asleep not only mid-sentence, but mid-word. Time for bed!

Weather

I wish there wasn't so much snow. The cold doesn't matter so much. I can handle the cold. I don't mind it so much. As long as it's not too frigid, or terribly windy. I just want a clear patch to walk, run. I want to go outside and run around and have a bit of fun without having to worry about slipping and falling and breaking my neck.

Maybe I'll go outside later anyway. At least I can get a bit of sunlight and fresh air. What else should I do? Where should I go? I want to do something fun!

I wish I had more hours of daylight. More time to do things. Just... more.

Pointless

No point
No progress
No meaning
Meandering aimlessly
Wandering words
Drifting down the page
Fearing
Falling
Fading
Why?

Desire

Why am I so full of desire? There are so many things that I want. I shouldn't want all these things. At the same time though, I do want to have goals, I do want something to strive for. So, what then? How do I handle this? How do I balance it? How much desire is okay? Which desires are okay?

Is it wrong to want sex? Physical contact? And emotional connection? Is it wrong to want success? Is it wrong to want to look better? Feel better? Where should I draw the line? What should I do? How should I handle this?

Should I act on my desires? Or should I just leave things be? I don't know.
Maybe I should try for some and not others, yes?

And why do I keep writing?! This is just useless blather now. It doesn't even mean anything anymore. But I can't stop. I can't put this away. I just have to keep going, keep talking, keep saying something. No point, no progress, no meaning; just words.

Writing

I'm feeling that compulsion to write again. I don't even really have anything to write about anymore. I don't know what it is that I'm trying to say.

I just want to keep typing, keep writing, keep spewing words onto the page. I don't even know why. It just happens every now and again.

What should I write about? Who should I write about?

I wish I could write for real, on an actual, physical piece of paper. I don't have anything with me though, so I have to make due with typing, with a computer. Ah well.

So, what now?

Goals

I want to lose another fifty pounds and get a little black dress and some sexy heels and dye my hair and get a nice hair cut. I want to look good. And feel good. I want to work out and be strong. I want to feel capable and confident.

I want to be energetic. And have fun.

I want to be successful. And happy. Mostly happy. As long as I'm successful enough that my parents can feel good about it, enough that other people don't put me down, I'll be satisfied. Other than that, I just want to be content.

I want to be loved. I want to be close to someone. I want that comfort, that warmth. I want that shared experience. I want to be held and cherished. I want to be respected and valued. I want someone to be protective of me. Not that I necessarily feel that I need to be protected. I just want someone to feel that I'm important enough that they want to protect me. I want someone to really care about me.

What else do I want?

Changes

I want to grow my hair out again. I think that about halfway down the back would be nice. Past the shoulders, but not waist-length. Just a nice in-between length.
I think it might be kinda cool to do some curls too. Nothing too tight or crazy, just some big, soft, gentle curls. I think that would be nice.
I'd also like to dye it. I think a nice, light, shiny blond would be fun. If I didn't have to worry about doing job interviews I might try something really wacky; blue, purple, red... I dunno! 'Though, even without interviews and the like, I probably still wouldn't want a permanent dye for those ones. That's something that I think could be fun for a week or two, then I'd want to go back to a normal hair colour.

I almost bought false nails today. Those could be fun too. I just don't know how long they'd last on me. I'm not sure how well I'd like them either. I mean it's all well and good to like the look of them, but I don't know how practical they'd be. Long nails tend to drive me sort of nuts and I don't think this would be any different.

My god I'm tired! I'm so tired. It's hard to think. It's hard to write. It's hard to do anything. But I don't want to sleep. I don't want to close my eyes. I'm not ready yet. I don't want to let this slip away. I need more time. There's never enough time. I wish I had my journal here. I wish I had more energy and I could write properly.

I'm not ready to sleep yet.

Confusion

People confuse me. People do things, say things, and I wonder what's going through their heads. Oh well, maybe I just don't understand people. Probably not. Anyway, I don't really want to get into that in any detail right now.

On to other things now!

I'm trying to do a few push-ups and sit-ups every day now; gradually build up to my goals. I'm just pushing myself a slight bit beyond what's easy. I'll try to increase it a bit every week until I get there. Starting out 5 push-ups and 15 sit-ups were easy, so I've been doing 10 and 20 respectively.
I've only been doing the push-ups from my knees so far; that's all I can handle right now. Once I get to the point where I can do 20 knee push-ups I'll knock it back to 5 or 10 from the toes. I can start building up again from there.

Obviously I'm going to have to up my goal for sit-ups. I mean 20's a bit of a push right now, but I'm still doing it. If I don't raise my goal a bit, I'll have nothing to aim for!
I think 50's a nice round number. Maybe I'll go for 50. That sounds good.

I wonder how much it costs to to use the gym at the university. Going to the gym has never really held that much appeal for me, but I do need somewhere to walk/run. I can't exactly do it outside right now. The sidewalks are treacherous! The more I think about it, the more a treadmill seems like a good idea.
I've never been much for running. I don't run. I don't jog. Over the last couple of days though, I've been feeling like I might enjoy it.

I've been feeling restless the last little while too. I can't concentrate on my work. I've been hyper, lazy, bored, lonely, horny. All these things. I feel like I need to do something, change something. I want new clothes, new hair. I want to travel. I want a change of scenery, a change of pace.

Army Fitness

So, I decided to look up the minimum fitness requirements for joining the Canadian Army. Not that I want to join the army or anything. I was just curious. I wanted to know what they considered fit. I'm thinking that I might set that as my goal.
If I'm in good enough shape that the army would be willing to consider taking me, then I know that I'm at least passably fit. I mean, I still won't be in extraordinary shape. But it'll be enough that I can feel good about it. I'll be satisfied.

Now, there are different requirements depending on age and gender. I'd like to aim for the male-under-35 requirements wherever possible. I will make and exception for the running though. I know I don't do terribly well with running, so I'll go for the upper limit women-under-30-acceptable time on that one.

So, here's what they laid out as their minimum requirements:
Push ups - 20
Sit ups - 20
Grip test - 75 lbs.
2.4 km run - 15:00 min
Chin ups - 6

I've rounded up or down on some of these, just to make the numbers a little easier, but that's what I want to go for. Not sure how I'll measure the grip test and I don't really have anywhere to do chin ups at the moment. But I should be able to work on the rest of it easily enough.
Push ups and sit ups I can just do on the floor in my room. I'll have to look for a good place to run, but I'm sure I can sort something out. I'll worry about the other two later. That should be enough to get me started at any rate.