Martin

Shortly after I finished reading The Darien Gap, I sent an e-mail off to the publisher asking them to forward a letter on to the author for me. Just a bit of fan mail.

Now, I'm not normally one of these people who starts gushing over their favourite authors, trying to contact them, sending fan mail, etc. Then again, non-fiction writing is a whole different beast, isn't it? I mostly just wanted to let the author know that I enjoyed his book, thank him for sharing his experiences, and let him know that I appreciated his attitude towards travel.

I got a letter back from him the other day. I'm glad I wrote. He said that my letter really "picked up" his day.

I had briefly mentioned my own planned excursion into the Darien. (Much tamer than what he did, but exciting for me nonetheless.) He seemed genuinely interested and asked how and why we're going wants to know how our journey goes.
I think it'd be quite a lot of fun to write to him about our trip!

Anyway... I just wanted to mention that little bit of correspondence as it really picked up my day!

Alone, Alone

Why do I feel so alone? I don't even know what it is that I want. I just want to be close to someone. Not even necessarily romantically close. At least... not in the way I used to think I wanted, needed.

I feel like I have my thoughts and desires mostly sorted out now. Like my head is more-or-less clear. But I'm fairly certain that it'll get all bunged up again as soon as I'm back at school, back around people. I'd like to think that I won't. I'm going to try to stay clear-headed. But, if my past is any indication, I won't. Not for five minutes. Not even with all the resolve and insight and logic I can muster. I always fall into the same traps. As much as I know I should learn from them... As much as I tell myself that I have... As much as I come to understand my mistakes in hindsight... I still can't ever seem to avoid them completely. My brain takes a vacation and my kamikaze autopilot sends me towards disaster with anyone and everyone I meet.
Especially guys.
I'm a fool.

Fool. Sitting alone. Wishing. Waiting. Losing. All. I wish I could stop.

Worried Sick

That just about sums it up. I'm worried to the point where I feel sick to my stomach. I'm afraid. I'm tense. I'm terrified of what's going to happen next. And the only thing that I can do is try not to make it any worse. Whether I succeed or not is another question.