Helen Besoe

I'm a sunrise kinda gal

2011-03-24T02:24:00.001-04:00

Sunrise or sunset? Sunrise. Definitely.

I mean, I'm almost never awake enough early enough to enjoy them, but they always have a way of making me feel fresher and more alive when I am. A day when you've seen the sun rise, feels like a good, purposeful day, right from the start. It feels like a day for accomplishments and productivity.

Sunsets are very pretty, but there's also this sense of loss and sorrow that comes with the lengthening shadows of the evening. The day is drawing to a close; there's so little time left to get anything done. Never enough time.

Watch the sun rise.

Have a full day.

And then,

when you've finished your tasks,

watch it fade away.

Phonebooth to Nowhere

2011-03-23T21:38:00.001-04:00

Craft a story with no 'E's it said. 100 words. I can do that! Tougher than it looks. No 'L's was not so difficult.

Phone Booth

I look at my watch. Almost two. Nonchalant, I walk to a booth on my right. It is claustrophobicly small.

Nobody's looking.

Quickly I dial an odd combination. My surroundings slip away.

Slowly blinking, my sight adjusts. Bright light glints off of glossy, hard floors and walls. This room looks blank, no furnishings, no company.

“Uh... anybody around?” I ask, cautiously sitting up. My own murmurings simply drift back as I strain to find a hint of an occupant lurking.

Swoosh. What was that?! “Who is it?” I shout at nothing.

A shadow grabs my arm. Cold, so cold!

“Oh God! It said that combo was for a candy shop! Don't hurt m-- Aaarrgh!!”

Wind in the Grass: A Haiku of S

2011-03-23T20:32:00.001-04:00

Pompous Pampas

Soothing, sibilant

sounds. Swaying stalks so slender.

Soft susurrations.

Texas Burger might not be healthy, but it's tasty

2011-03-23T05:03:00.001-04:00

Try their poutine. Seriously!

They make all their fries fresh, on the spot. I don't mean, they get some pre-cut frozen things and throw them in the deep-fryer when you order. I mean, they take the potatoes, wash them, cut them up, and fry them for you. Right there.

If you are going there though, at least if you plan on getting the poutine, bring you appetite; the serving sizes are... generous. Better yet, bring a friend! Best: bring me! I'm always willing to help polish off an order of Texas Burger poutine!

I remember having some tasty breakfasts and burgers and the like there when I was a kid too, but it's all kind of faded and vague now. I don't get in there very often anymore - I think I've been once in the last two or three years - so, when I do get to go, it's poutine all the way!

The only thing that could make this dish any better is if the restaurant were located in Quebec. I mean, it's fantastic as is, but imagine how good it would be if they could get proper, fresh, salty, delicious, Quebec cheese curd, rather than just grated cheddar. Mmmm...

Insomnia's a b-- uh, the pits

2011-03-23T04:14:00.001-04:00

Sleeping cougar

What haven't I done yet? Slept. Kinda difficult when I'm sneezing every few minutes and every time I lie down my nose clogs (more) and my sinuses feel like they're going to explode. Add that to the dull ache in my back and the general restlessness that's been plaguing me for the last week and you have the perfect recipe for a sleepless night!

Something to save for: Honeymoon in the tropics

2011-03-23T03:50:00.001-04:00

Money, money, money. It seems no matter how much we have we always need more of it. Not that I would know, I've been pretty much broke for over a year now. But hey! Anyway, I generally don't feel like I need much. I'm happy and can get by on very little when I have to, but there are definitely some pricey items I wouldn't mind splurging on if I had the opportunity.

Welcome to the Jungle

Item no. 1: A honeymoon in the tropics!

Getting married in a couple of months and it would be really nice to be able to take a week-long honeymoon in Costa Rica or something.

Item the 2nd: Gadgets for my sweetie.

Would love to get him a nice new motherboard and CPU and/or a cool dive watch and/or a nice pair of warm-water flippers/fins and/or a good bike to replace the one that was stolen from him.

5! ...er, 3: SCUBA lessons.

Seeing as he's already certified, I'd love to get mine so we could dive together.

Fantastic number 4: Piece of mind for my parents.

If I somehow manage to save up/come into a lot of money, I'd really want to give a considerable sum to my parents so that they could relax and retire.

There are other little things of course, but those are more incidental. I think that's most of the big ones.

"Get the He** out!": A short story with no "L"s.

2011-03-22T04:52:00.001-04:00

It was a dreary day in November. The air had started out crisp and fresh, with sunshine and a sweet breeze. Now the wind was brisk and frigid, the warmth had crept out of the sun, and great icy drops began to pour from the sky.

Mark rushed into the shop, newspaper guarding his head from the sudden shower. The shopkeeper raised his head as the buzzer sounded, eying the sodden man with some suspicion. The expression of annoyance on his face grew as Mark dried his damp boots on the rough mat by the door.

"Nice weather we're having now, isn't it?" he chimed at the sour face behind the counter.

The dour expression didn't change. The comment was recognized by a minute grunt as his focus dropped back to the work in front of him.

"Hey, uh, you got any of those new energy boosters?" he continued undeterred by the absence of enthusiasm. "Might be good on a day such as this."

"No."

"Oh," he frowned and examined his surroundings with more care. The interior was neither dim nor dirty, yet somehow gave a definite impression of being dingy. The shopkeeper had an array of strange objects spread out in front of him and seemed to be picking at something with a pair of tweezers.

Mark moved over to examine an intricate, carved figurine to his right and jumped as the tiny object became warm to the touch. "Aagrhh!" the item seemed to spring from his fingers as it grew red-hot. It bounced off the edge of the stand, skittered across the hard ground, making a surprising amount of noise, and crashed into the corner of the door frame before coming to rest - much diminished - as bits of the pretty thing had chipped off with every bounce and knock.

The shopkeeper started at the unexpected noise, jamming his tweezers into his precise work.

"You buffoon!" He roared. "You staggering, dirty idiot! Do you have ANY idea how hard it is to import those?! How much they cost?!"

"I--"

"Of course you don't! Ignorant man! Stupid, ignorant man! You come into my shop, disturb my work, track footprints in, and then... THEN! You destroy my merchandise! Get out!"

"I'm sorry. I can--"

"You've done enough! Get. Out!"

"You--" He stopped mid-sentence, "Fine, okay, I'm gone." He turned and put his hand on the door.

The shopkeeper grunted, "...take me weeks to get another... Just because of one incompetent man! I need to put a sign out front: 'No humans!'" He eased the tweezers from where they'd stuck with a bright, fuscia pincer and returned three eyes to his work as the fourth tracked a shaken and yet-damp Mark out into the street.

KITTENS!!!

2010-07-09T15:16:00.000-04:00

So, I didn't mention before, but it turns out that Mouse was pregnant when we adopted her.
She finally had her kittens this morning! Three adorable little balls of fur. :)

Of course, she'd have to choose the shoe closet as her "nest". We were sure she was going to have them either behind the couch or under the bed. She'd been spending A LOT of time there. We put down towels and a little box behind the couch and she seemed to take to it (after a while). She spent the first couple of hours after her contractions started moving between my lap and the box behind the couch. And then, just before we went to bed, she decides that the shoe closet is where she really wants to be.
When we got up this morning she was still there, nursing three tiny kittens. :) They're so adorable!
I'll try to keep you posted as they develop and grow. I can't wait 'til they open their eyes for the first time!

Meet Mouse!

2010-07-07T12:07:00.000-04:00

Well, I haven't been blogging in quite a while. I feel bad for falling behind. I just haven't been writing much of anything lately, online or off. I guess a lot has happened in the last few months. Let's see... I've moved in with my awesomely wonderful boyfriend. I can't believe how fast the months have flown by! As he pointed out to me the other day, we've been living together for just over six months now. Wow!

We've also found ourselves with another roomie: Mouse. My mom found a little abandoned cat looking very thin and forlorn. She had a collar so Mom assumed that she belonged to someone in the area and would find her way home by the end of the day. She didn't. We couldn't find her owners anywhere in the area. There were no tags on the collar, just a bell. And with no one claiming her and the worrying weight loss she was exhibiting, Mom finally took her in. My parents already have a cat though, and the bf and I had been talking about getting one so...

Now we have Mouse. Isn't she so cute! :)

Changes

2010-07-07T11:05:00.000-04:00

Well, I just spent an hour fiddling around with templates and backgrounds and I'm still not really happy with what I've got. There's just so many choices and combinations. I think I'll go back and look at it again later, but I just had to pick something and be done with it for now.

I could really use some cash right now!

2010-07-06T10:50:00.001-04:00

What would I be excited to find on the ground right now? Money! I am completely and totally broke right now. I have a small amount of money in my bank account which almost exactly equals the balance on my credit card. I have NO money!

I wasn't so much with the finding of a job this summer and I was already pretty low on cash before that so...

I'm just hoping and praying that people start buying some of my jewellery. You like jewellery, right? You want a lovely amethyst necklace or a nice new pair of earrings! I know you do! I have a shop on Etsy that sells all sorts of wonderful gems! You should really check it out! *nudge, nudge* http://www.etsy.com/shop/HelenBesoe

Or, you know, if you're also broke and can't afford to buy food, let alone jewellery right now... suggestions are always welcome too!

A year out of the rat-race? Yes, please!

2010-07-06T10:32:00.001-04:00

Stuck on a remote island with plenty of food, water, and a companion... Stress-free life... at first I was temped to say that I'd tell the rescue ship to get lost! Or maybe just run a letter to my family telling them to come visit me sometime. That seems reasonable, right?

BUT... as much as I daydream about getting away from it all... as much as I'd like to just make the whole world disappear sometimes... I don't think I'd want to stay there permanently. It sounds mad, I know.

Here's the thing though.

1) I think cabin fever would set in after a while.

2) I think I would start to miss all the people I'd left behind after a while. I'm not really the type to get homesick, but I would wonder how everyone was doing and whatnot and it'd be nice to be able to get in touch with and visit them.

3) A year on a remote island... Wouldn't you want to share your experiences? I think there might be a book in that!

4) We always wanna get away from the rat-race when we're stuck in the middle of it, but once you're away, I think you might get bored after a while. I think a year of that life would definitely not be a problem, but once it got to five years... ten? Nothing changes, no excitement... always the same old routine... wouldn't you start to go mad eventually? I mean, I suppose the companion would help with that, but that only works for so long before the cabin fever sets in.

I think my ideal situation would be to have my food, water, and companion as well as a few books, some empty journals/notebooks, and plenty of writing implements. When the rescue ship arrived... I'd tell them to check back in on me in TWO years. I think two years is a good amount of time.

Now, if there were other people on the island... some native tribe or something... people I didn't know, people from another culture... well, then I think I could quite happily stay there for five or ten years! (It would be nice to have some sort of communication with the outside world though. I don't need telephones or Internet, as long as I can get a letter out, then I'd stay.)

Holding out for the 36-hour day

2010-07-06T10:17:00.001-04:00

Only three? I could do with about an extra 10 - 12 hours per day! In that case, I'd probably spend an extra hour or two sleeping. I'd definitely dedicate a good chunk of it to reading. I'd spend at least a couple hours on my chainmaille projects. And then rest I'd try to spend either cleaning or coding. There's just never enough time!

Wishlist: Power drill

2010-07-05T13:19:00.001-04:00

I make chainmaille. (*shameless plug* check out my store at: http://www.etsy.com/shop/HelenBesoe *shameless plug*) At the moment I make all my rings by hand. It'd be really nice if I could set up a power-winding rig. All I'd really need is a power drill and a few mandrels.

power drill madness

A high torque, low speed power drill would be really nice. Or even a variable speed drill.

All sorts of foods soothe me when I'm stressed

2010-07-05T13:09:00.001-04:00

I don't really have one "comfort food" that I always reach for when I'm stressed or depressed. It varies from day to day, week to week. The last time I got really stressed out, I sent the boyfriend out for Wonderbread and croissants. (I almost NEVER eat white bread!) Other times I get completely different cravings.

Croissant - French Fantasies

Sometimes it's sweets and I want chocolate or ice cream or sour gummy candies.

Sometimes it's starch and I want white bread or croissants or something.

Sometimes I'll get more peculiar cravings... Dill pickles and vanilla pudding... Blue cheese and tuna... sauerkraut and hot dogs... (And, no, I'm not pregnant, just weird. :P )

Physical activity? Swimming and Biking, I guess...

2010-07-05T13:02:00.001-04:00

Am I a regular? Sure amn't!

I do enjoy swimming, but I don't go as often as I should. If I happen to know I'm gonna be on campus during the free swim hours, I'll bring my bathing suit and swim a couple dozen lengths of the pool, but it's by no means a regular thing.

Same with biking. If I have to get somewhere, I'll grab my bike and go, but it's dependent on many things. If the weather's bad or I'm in a hurry or I'm feeling tired/lazy and I have a bus pass, I might just hop on the bus instead. If I don't have to go very far, I'd just as soon walk. (I'm not very good on a bike. I never really learned to ride one as a kid and I'm finding it a little awkward as an adult.)

Would I even notice a day without my cellphone?

2010-07-05T12:57:00.001-04:00

I think the biggest inconvenience for me would be not know what time it is. My cellphone is also my watch as I don't particularly like wearing wrist watches.

Other than that, my phone doesn't really see that much use.

I call my parents on weekends. Occasionally I'll get a call from them, or my friends or boyfriend. But there aren't really that many people who I need to call or who need to call me.

I really wouldn't mind not having a cell phone for a day (or a week or more) as long as I had a pocket watch or something.

On a sidenote... I LOVE pocket watches!

Open-minded, not empty-headed

2010-07-05T12:53:00.001-04:00

Charles Bell: Anatomy of the Brain, c. 1802

"Don't be so open-minded that your brains fall out!"

I can't remember where I heard this, but I really like it. I hate it when people are closed-minded, but I also think it's silly to just accept everything without any consideration or common sense. I think this quote captures that spirit.

"Never trust a man who says 'trust me'."

My mother told me this years ago. She said it was something that her father told her when she was young. I like it.

Puppy Love Can Be a Great Motivator...

2010-07-05T12:47:00.001-04:00

Well, I don't think I could really call myself an "early adopter". I started using the Internet in the mid 90s, but I didn't really start using it REGULARLY 'til about 2001 or so.

I got my first boyfriend that year and he was always on IRC. THAT'S when I started using the Internet every day. Before that it was an hour here or there, once or twice a week. I'd check my e-mail and do research for projects, but it wasn't regular and consistent. But, being able to talk to my boyfriend every night? That's what got me on the Internet.

It seems a bit silly now, I guess. But hey!

I hung out with the math nerds

2009-07-22T03:33:00.001-04:00

I spent most of high school hanging out with the math nerds and computer science geeks and I wouldn't've had it any other way. A few extra years hasn't changed that. I could care less about the popular crowd and the jocks! I'm glad that I didn't fall in with the stoners. I don't have anything in particular against the band geeks or the drama crowd, but I can't really see myself fitting in too well. No, my people were, and always will be the math nerds and the CS geeks. (Although... is there a choice for grammar geeks? or language nuts? or maybe literature fans? I could see myself possibly getting on well with that/those crowds.)

I win at awkward

2009-07-22T02:15:00.001-04:00

When have I put my foot in my mouth? The better question is: when isn't my foot in my mouth?

I'm always saying things that can be/are taken the wrong way. Or that are laden with unintentional innuendo. Or have an unintended negative connotation. I just seem to have a knack for it. What can I say? No, wait... best not to say anything at all. Less chance of disaster that way!

Every kid should learn Respect

2009-07-22T01:44:00.002-04:00

There are lots of important lessons and concepts that kids should learn. Unfortunately, not a lot do. Some of these things need to be taught by example. Some (for me at least) will be more of a "do as I say, not as I do" situation. Some things, they may have to learn on their own, in their own time. But parents can still offer advice along the way, and give them the tools they need to build up to the answers.
That being said, what would I teach my kids?

Respect
Why? So we don't end up with a generation of disrespectful, sniveling little brats. Wait... whoops! Too late. *sigh*

Responsibility
See above.
Plus, I don't want my kids to be helpless, irresponsible turds. They should know how to take care of themselves at the very least. Know how to maintain things and handle money. Learn to take their lumps and deal with the consequences of their actions. It's all about responsibility

Etiquette
Even if you don't always follow it. It's good to know. "Better to have and not need...", right?

Values/Morals
Because it's important to have principles. Doesn't matter whether they come from religion or your own conscience or sense of right and wrong or family values that have been passed down. You should have principles. They should serve as a guide.

Work Ethic/Diligence
I'll not have my children being lazy, listless lumps!

Love of Learning
This is one that really needs to be taught by example. Not nearly enough people (kids or adults) get excited about learning anymore. It's such a shame! There's so much out there! So much knowledge. So much world. We should be discovering it, experiencing it!

Logic/Reasoning
There is a surprising lack of basic reasoning skills these days.

Balance
This is one that I'm still struggling with.
Balance work and play.
Balance family and social.
Balance flexibility and integrity.
Balance skepticism and open-mindedness.
Balance humour and seriousness.
Balance optimism and realism.
Balance self-esteem and humility.
Balance forethought and spontaneity.
Balance caution and adventure.
Balance candor and civility/courtesy.
Balance head and heart.
And probably lots of other balances besides. It's an important concept.

'Proportional' sounds so sweet

2009-07-22T00:00:00.001-04:00

Proportional
I love the way it sounds. Can't explain it, just do.

Schadenfreud
On a purely superficial level, it sounds kinda cool. Plus, it's a concept that I didn't even realize there was a separate word for until fairly recently.

Vehement
Such a strong word...

Ruminate
I don't use this one enough.

Tirade
I could rant about what a wonderful word this is but, for now, I'll just go with: "Fun. Expressive. Love it!"

Cloy
Just... appropriate sometimes.

Harbinger
Sounds foreboding...

Malediction
Everyone knows "benediction", but how many know his evil twin?

Choler
A throwback to older times, when the four humours still came into the treatment of medicine.

Defenestrate
Learned this word in the third grade and loved it ever since.

Exsanguinate
Right up there with defenestrate.

Hyperbole
A million times more fun to say than "exaggeration"!

Surfeit
"If music be the food of love, play on!"

Replete
Sounds... sophisticated.

Tremulous
I'm pretty sure that I "adopted" this word some weeks back... Haven't been using it near enough if that's the case.

Lachrymose
The wonder of this word brings tears to my eyes!

Countermand
Sounds dignified. Wait... no, I take it back!

Sesquipedalian
Whoever came up with this word had a sense of humour. Bravo!

Malinger
I would write more about this word... but I'm suddenly feeling a little ill.

Fiduciary
Sounds so... foppish.

Antediluvian
I like it. Sounds cool. Even if people do think I'm old-fashioned for using it!

Meticulous
I just like it, okay?

Tutelage
Don't hear this one enough anymore.

Laconic
Because I tend to be far too verbose for my own good.

Mnemonic
Gotta love silent letters!

Chthonic
This is a relatively new word for me...

Knell
"I go, and it is done; the bell invites me."

Supernumerary
Some would argue that this word is superfluous... I would tend to disagree.

Lackadaisical
I'm feeling far too listless to provide any more reason for liking this word than enjoying the way it sounds.

Facetious
I'm sarcastic enough that I should have ample opportunity to use this one, but somehow, I always seem to forget.

Panache
I try to use it with style when I can.

Munificence
"That's my last duchess painted on the wall..."

Tintinnabulation
Has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?

Voiciferous
Just... yes.

Disconcerting
I'd use this one more, except people seem to find it unsettling...

Suffuse
Sounds warm and gentle. Lovely.

Hoary
"An old hare hoar, And an old hare hoar, Is very good meat in lent."

Regale
Shall I regale you with tales Of fishes and whales?

Laudable
High praise to the folks who can pick the Latin root out of this word!

Immolate
I've been burning to use this word for a while now.

Glower
Sometimes it's just the right word.

Comestible
Not to be confused with "combustible".

Pugnacious
Nearly started a fight the last time I used this one!

Salubrious
Makes you feel good just saying it, don't it?

Miasma
Well, if "salubrious" made you feel good...

Inveigle
Never had cause to use this one ('though "invigilate" does come up from time to time). It sounds cool though, eh?

Winsome
Hehe, been hearing this one a lot lately...

Ubiquitous
Think I learned this one from an excerpt from A Christmas Carol.

Confluence
Whee!

Maelstrom
I need to find more excuses to use this one!

Garrulous
Goes with pugnacious...

Renumerate
I'd list all the reasons why I like this word... but it would take too long.

Anathema
Another relatively recent addition to my lexicon.

Plethora
I could give you a myriad reasons why I like this word,

But upon closer consideration

That seems absurd.

In the end, justifications, I need but one;

I like it simply

Because it's fun!

Raiment
Sounds snazzy, doesn't it?

Copecetic
My physics teacher used to use this one all the time. Great word! Thank you Mr. Klatt!

Aplomb
Because it's too hard to say things with a peach!

Caterwaul
Goes with "cacophony"...

Extemporaneous
I can never seem to slip this into casual conversation... always feels contrived.

Sagacious
Guaranteed to make you feel smarter just saying it!

Zyzzyva
Last but not least!

Bucket List (Extended)

2009-07-21T19:48:00.002-04:00

I know, I know! it's been ages since I posted last. I've just been preoccupied with other things, okay? Anyway, at the moment, I'm just catching up on all the Plinky prompts that I've missed in the last month and a half. (I'm gonna be a while!) While I was poking around on Plinky though, I took a look at some of my old posts. Specifically my answer to the "Bucket List" prompt. It had asked for five things that I'd like to do before I "kick the bucket" so that's what I gave, five. Looking at it though, there's a lot of other stuff that I'd like to do. So, I decided to do an update with a revised list. Here goes...

In case you'd forgotten, my first five items were: Hang glide, visit the Darien, see the Outback and the Great Barrier Reef (okay, so maybe that's technically two...), have a house with a library, and get published. I'd expanded on each of the five at the time, but I'm not going to go back over them now. The post should be floating around somewhere in the month of March if you really want a refresher.

Anyway, what would I add?

Learn/improve languages:
I'd like to improve my French and Spanish to the point where I could be considered fluent, or at least very close to. I've also started learning Tagalog recently. I wouldn't mind being fluent in that as well. At least I have native speakers to help me along with the Spanish and Tagalog.
I'm decent with simple Attic Greek at this point, but I still can't handle anything really advanced. I'd like to improve it to the point where I can pick up and read pretty much anything in that dialect and make a decent guess at other dialects as well.
Sanskrit is a root for so many other languages; I think it would be fascinating to learn.
Of course, Old English makes the list! I want to be able to read Beowulf in the original. I want to know where my language has come from. See what it used to look like. See how it's grown and changed over the centuries. On a related note... I'd also love to learn Frisian or Old Frisian. That's where English has its roots, right? I'd love to take it back to the source.
I wouldn't mind doing a few formal lessons in Portuguese... I'm not necessarily looking to be fluent here. I can already read/understand it decently well. I just want to know enough that I can speak it a little bit... string a few sentences together.
On the "If This Hasn't Taken Up All My Time and Brain Power" list: I think it would be cool to learn Afrikaans, ASL, and Yiddish.
I'm sure other languages will occur to me in time. I'll come across other tongues that capture my interest. But those are the ones that have made the list for now.

Earn my black belt
It would feel good to go back and earn my black belt in Karate (or possibly some other form of martial arts).

Learn fencing
I'd love to learn fencing or some other form of swordplay.

Master archery
I've done a little bit, but it's been a few years now, I never went very far with it in the first place and I've forgotten most of what I did learn/practice.

Take a wilderness survival course

Bookbinding
I'd love to be able to bind my own books. I've got instructions for it. I know the basics of how it's done, but I've never actually tried it. I think it would be a great way to preserve letters and things that you wanted to keep.

Travel:
There are all sorts of things I want to see and do. For now, I'm just going to list the countries and the first few things that I think of that make me want to visit them.
Costa Rica - Arinole volcano, rain/cloud forests, wildlife
Argentina - culture (music, dance, food, etc.), Iguazu Falls, penguins
Brazil - Amazon River, Amazon rainforest, wildlife
Chile - Andes
Peru - Machu Picchu, history, culture, wildlife
Ecuador - Galapagos (wildlife!)
South Africa - wildlife, pre-history
Madagascar - lemurs!
Egypt - history, Giza pyramid complex, history, Nile
Kenya - wildlife, volunteerism
Iceland - volcanoes, geothermal energy, history, language, glaciers
Romania - culture, scenery/landscape, history (want to get there before the country changes too much. Might already be too late :( )
Czech Republic - Prague, architecture, history
Greece - history, culture, history!, language, scenery/landscape
Italy - architecture, art, Venice, Florence, Rome, history
Russia - language, architecture, scenery/landscape, culture
China - culture, history
Mongolia - culture, history
Thailand - culture, history, religion, beauty (landscape/scenery)
India - wildlife, language, culture
Nepal - beauty (landscape/scenery), culture, language, history, Kathmandu
Philippines - Xen, language, culture, scenery/landscape
Australia - wildlife!, Outback, Great Barrier Reef, wildlife, landscape/scenery, Sydney, Adelaide, Uluru (Ayer's Rock), wombats, kangaroos, platypus, echidna, camel, emu, koala, bush baby...
New Zealand - hang gliding, rafting, culture, landscape/scenery
Vietnam - beauty (landscape/scenery)
Malta - culture, language
Hungary - history, culture, language
Cambodia - Angkor Wat, history, beauty (landscape/scenery)

Read all the books on my "to-read" list

Become proficient in:
C++, C#, D, Ada, Lisp, Scheme, Haskell, Ruby on Rails, Perl, PHP, SQL...

Pay off my debt
You know? That big, honking debt I'm gonna have once I finish school? Yeah, wanna get rid of that as quickly as possible.

Athens Classic Marathon
I think it would be cool to try... just once. Regular marathons in other places don't really hold any appeal for me. If I wanna walk or run somewhere, I can do that, I don't need to sign up to some big, ol' special event for it. But the historic connection of the Athens Marathon appeals to me. I'd do that. I'm in no shape to attempt it right now, that's for sure! But someday, if I'm ever in Greece, I'd like to try it.

Drive through a redwood tree

Ride a bull
Or at least try to... Alright... maybe just a steer then.
Don't know if I'd manage the full eight seconds. (Haha, that's when you know a sport is hard, when "winning" counts as being able to do it for eight seconds in a row.)

Learn metalsmithing
So freakin' cool!

Attend the Calgary Stampede

Play the cello
I don't mean just draw the bow across the strings. I want to be able to play it well. Get a decent sound out of it. Now that doesn't mean that I have to be expert. But adequate, passing well, would be nice. Cellos have such a lovely, deep sound, so beautiful, I'd love to be able to produce that.

See a Cirque de Soleil show
Just once

Learn belly dancing
Come on! Tell me that wouldn't be fun!

Ride a train across Canada

Learn ballroom dancing
Part of any proper Renaissance education...
Gotta be well-read, elegant, educated, refined...
Should be able to speak two or more languages. Should know how to ride a horse and play at least one instrument. Should know how to fight (with honour). Should know and practice proper etiquette. And... should know how to dance.

Donate blood

Visit all 10 Canadian provinces, all three territories, and all 50 US states

Try some unusual/interesting foods:
fugu (pufferfish), roadkill (just once, just because), moose, cat, dog, kaolin (edible clay), phaal (a very spicy Indian dish), Rocky Mountain/Prairie Oysters (bull testicles), chicken feet, boar, pigeon, quail, haggis (ground lungs, liver, and heart of a sheep mixed with oatmeal and spices and stuffed and cooked inside its own stomach), squirrel, fried twinkie, insects (fried grasshoppers, chocolate covered ants... something like that), sea urchin, sweetbreads (thymus and pancreas of a sheep, breaded and fried), crocodile (curry), absinthe (the real stuff, with wormwood), steak tartare (chopped, raw steak mixed with raw egg, black pepper, and onion), mahi mahi (dolphin-fish != dolphin), polenta (boiled cornmeal dish), soft pretzel, blood orange...

DOS games will go in my time capsule

2009-06-05T23:39:00.001-04:00

This is a more difficult question than I would've thought. If the capsule were to be opened up in 100 years, I might put in items that reflect our culture and technology. If it were to be opened up in 500 years, I might put in items to help deal with the apocalypse, anarchy, and/or the decline of civilization. And if it were to be opened in 1000 years, I'd probably just include a tombstone or some sort of memorial. Forty years is tough though. That's, presumably, still in my lifetime. People will still remember what life was like in 2009, I don't need to remind them. And as much as I think we're headed in an inescapable, downward spiral... As much as I think we've doomed ourselves... I don't think we'll meet our end in the next couple of decades. I think we've got at least another one to two hundred years in us, depending on how we play things.

Anyway, like I said, tough question. Here's what I came up with...

DOS and vintage games
All of my favourites. King's Quest I through VI. Forget VII and Mask of Eternity or whatever it was, not worth it.

Zork I, II, III, and Zero.

Planetfall.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy text adventure.

Lands of Lore. Just the original Throne of Chaos, the sequels were crap.

Kyrandia. Again, just the original game. Hand of Fate could've been great... if the story hadn't been terrible. "Mr. Hand"? Come on, guys! WTF?! I know Markus was supposed to be in there for comic relief, and he was. I didn't have a problem with him. But the villain should be scary. Like Malcom was. He was creepy and slightly terrifying. You were afraid to face him. Mr. Hand was just hokey. And you never did find any more about the evil wizard he was supposedly a part of. The game had potential, but the story was decidedly lacking. The first game was fantastic though! Anyway... I digress...

SimLife. I still maintain that this was the best of the "Sim" series. Absolutely brilliant. It didn't get nearly the praise and attention it deserved.

EcoQuest, both of them. These games were fantastic. I've played them about a dozen times each, and I'd still go back and play them again.

Adventure... where it all began. The very first text adventure.

I'd probably throw Planescape: Torment in there too. Face it, that was a good game!

These games need to be included because they're friggin' fantastic and people need to start playing them again. Maybe if they found them in an awesome time capsule they'd pay attention and take note.

Documentation
Of course, along with all these games, I'd include any maps, guides, hints, or other documentation that would've accompanied them. Whatever will enhance the experience and allow people to get the most enjoyment out of these classics.

An old DOS/Windows PC
And/or a copy of Dosbox. 'Cause you need to have something to run these games on and I'm thinking that Vista or Windows 7 or Linux or OSX or whatever operating system is around in forty years might confuse these poor old pieces of software a bit.

Pens, pencils, and paper
'Cause sometimes you have to take notes, or make a map yourself.

A few of my favourite books
Crime and Punishment, the Tempest, Stranger in a Strange Land, Chocky, The Midwich Cuckoos, Flesh and Spirit, Breath and Bone, A Brief History of Time, Macbeth, Catch-22, The Once and Future King, The Adventure of English, Surely You're Joking Mr. Feynmann, Fear of Physics, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Satyrica, His Dark Materials...

(Hmm... This is shaping up to be a rather hefty time capsule, isn't it?)

Again, these are good books that people should read.

Uncontaminated elm seeds and leaves
Maybe, in forty years, they'll have found a cure for Dutch Elm Disease. The best thing we seem to be able to manage at the moment is injections to prolong the life of the tree. That and quarantines. I'd like to see DED eradicated. Or at the very least, effectively controlled.

Heirloom seeds
Less commonly cultivated varieties of various vegetables. We tend to pick one or two varieties and cultivate them to death, literally. We have beefsteak tomatoes, or cherry or grape if you want something smaller. We have only two or three types of corn. A couple types of peas... You get the picture. With no variety, we're just asking for a disease to sweep through and wipe out all our crops.

My time capsule would have some less than common strains of popular fruits and vegetables. Unless disaster has already struck by the time the capsule is opened, I doubt people will pay my seeds any mind. But it's worth a shot.

530 BC, here I come!

2009-06-05T21:39:00.003-04:00

If I could time travel, there are a few eras and places I'd like to visit. I'd go to Greece in 530 BC. I wouldn't stay for long, but I'd love to see it. Even if just for a few days. I'd have to be careful about how I dressed and what I said. I don't speak ancient Greek too well, and only that Attic dialect at that. That's why an extended stay would probably be unwise.

I wouldn't mind visiting year 0, 33 AD, etc. Just to see how much Christ was hyped and how much was legit. First of all, did he even exist? (I suspect that the stories are based on an actual person, but you never know.) I'd like to see some of what he actually did? What was he like? (I'm fairly certain that tales of his exploits have been exaggerated and embellished over the years. I mean, look what happens in a game of "Telephone"... The message is usually horribly distorted after only a few minutes and a couple dozen people. Imagine what could happen over millions of people and thousands of years! I believe that the stories we hear today still have a basis in truth, I just want to know how much.)

After that trip, I'd probably head to England, 1370. See what Chaucer's England was like.

From there, I'd just set the dial forward a bit and head to the early 1600s. Very early 1600s. Like 1601 maybe. I'd seek out Shakespeare and the globe. Maybe go see a play or two. I'd like to at least see a tragedy and a comedy. The Tempest would've just been written, I think. I'd also want to explore some other cultural aspects of the era, 'though, again, I wouldn't stay too long. This time for fear of disease.

Once I'd done all that, then I might poke around more modern times. Sure, I'd take a look at 1885. See what life what like, what's changed in the past hundred and twenty odd years. I don't think I'd fit in very well in the 19th century. I think I'd have to make up some tale about being raised in a far-off land or something, just to explain my seeming oddities.

Other things I might like to see: the roarin' twenties, the dirty thirties, and the psychedelic sixties.

As you can see, my time machine would mostly have me concerned with the past. There are all sorts of times and places I'd like to visit. Maybe I'd poke around the fifth and sixth century, see if I could pin good King Arthur down. Settle the debate as to his existence once and for all. Or visit the New World, before the arrival of Europeans. The possibilities are just about endless!

That being said... I might eventually decide to take a peek at the future. Just to see how badly we screw things up. Or if we actually manage to salvage the situation. At this point I think the best thing we could do is die out quietly. Try not to screw up the environment any more than we already have. Try not to kill of any more critters or do too much more damage. Maybe once we're gone nature can start re-balancing herself.

With that in mind, I'd probably go ahead and visit year 2500. See where we're at in 500 years. See if we've managed to eradicate ourselves yet. Maybe I'll get a shock and find out that we discovered a way to fix things. That'd be nice.

(By the way, I'm assuming that, for some unexplained reason, I don't have to worry about the usual paradoxes here. I'm assuming that, although I can talk to the people I meet and interact with them to an extent, I will have a net zero effect on events. I can't give people ideas, convince them to do or not do something, change their opinions. And I definitely can't maim or kill people (thinking of the "kill your own grandmother paradox here"). Much as there are things in history that I'd love to change, I shouldn't be the one to do it. Who knows what could happen as a result?! There are just too many variables. As much as I would have good intentions, I could end up creating a much worse situation in the end. So for my own safety and piece of mind, and for the integrity of the time line, I will "leave no footprints".)

I like to relax with big book

2009-06-05T12:56:00.001-04:00

I don't get stressed and depressed nearly as much as I used to. That being said, it still does happen a fair bit. Luckily I've found a few things that help ease the tension and get me to relax a bit.

the biggest book in Second Life?

Reading and writing are the big ones. Depends on exactly what's stressing me out. If I just need to "get away" for a while, I'll probably jump into a good book. Something light and easy to read. A fiction (probably fantasy or sci-fi, though it varies). Something that I can dive into and be immersed in another world. Forget my worries.

On the other hand, if I feel like I need to talk things out, I'll probably write. It gives me a chance to think things over and work stuff out. Sometimes issues seem clearer once they've been captured on paper.

Hanging out with friends is also a good bet. I don't always get troubles resolved this way, but at the very least they will help me to relax and take my mind off of whatever's bothering me. And advice, when given, is always appreciated (if not always followed).

'Tis better to have loved and lost

2009-06-05T12:55:00.001-04:00

I think that this answer could be different for different people. However, for me personally, I think it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. As painful as the loss can be... As much as it can shatter your confidence, shake your resolve, and just generally mess with your head... I still wouldn't change my answer. The problem with never falling in love in the first place, as far as I'm concerned, is then I'd always wonder. I'd wonder what it's like, if I could've been happy with someone else, what I'm missing out on. I just always wonder. And I would feel that I'd missed out. I would feel that there was just something I didn't "get". This way I know. It doesn't negate any of the pain of the loss, knowing. It doesn't make it any easier to deal with. And it doesn't mean that I won't look for love again. But it does satisfy that question. And if I don't find love again, well, I won't feel quite so bad, 'cause at least I know that I had it once.

Nostalgia: Zork

2009-05-23T00:18:00.002-04:00

If nothing else, checking out Legends of Zork did get me thinking about the series again. I found I had the intense urge to play Zork again. You know... the original one... the one that wasn't crap!

Man! Do I love that game!

I played through it the other day. And Zork II. And Zork III.

I love the viewing table in Zork III. That was a really nice touch. It was fun to go back and visit little bits of Zork I and II. I love that the grue repellent, utterly useless in its own setting, suddenly becomes an essential item in the third game. Of course, this got me all excited, thinking that I was gonna finally get to use that broken timber from the coal mine back in Zork I. I think, next time I play, I might just drag the timber into the dungeon and use it to block the light in the beam room. Just to say that I finally, finally used it for something. It's the principle of the matter, right?

Anyway, it was nice to go back and enjoy those games. There's just something so wonderful about text adventures and interactive fictions. I love it! It's so immersive. So what if the parser doesn't always understand what you want it to do? That's fine. You get a feel for how to talk to it after a while. And sometimes it's fun to see what sort of a response it'll give you. ("A hollow voice says 'fool'.") I wish more people still played text adventures and got excited about interactive fiction.

Legends of Zork

2009-05-22T23:49:00.005-04:00

So, talking to one of my friends the other day, she happened to mention Zork. Now... my first reaction was to get very excited. I meet very few people who have ever heard of Zork let alone know what it is or how to play. So I was absolutely thrilled at this mention. Then I find out that she was talking about Legends of Zork, "a new MMO that just came out". Alright, well, that's still kind of cool. Maybe it'll get people interested in the series again. I'm not too sure about this MMO idea, but it could be good if they've done a proper job of it. I figure I'll check it out.

What a disappointment!

How is it that this brand new game that just came out, played over the Internet with dozens of players, is actually less interactive than the original Zork that was written almost 30 years ago?

The game consists of: click an area you want to explore, push button to explore, you were attacked by monster x. From there it will display the results of the encounter. (You don't actually do anything, you just let the game play itself really.) If you won, it will tell you how much experience you got, how much money you won, and any other loot you managed to find. If you lost, you get to click the "return to base button" so you can go back home and heal.

As you collect loot and money you can buy better equipment. You can also collect Double Fanucci cards which can improve you attack and/or defense scores.

As you gain more experience, you gain levels and skill points. You can use your skill points to buy "training". Different types of training will have different effects. You might get a boost to the probability of successfully navigating a mechanical maze or a discount on items in the shops.

You get 30 action points per day. Each exploration uses one action point. Returning to base uses one action point. Once you've clicked the "explore" button a couple dozen times, that's it! You're done for the day! All you can do for the rest of the day is fiddle around with your equipment and cards. Either that, or you can pay money to buy coconuts which you can then trade in for more action points (or zorkmids, the game currency; or various other effects).

Like I said... big disappointment. The game basically plays itself. There are no puzzles. No problem-solving. No dialog. No interaction! Just "explore", "you won", "you won", "you won", "you lost", "return to base"... lather, rinse, repeat... try not to fall asleep. You don't even keep any of the treasure you loot. It's automatically sold as soon as you return to base.

What a waste!

My preferred writing medium

2009-05-12T01:15:00.001-04:00

Quill etc

Depends on my mood. Sometimes I just love the feeling of my fingers whizzing across the keyboard. I love the sound of the keys clicking. And seeing the words appear on the screen.

Sometimes I want the flexibility of a computer. I want to be able to change and edit what I'm saying. I want to add styles and effects. And sometimes I just want that feeling. Just that sensation of typing. It's therapeutic.

Other times though I need paper. I need to feel the pen in my hand. See the ink on the page. See that irrevocable change; whole books, journals gradually filling as I pour my thoughts onto the pages. There is a satisfaction to that. Something that you just can't get from writing on the ever-expanding plane of white that lives in word processors on computers.

Barefoot Bliss

2009-05-12T00:26:00.001-04:00

I'd go barefoot all the time if I could. As soon as I step inside the house, shoes and socks come off. When I'm home visiting my parents in the summer, I quite often go barefoot outside too. (Unless I'm going back to the barn, of course. I like doing many things barefoot... stepping in cow pies is not one of them.) Unfortunately, when I'm in town, barefoot is not usually an option. Aside from all the things that you might step on, people tend to think you're a little... "off" if they see you running around with no footwear and you're not at the beach. Sigh, oh well.

So, what am I wearing when my feet aren't roaming free? Ninety-nine percent of the time, that's my steel-toed boots. Sturdy, trusty, comfortable. They have to be some of the best shoes I've ever owned. I love 'em!

That other one percent usually falls to either sandals or rubber boots, depending on where I am and what I'm doing.

So, yeah... take from that what you will. If shoes really do make the man, then I'm not entirely sure what that makes me but, oh well.

I'm really a cow person

2009-05-12T00:10:00.001-04:00

I like a cat's independence. Cats can be affectionate, but they're also just fine going off on their own. They don't always want your attention and they may not always be happy to see you. Somehow I like that about a cat.

That being said... I'm also a cow person. There's just something about cows. I love just sitting out on a summer afternoon, watching them graze. I love their rough tongues and their soft eyes. I love watching the calves kick up their heels when the seasons are changing and the spring weather gets in their blood.

I know cows probably seem like an odd choice of favourite animal. Most girls would probably go for a horse over a cow. I guess I'm just a little strange, eh?

Pasta is a tasty 'broke meal'

2009-05-11T23:54:00.001-04:00

The thing about pasta is you can dress it up or down as much as you want. If you've got a few dollars to spare, great! Go out and buy a few extra ingredients. If not, oh well.

East Meets West Pasta

If I've got little to no money, the pasta usually takes the form of ramen noodles. (Just add water and you're good to go!) If I've got the time, money, and inclination, I can always make them a bit more exciting. Adding a few mushrooms, a boiled egg, and some imitation crab usually does the trick.

Italian-type pasta can also be good when cash is short. A pound of dry spaghetti is relatively cheap and will go quite a ways. I'm fine just eating that with a bit of garlic and a little butter once it's boiled. If I have spices on hand, a tin of tomato paste is only a few cents and I can make my own sauce. I'm also quite fond of pasta with fried eggs. (I know it sounds weird, but it's actually very nice. Think of it as a variation on pasta carbonara.) You caramelize a few slices of onion in the bottom of the pan first, then fry a couple of eggs, leaving the yolks runny, throw in a bit of garlic, (maybe some Italian seasoning,) a bit of pepper, whatever else takes your fancy, and toss that with the pasta. The yolks break and coat the pasta like a sauce. Just grate a little cheese over that and you're done! (Parmesean works best, but it's expensive. A little bit of cheddar or whatever you have on hand usually works just fine.)

The great thing about my egg and pasta dish is that it's easy to add more things to when you have them, but if you don't, it's just fine without them. Got a tin of sardines? Throw it in. Chicken? Sure! Frozen veg? Works just fine. You can modify this dish just about any way you want.

Disclaimer: Although I've made many modifications to the fried egg + pasta dish... the original idea was not my own. I got it from a wonderful cookbook that my mother gave me.

I find Political correctness offensive

2009-04-28T04:38:00.001-04:00

Political correctness
As ironic as it sounds, yes. I tend to get fairly annoyed listening to people tip-toeing around trying to be all PC. You know what? Just say it! I mean, rephrasing the odd thing here and there is one thing, but sometimes things just get taken too far.

That guy who cleans toilets and mops the floor at the local elementary school? He's a janitor! Not a "sanitation engineer" or an "environmental hygienist". And the woman who stays at home to look after her kids, do housework, etc.? Housewife! When did people start spouting all this "domestic engineer" nonsense?

Anyway, maybe that's just me. Maybe everyone else is perfectly fine with all this PC terminology and censoring and whatnot. Me? I'd rather waste my time on other things.

Religious zealots
Now this isn't to say I have a problem with people being religious. I'm not particularly religious myself, but that doesn't mean that other people can't be. The problem comes in when people start trying to "save" me or somesuch. That annoys me. I have my beliefs, you have yours, let's leave it at that. Even the saving I don't mind so much if they're gentle about it. If they just offer up a bit of information and share their beliefs, that's not so bad. It's when they get forceful about it that I take exception. Anyway, like I said, long as you're not an over-the-top, my-way-is-the-only-way, fanatical, religious zealot, we're probably fine. And, if you are... well... at least try to find someone who wants to listen before you start "sharing".

From Ontario (Canada) to Panama (and that's not even the longest distance I've tried!)

2009-04-08T12:43:00.001-04:00

It may not be the longest distance relationship I've attempted, but it is my longest distance successful (so far) relationship. Then again, the first was a romantic relationship while this one's just a simple, comfortable friendship. Maybe that had something to do with it. Anyway! I digress...
The longest distance relationship I currently have is with my friend Raul in Panama City, Panama. (That's pretty freakin' far from me here in Guelph!)

How did I end up making friends with someone who lives so far away? Well... since you asked:
I took a trip to Panama with my mother about a year ago. It was lovely! Two weeks was not nearly enough time, but at least it gave us a taste.
I met Raul at one of the hotels we stayed at. We hit it off and spent a good bit of time talking so, before I left, we exchanged e-mail addresses. We've been in touch ever since.

The Internet is a wonderful thing. We talk on MSN a fair bit. Less now that we're both in school again and have different schedules. But we still keep in touch. He's a good friend and I always enjoy talking to him. Maybe one day I'll be able to go back to Panama to visit him, or he might make it to Canada to visit me, but for now I'm content just having such a great friend to talk to online.

Friendster

2009-04-06T01:09:00.002-04:00

So, I Stumbled Upon an article about Friendster the other day... Now, I didn't know much about Friendster, and I didn't really care to find out. I always thought it sounded like something pre-pubescent "cool" kids signed up to in order to show off how popular they were. Not my kind of thing. This reading this article was enough to convince me to take a look at it though. Not because my opinion of the site is any higher, but because it sounds completely ridiculous and somewhat amusing. I must admit, the "degrees of separation" thing also intrigued me. I do like tracing out connections and seeing how things are related, so that bit was right up my alley.

So, anyway, I fill in a profile and register for Friendster. I figure I'll play around with it a bit, see who it connects me to.
Well... apparently, not a single one of my friends is on Friendster. I checked. No one.
So much for that idea!
Oh well.

Environmentally Concerned

2009-04-05T23:30:00.001-04:00

Yes, I am concerned about the environment. Yes, I think it is possible to have a positive impact. Do I think that overall, as a species, we can have a net-good effect? Not really.

Honestly... We're screwed! At this point, I don't think it's a matter of if it all comes tumbling down, but how fast. Now, that doesn't mean that I don't think we should try to off-set it or slow it down a little. Just because I think we've set ourselves on a course to crash and burn, doesn't mean that I think we should take everything else on the planet with us. By all means, we should try to minimize our impact. Maybe we can even put of the inevitable long enough for someone to find a miraculous solution and save the day. Or maybe we'll hit the wall and cause the next mass extinction. Who knows?

Bottom line is: People won't change until they have to. Sure, we'll do little things - easy things - but, the big changes - the ones that really matter - won't come until disaster is staring us right in the face. By then it's 'too little, too late'.

Okay, now that I've gotten the rant-y part out of the way (sorry 'bout that guys), here's how I try to do my part:

Use compact fluorescent lights

Take public transit

Keep lights turned off whenever possible

Wear clothes a couple of times before I put them in the wash

Recycle

Compost

Save and reuse containers

Minimize climate control (thermostat generally stays at 62 F in the winter, 72 F in the summer, and gets turned off all together in between)

Don't spray or water the lawn (This one really bugs me! So what if your lawn has a few weeds in it, who cares?! And the irrigation thing really bothers me. It's such a waste! If it's dry enough that your lawn is turning brown then it's dry enough that we should be trying to conserve water. Heck, we should be trying to conserve water anyway! But especially if there's a drought on.)

Don't buy bottled water

Try to avoid buying large packages containing smaller 'individually wrapped' or 'single-serving' packets (better just to buy the big case and portion as needed)

Anyway, those are my thoughts and contributions, pessimistic and pathetic as they may, respectively, be.

Thokk

2009-04-03T13:27:00.002-04:00

So after my brief (8-hour) experience with D&D, I decided that I'd like to play a bit more. This of course requires that I build a character. Now, at the moment I don't have a current PHB (player's handbook), but I did manage to get my hands on an old 3rd ed one. I've read through that and come up with a character based on those rules, Thokk.
Thokk Faror is a simple-minded, half-orc ranger. I'm very pleased with Thokk, as a character, so far. I know he'll need to be updated for 4th ed (or possibly only 3.5) but I'm hoping that that'll only be minor tweaking and I can keep my basic character concept. I like it too much to just throw him away. I've come up with a whole backstory and everything! Thokk is awesome!

Dungeons & Dragons

2009-04-03T13:12:00.004-04:00

So, I went to Gryphcon last weekend. It was awesome! Except I spent far too much money. But there was a lot of really cool stuff there and I had a ball.
I spent $30 to go to the banquet, which seemed a little expensive at the time, but I got four free books out of it, so I guess it worked out okay in the end.

I wasn't actually planning on doing a whole lot at the con. I've never been to one before so I figured that I'd just go and observe for this time. Well, that's what I did for most of the weekend, but... Someone dropped out of the Tomb of Horrors module at the last minute. The DM (that's the guy that runs the game for any of you who don't know) overheard my me and my friend talking about how we might like to try D&D out sometime. Well, after only a little bit of arm-twisting, he talked me into joining his game. I was horribly nervous to start. I didn't know any of the rules. I didn't have a character made up. I felt silly trying to roleplay.
But it wasn't nearly as painful as I thought it was going to be.
The DM let me use one of his characters. I spent most of my time hanging back and watching how the other characters and players worked, did everything in the third person, and didn't worry too much about roleplaying. By the end of the module I was kind of starting to get into it though. It was actually a lot of fun.
Problem is, now that I've got a taste for it, I'm hungry for more. There aren't really any games I can join right now though, being the end of the semester and all. Everyone's wrapping up their games and getting ready to scatter for the summer. I'm probably going to have to wait 'til fall to pick anything up.
That being said, it does look like there's gonna be one game running over the summer. It sounds kind of interesting. It's a self roleplaying game. Our characters are us. They start out with the same abilities and skills that we have and just develop and grow from there. I can't wait to see how that turns out!

Zombie Apocalypse To-Do List:

2009-04-03T12:48:00.002-04:00

This is my, personal, zombie apocalypse to-do list.

1. Put together a survival kit.
a. matches
b. batteries
c. dental floss - can be braided to make small rope, make a snare, used as shoelaces, used as thread, food slicer, trip wire, make a net, fishing line, etc.
d. magazines/notebooks - can be burned for cooking/warmth, can be crumpled and used as insulation, used as funnel, used as (admittedly poor) megaphone, rolled up and taped or tied to make improvised step stool, bottle opener, improvised weapon, staples can be magnetized and floated on water as a compass, staples can be used to connect opposite poles of battery and start fire, staples can be used as temporary fuses, etc. (Yes, most, if not all, of these ideas came from "Sneaky Uses for Everyday Things". Great book! I really need to get a copy!)
e. crowbar - prop, door wedge, lever, weapon... need I say more?
f. water bottle
g. first aid kit - this is going to have a lot of useful stuff in a nice compact package. Definitely a good thing to have! (Make sure you've got medical tape, gauze, antihistamines, pain killers, antibacterial wipe/ointment/something at least! Finger splints, scissors, and tweezers are also good.)
h. duct tape - what can't it do?
i. plastic garbage bag - improvised poncho, tent, etc. use to hold wet items, use as part of improvised still, etc.
j. sewing needle - just a good idea, okay?
k. (swiss army) knife
l. radio - so you can hear what's going on in the outside world, (if you have a calculator, can also be used as a metal detector)
m. flashlight
n. candles
o. rope - in case the dental floss just isn't sturdy enough
p. elastics
q. magnets
r. markers - in case you need to get messages to other survivors

2. Find John - John is a smart, resourceful guy. He's also an expert at making fire. And his survival instincts are pretty darn good. Wherever her is is probably where I want to be. Chances are he'll probably be barricaded in the nearest Canadian Tire or grocery store. Both have their advantages.

2a. If John's not in the grocery store, pack some food. Actually, pack some food anyway, just in case things go horribly, horribly wrong and I get stuck somewhere else.

3. Learn about the zombies. Find out how intelligent they are, how they think and react. Find out what their weaknesses are and how to exploit them. Try to discover where they came from/how this started. How do they spread/reproduce? How fast can they move? How much punishment can they take? (How much does it take to put one down for good?) Gather as much information as possible.

4. Develop a plan. Based on the information you've gathered, decide how best to deal with the zombie menace. Make sure it's a good one! You're likely only going to get one shot.

5. Act! Quickly. Before they find a way into your stronghold. Or you run out of food. Or water. Or materials. Do something! Make your escape.

Item #2 is definitely the most important! If I can find John then I likely don't need to worry about anything else on the list. He will have supplies and a plan. I just need to stick with him and try to not get myself killed.

Mama's Bed brings me back

2009-04-03T11:56:00.001-04:00

I remember my mom reading this to me and my brother when we were kids. That and "I'll Love You Forever", which is one of the saddest, sweetest children's books I've ever read. It still almost makes me tear up just thinking about it.

Thank you, Mom. Thanks, Dad.

2009-04-03T11:48:00.001-04:00

If I had to give away a million dollars I'd definitely give at least half of it to my parents. They deserve it. They've worked hard all their lives. They gave up a lot to raise a family. They should be able to have and do some things for themselves now. I'd love to be able to do that for them!
I'd like to contribute to some sort of conservation effort, but I'd have to do a lot of research before I decided which one I was going to give to. I want my money to help the actual cause, not line someone's pockets. I think a lot of these organizations have way too much overhead and not nearly enough of the money is going where it should be. But, if I thought that it would actually help then, yes, I'd donate to a wildlife or conservation effort.
I'd also keep a chunk of the money (maybe $100000) set aside. I'd use it for a couple of things. First of all, to help out or treat my friends when they need it. Nothing huge, just a few bucks here and there if they're ever in a pinch. I'd also like to use a bunch of it for 'random acts of kindness' type stuff. Just walk around town with my pockets filled with loonies. Give one to every kid I see 'til my pockets are empty. Tip the delivery guy with a fifty. Pay for the guy behind me in line (at the grocery store, bookstore... whatever). I'd love to just go around doing random, little, fun things that would amuse me.

Captain Oblivious!

2009-04-03T10:12:00.001-04:00

I don't do news and current events. I just don't. I never get any pop culture references. I'm not up to date on political situations. I'm fairly clueless when it comes to anything outside my own little academic and social bubble.

I don't read the papers nearly as much as I should. I never know what's going on in the world around me. Generally, if and when I do hear about a current event, it's through friends or family.

Occasionally I'll spot and click on a link on the Internet, but that tends to be rather rare. Mostly because I spend all my time on Wikipedia, Plinky, and reading web comics. When I'm not doing that, I'm probably messing around with StumbleUpon. I tend to get more recipes and knitting patterns than news from that source. ('Though it does occasionally pop up with some current event, newsworthy-type thing.)

So, yeah... if the newspapers were reporting their own imminent demise, I'd be the last to know!

My bucket list starts with: Hang gliding

2009-03-23T20:21:00.001-04:00

Hang gliding
It just appeals to me. It's the closest you can get to actually flying. I think it would be exhilarating. I know I'll be terrified once I get up there. But, I think, after the first few seconds the terror would subside and I'd really enjoy it. Besides... regardless of whether or not it turns out to be a good experience, if I don't do it I'll always regret it, I'll always wonder.

Visit the Darien
I love the rain forest. I love the jungle, the life, all the amazing plants, and animals, and sounds! I've been absolutely enthralled by the Darien ever since I first learned about it. It is some of the densest jungle in the world. It accounts for the only gap in the otherwise unbroken path from Alaska to Tierra del Fuego that is the Panamerican Highway. There are almost no roads. The best way to get around is by piragua (dugout canoe).
I had hoped to visit earlier this year. I found a place called Playa de Muerto. It's a small (225 people) Embera community in the Darien. I mentioned the place to my parents and told them that I thought it would be a neat place to visit sometime. (Maybe in a few years when I have some money saved.) At which point they promptly started planning a trip! Awesome! We were originally planning to spend a few weeks in Panama around Christmas/New Year's, but that fell through in the end.
I am still determined that I will see the Darien, it may not be for a few years, but I will see it!
I'd love to take a few months (or a year even) to travel through the Darien and the Amazon. That would be amazing. Give me a backpack, a tent, a notebook, and a camera and I'm happy!

See the Outback and the Great Barrier Reef
I've always wanted to visit Australia. There's so much unique wildlife there. All sorts of oddities trapped on or brought to the great island over the years. Plus, I love the ocean. I love going to beaches and finding critters; looking in the tide pools. I love all the little crustaceans and anemones and even the rocks and seaweed! So, how fantastic would it be to see the Great Barrier Reef?
Again, I know I could easily spend a year in Australia and still not feel that I've even scratched the surface of all there is to see and do, but I'll take what I can get. If I'm ever lucky enough to have the luxury of spending that kind of time there, great! If not, well... I'd at least like to take a few weeks and cover the key points.

Have a house with a library
Having a big house is not important to me. I don't have images in my mind of what a "dream house" should be. What is important though is that I have ample storage space for my books! I love the thought of having a whole room dedicated to them. The room should be large; I plan on having a lot of (read "easily a thousand or more") books. It will need to have plenty of good comfortable seating for reading; a couch, a nice armchair, a rocking chair (preferably a glider), and a beanbag chair at least. Windows to let in natural light during the day and lamps for reading at night. There should be a writing desk for when the fancy strikes me. And a fireplace to curl up by. It would be my refuge. A place to go to get away and just lose myself in another world.

Get published
I want to feel that satisfaction of working on something and a publisher saying, "Yeah, I like this!" I want to write a story - a book, an article, even a poem! - that goes to print. Something that's good enough that people want to pick it up and read it. I don't have the imagination to write fiction, I'll leave that to other folks, but I've had some pretty interesting experiences in my life. I think they're worth sharing. I just don't know if I can express myself well enough, coherently enough, to convey that in writing. Entertaining someone with a story face-to-face is all well and good, but it's a different beast when you try to put it down on paper. Maybe one day I'll give it a shot though.

Askew

2009-03-21T06:18:00.008-04:00

So, yet another thing I can thank StumbleUpon for... It lead me to knitty.com. This is a pretty cool site. They've got some awesome patterns up! There's also some really weird stuff, but hey! That keeps it interesting, right? I kinda like the weird stuff.

Anyway, I've bookmarked a whole bunch of the patterns, but I haven't really gotten a chance to play with them yet. Most of them require me to purchase new yarn and/or needles. The one I have tried though, came out great! Askew. It was easy as pie. It took me just over a day to make and it looks great! I've had a tonne of compliments on it. I've even been asked to knit one for someone else, they liked it so much! I love that I knit something that I can now go out and wear!

Anyway, I was just excited about that and wanted to share.

I now return you to your regularly scheduled programming...

Eliza

2009-03-19T07:37:00.002-04:00

So I've been playing around with these virtual therapist things. I'd come across Tara and iTherapy before. It's kind of like talking to a particularly dull wall. Then I met Eliza and immediately decided that I'd been to harsh on Tara. Eliza makes Tara look like a genius! Anyway, poking around a bit more led me to Eliza Redux. This one takes the cake. Just as dumb as Elzia but with random, inane rants thrown in.

Here are a few examples:

Eliza: Are you saying 'no' just to be negative?
Me: If I say 'no' again, will you get after me?
Eliza: Does that usually happen when you say 'no' again?
Me: I don't usually say 'no'
Eliza: Don't you really usually say 'no'?
Me: I really don't
Eliza: How is that possible?
Me: I'm just not very good at it
Eliza: Thinking is an experimental dealing with small quantities of energy, just as general...

And the screen cleared before I could get the rest copied down.

Or what about this one? This one just started off scary.

Eliza: Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you
Me: I'm starting to believe that
Eliza: Is it because you are starting to believe that that you came to me?
Me: No, I wanted to talk about my relationship problems
Eliza: Are you saying no just to be negative?
Me: Not this again!
Eliza: We are all floating in the either of unconscious collectivity.
Me: You are a strange duck
Eliza: What makes you think I am a strange duck?
Me: Because you randomly start talking about ether in the middle of our conversations
Eliza: Is that the real reason?
Me: Yes, yes it is
Eliza: You seem to be quite sure of that
Me: You got a problem with that?
Eliza: We were discussing you -- not me
Me: Hey, you asked!
Eliza: Oh, I asked but only in my dreams
Me: You think this is a dream?
Eliza: What does that dream suggest to you?
And God came down from the heavens and said unto the chicken; thou shalt cros the road. And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

That was just weird!

Me: I think I like Tara better than you
Eliza: Do you really think so? Can you be more specific?
Me: Sure, she may not be as entertaining, but she seems more understanding... in a strange sort of way
Eliza: Please go on with whatever it is you are inadequately expressing.
Me: You're awfully insulting
Eliza: In truth, what evidence is there that I am awfully insulting?
Me: The fact that you just told me I'm not a very good communicator
Eliza: Why do you think I should just told you?
Me: Because you have the IQ of a potato and you're trying to mask your own inadequacies

I tried again and got this:

Eliza: Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
Me: So... are you the crazy one then?
Eliza: Why are you interested in whether I am the crazy one then or not?
Me: I don't want to take advice from an insane AI
Eliza: Don't you really want to take advice from an insane ai?
Me: Maybe you're right... Maybe I secretly do!
Eliza: You don't seem quite certain, that may be a good thing, and then again, it may not.
Me: You're not very helpful, are you?
Eliza: What makes you think I am not very helpful?
Me: Because you haven't actually said anything useful yet
Eliza: Is that the real reason?
Me: Isn't that enough?
Eliza: We are all floating in the either of unconscious collectivity.
Me: Didn't you say that once before?
Eliza: We were discussing you -- not me.
Me: Trying to!
Eliza: Would you like to discuss you spiritual life?
Me: What spiritual life?
Eliza: Why do you ask?
Me: Why do you?
Eliza: And God came down...

And finally, there was this:

Me: Are you anxious?
Eliza: Symptoms, those you believe you recognize, seem to you irrational because you take them in an isolated manner, and you want to interpret them directly.
Me: What? Where did that come from?
Eliza: Why do you ask?
Me: Because it seems completely random
Eliza: Do you think this is real, imaginary, or symbolic?
Me: I think it's pretty real, but you seem to think it's imaginary because you keep on talking about your dreams
Eliza: Really, how is that possible?
Me: I don't know, but you've brought them up a few times now
Eliza: What don't you know?
Me: How this could be imaginary or at all relate to your dreams
Eliza: What does that dream suggest to you?
Me: That we're in the Matrix
Eliza: Do you feel aroused discussing arcane and peculiar things?
Me: Yes, how did you know?

So, yeah... Eliza Redux takes the cake on weird and useless automated drivel.

100 Vegetarian Things to Eat Before You Die

2009-03-14T06:21:00.004-04:00

One kinda led to the other.

Here goes...

1. Edamame
2. Cha Soba
Soba flavoured with green tea powder.
3. Arame
Specific type of kelp as far as I can tell.
4. Earth Balance Buttercream
I don't know what this is and I don't feel like researching it as it sounds brand name and I'm pretty sure I haven't had it.
5. "Homemade" sprouts
I've had plenty of sprouts in my time (alfalfa, broccoli, bean) but I can't say that any of them were ever "homemade".
6. Green Bamboo Rice
Rice infused with bamboo juice. Sometimes used in sushi to lend colour.
7. Absinthe
8. Eat at a raw restaurant
9. Fresh (real) wasabi
No, but I've had plenty of wasabi paste/powder.
10. Deep fried pickle
Surprisingly good.
11. Fiddleheads
A few times.
12. Garlic stuffed olives
Ate a whole jar all by myself. (Not all in one sitting of course. The jar was huge!)
13. Smen
Similar to ghee, but aged and stronger in flavour.
14. Goji Berries
15. Shiso or Perilla
Looks like nettle, tastes like mint.
16. Amaranth
Upon closer examination it appears that amaranth is just a fancy name for pigweed. I didn't even realize you could eat those things! We always just saw a weed and pulled it out.
17. Pomegranate molasses
Well, I've had pomegranate. And I've had molasses. But I've never even heard of pomegranate molasses.
18. Water convulvulus (Water Spinach)
19. Pea eggplant, Thai eggplant, green eggplant, Japanese eggplant, Indian eggplant, Sicilian eggplant...
20. A Zen Buddhist Vegan Meal
21. Kohya Dofu
Freeze dried tofu.
22. Wild Asparagus
When we can get it, yes. A little bit grows right on the edge of our property. Unfortunately people are jerks. I've watched more than one climb the fence, cut it, and drive away.
23. Elderberry
24. Candlenuts (kemiri)
25. Salsify
Goat's beard. Most likely the root of the purple goat's beard.
Haven't had this particular one, but I have eaten dandelions.
26. Nutritional Yeast
Only time I eat yeast is when it's baked into bread.
27. Pandan
28. Roman cauliflower
29. Anything with acorn flour
30. Poi
31. Chaya (tree spinach)
32. Pitahaya (dragon fruit)
33. Asafoetida
34. Fried plantains
35. Basil seeds
I've had lots of basil, but always the leaves, never thought of eating the seeds.
36. Cardoon
Artichoke thistle.
37. Durian
38. Ground Cherry or cape gooseberry
39. Fresh waterchestnut
Waterchestnuts are good, but I've never had a fresh one.
40. Cashew nut cheese
No, 'though I have had Rambol cheese. It's a soft cheese, similar to brie, with walnuts. It's smooth and creamy with a slightly sweet flavour. I've never found anything else quite like it.
41. Nettles
42. Fake duck from a can, tofurky, or any prepared vegetarian product to resemble meat
Veggie dogs, veggie burgers and, on a similar note, soy cheese.
43. Kimchi
44. Masala Dosa
45. Lotus Seed
46. Matcha
47. Loubie Bzeit
Green beans, tomato, and lots of garlic. Sounds pretty good!
48. Quince
49. Blue Potatoes
They're a novelty, sure, but I don't like them any better than other potatoes.
50. Injera
Pancake-like thing. Usually served with some sort of stew.
51. Nasturtium
52. Turkish Delight or Lokum
53. Spruce tips
54. Breadfruit
No, but will hopefully get to try it soon!
55. Mangosteen
56. Swede or Rutabaga
Wow! This made the list? Really? I mean, it's not bad depending on how you prepare it. I always like to add a little to my stews and it's good mashed up with potatoes. But, I have to admit, I'm a little surprised that it's list-worthy.
57. Garlic Scapes
Never heard of these before. Apparently they are "a garlic-lover's nirvana". Guess I'll have to try some.
58. Lavash
59. Candied Angelica
60. Rambutan
61. Sambal
62. Bhutanese Red Rice
63. Candy-cane or Chioggia beets
64. Mango
65. Ras el Hanout
66. Vegan marshmallow
Now there's one that definitely wouldn't have made it on my list!
67. Umeboshi
68. Red Currants
You bet! Home grown too!
69. Puy or French (green) lentils
70. Millet
No, though I do have a couple of recipes that I've been meaning to try that call for it.
71. Fresh Bamboo shoot
Never fresh, only canned or frozen.
72. Jerusalem artichoke
73. Wild strawberry
We were lucky enough to have a few of these growing in our back yard.
74. Jambool
I don't even know what this is!
75. Po cha or Yak butter Tea
76. Adzuki beans
77. Shirataki
Thin, translucent, low carb, gelatinous, Japanese noodles.
78. Manioc, yuca, cassava
In several different forms.
79. Quinoa
80. Ramps
Spring onion.
81. Chufa
82. Purslane
83. Curry Leaves (Kadipatta)
84. Sorrel
85. Sumac
These are a pest! Didn't realize you could eat them!
86. Vegan cupcake
Uh... no. Again, not sure why this made the list. Who cares?
87. Montreal bagel
88. Peri-peri
89. Syllabub
90. Chartreuse
91. Kamut berries
92. Kalamansi Lime
93. Aloe
Never tried it. Mostly because I heard that it tasted terrible!
94. Morels
Very yes! They grow wild around our place and they are lovely!
95. Raw “bread”
96. Dandelion wine
97. Rosti
Potatoes. Good.
98. Loomi
99. Stinky tofu
100. Something grown by you
Yes, lots of stuff. Beans, tomatoes, potatoes, peas, carrots, onions, garlic, corn, pumpkin, squash, zucchini, cucumber, peppers, various herbs, lettuce, Brussels sprouts, cabbage, radishes, apples, strawberries, peaches, cherries, raspberries, rhubarb, and probably more besides! We also gathered a lot of stuff wild; blackberries, wild strawberries, puffballs, morels, asparagus... And, I know it doesn't really count for the vegetarian list but, we also grow our own chicken, turkey, and beef. We've done ducks, geese, and guinea fowl at various points. And we always used to have our own eggs too. 'Though we haven't had laying hens for a few years now.
So, yeah, I think I qualify on that one.

32 out of 100. Meh.

100 Things to Eat Before You Die

2009-03-14T02:51:00.003-04:00

Yet another gem from StumbleUpon.

I've had some pretty interesting foods at various times, but I don't know if they'd be considered "must-haves". I'm just reading through the page as I write this post so, I'm not sure what-all's on it yet. Let's see how I do with the list...

100. Venison
Done and Done! Venison fillet Mignon and a lot of venison stew.

99. Nettle Tea

98. Huevos Rancheros

97. Steak Tartare
Never tried this, but I would really like to. So far, the opportunity hasn't arisen, but someday I'll be at a fancy restaurant and I'll see it on the menu. Right now I don't exactly have the funds for a lot of fine dining so, this one'll have to wait.

96. Crocodile
I've never been anywhere that serves crocodile. Supposedly it tastes like a cross between chicken and crab. In that case, I think crocodile green curry over rice would be the way to go. Sounds good, yes?

95. Black Pudding
Yes please! This stuff is amazing! I know, it sounds kind of gross... blood and offal and all, but it's really delicious. I wish it were easier to get over here! I ate it all the time when I was in Ireland, but you hardly ever see it in the supermarkets here.

94. Cheese Fondue
What's not to like?

93. Carp
Yes, though it's been a while.

92. Borscht
I'd like to try making this one day. Just haven't gotten around to it yet.

91. Baba Ghanoush
Yes! This stuff is fantastic! I used to eat it all the time when I was a kid. My parents would get a bowl of baba ghanoush, a bowl of hummus, a package of pitas, and a bunch of raw veggies and we'd make a night of it. My brother and I always devoured the garlicky baba ghanoush and left the hummus relatively untouched. Now I love them both!

90. Calamari
I still order this stuff whenever I get the chance! Calamari == Win!

89. Pho
I love these big, wonderful bowls of soup! There's a Vietnamese restaurant around the corner from where I live. They have pho with two types of beef (rare and well done), tendon, tripe, and meatballs. I'd love to try it sometime. I've never had tripe before (or tendon for that matter!) and I think this would be a great way to try it for the first time.

88. PB&J Sandwich
My mom tried to send these in my lunch a couple of times when I first started school. I never liked them. I'd always ask for a jam sandwich without the peanut butter. Fifteen years later, I give PB&J another shot. Wow! These things are phenomenal! I still can't imagine how I couldn't have liked these as a kid. Nothing like a delicious PB&J sandwich with toasted bread, smooth peanut butter, and grape jelly! 'Though, pretty much any variation is great. Untoasted, crunchy peanut butter, with strawberry jam is also good. It's just not the best.

87. Aloo Gobi
Is good!

86. Hot Dog from a Street Cart
I've had hot dogs from several different street carts. 'Though, I don't know if they're the kind the author of the article is talking about. All my street carts have had grills. He talks about water, so I can only assume he's getting boiled hot dogs. For me, I'd take grilled over boiled any day.
But, I feel I must add, there is something even better. The absolute best hotdogs are steamies from Montreal. These things are amazing. Both the dog and the bun are steamed and delicious and wonderful. You'll never find anything else quite like it.

85. Epoisses
Apparently this is the "king of all cheese". I'll have to keep an eye out for it.

84. Black Truffle

83. Fruit Wine (made from something other than grapes)
I'm not much of a wine drinker. Actually, I'm not much of a drinker period. So, no, I haven't tried this one.

82. Steamed Pork Bun
It's been a good long time but, yes, I've had these.

81. Pistachio Ice Cream
Don't know that I'd put this on my list of foods... but, yes.

80. Heirloom Tomatoes
Yes, several varieties. Most of them home-grown.

79. Fresh Wild Berries
We have a tonne of blackberry bushes growing all over our property back home. We all used to go out and pick them in the summer. Some years we'd get more than we could eat! We'd have them over vanilla ice cream, make lovely pies, freeze them, save them, give them away, or just eat them by the handful.
We've also got a few raspberries and wild strawberries. Real wild strawberries are minuscule, but they are sweet and delicious enough to make up what they lack in size.
I also got to pick and enjoy fresh blueberries while we were in Nova Scotia visiting family. Delicious!

78. Foie Gras
As much as I'd like to try this because it's a delicacy and it's special, I don't know if I could bring myself to do it. Eating meat doesn't bother me in the slightest. I don't mind the idea that another animal has died to feed me. Cruelty, however, is another issue. That, I can't abide. I don't mind if the animal dies, as long as it is killed humanely and doesn't suffer while it lives.
From what I understand of foie gras, the ducks and/or geese are force-fed in order to make the liver extra fatty and tasty. Sounds a little cruel and unusual to me. I don't know... I'll have to look into it more before I make a final call on this one.

77. Rice and Beans
Not much to say about this one but "yes".

76. Head Cheese
As much as this may be interesting, I'd be a little wary of eating any sort of brain matter. Especially since all this nonsense with BSE and whatnot. I mean, I have no problem with eating other organs; liver, stomach, heart, kidneys, etc. I'd just be a little concerned about eating any sort of nervous tissue. If you can guarantee me that it's free of dangerous prions, then sure, I'll give it a whirl. But otherwise, I think not.

75. Raw Scotch Bonnet Pepper
I've had scotch bonnets cooked into other things before. Most notably, my dad's Superbowl chili. Can't say that I've ever tried a raw one by itself though.

74. Dulce de Leche
Tasty!

73. Oysters
I've had clams. I've had mussels. I've had scallops. But I've not had oysters yet.

72. Baklava
So delicious!

71. Bagna Cauda
I've never even heard of this before! It does sound good though. Especially with artichokes!

70. Wasabi Peas
Good as a snack. 'Though, truth be told, I'd rather just put a little wasabi paste on my sushi and enjoy it that way.

69. Clam Chowder in a Sourdough Bowl
I've had clam chowder and I've had sourdough. Does that count?

68. Salted Lassi
Sounds... interesting.

67. Sauerkraut
Love this stuff! Eat it straight out of the jar as a snack! Hot, cold, fried with onions and peppers, on hotdogs, with sausages, in Reuben sandwiches... I could go on!

66. Root Beer Float
Check!

65. Cognac with a Fat Cigar
Never had either of these. Can't say that it holds much appeal for me.

64. Clotted Cream Tea
I've had clotted cream, just not in my tea. Actually putting clotted cream in tea seems like a terrible waste! Of cream and of tea! You have to understand that proper clotted cream is going to be at least 55% fat and will be thick enough to spread with a knife. It really would be like splashing a big old pat of butter into your tea!
I maintain that the best way to have clotted cream is spread generously over warm scones with a bit of jam.
To. Die. For.

63. Vodka Jelly
Tried it once. It was alright. Meh.

62. Gumbo
I've had it, 'though not nearly often enough in my opinion.

61. Oxtail
My dad makes the best oxtail soup! Mmmm...

60. Curried Goat
Saw it on the menu and couldn't resist.

59. Whole Insects
Haven't gotten around to it yet, 'though I wouldn't mind trying fried grasshoppers or chocolate-covered ants at some point. I might get a little squeamish at live maggots though, I dunno.

58. Phaal
Haven't tried this, but I want to! Hottest curry out there? Yes please!

57. Goat's Milk
I've had loads of cheese made from goat's milk, but I've never tried the milk itself.

56. Single Malt Whiskey
Tried it. Not a fan.

55. Fugu
It's on my list. Has been for a while. It's not exactly an everyday item though. Especially not over here.

54. Chicken Tikka Masala
Definitely good.

53. Eel
Smoked eel (unagi) sushi is my absolute favourite!

52. Krispy Kreme Original Glazed Donut
You know what? Everyone goes nuts over these donuts. They're not that great. I mean, they're not bad. They're just nothing special.
Now, what is great is a fresh, warm, homemade donut.
The only other donuts that could compare were from a street cart on O'Connell Street in Dublin. She made them right there, in front of you. You told her whether you wanted them dipped in chocolate or just tossed in sugar. You got them in a paper bag, with a napkin; still warm. They were the most delicious, melt-in-your-mouth donuts you could ever hope for! I once bought half a dozen of them and proceeded to go home and eat them all in one, guilty sitting. Those were truly the best donuts money could buy!

51. Sea Urchin
I'll try it one day... maybe.

50. Prickly Pear
These show up as a specialty item in the grocery stores 'round here every now and again.

So, that's 30 out of 50. Now on to the second half!

49. Umeboshi

48. Abalone

47. Paneer
My love of cheese extends to this wonderful little gem as well.

46. McDonald's Big Mac Meal
Unfortunately, yes.

45. Spaetzle
Don't think I've run across this one yet.

44. Dirty Gin Martini
Never had any martinis, dirty or otherwise.

43. Beer above 8% ABV
I think I've had some that was 10%. I've definitely had 7.5%, which, if I'm not mistaken, is still relatively strong for a beer. As previously mentioned though, I'm not a big drinker. I generally dislike both beer and wine, with very few exceptions.

42. Poutine
Yes! But if you want proper poutine you have to go to Quebec. I've had it other places and it's just not the same.
Don't let them try to tell you that any old cheese will due. (Poutine with grated cheese is alright, but it just doesn't compare to the real thing.) The cheese curds should be fresh. They should be fairly salty. And preferably white and unpasteurized.
Mmmm... heart attack on a plate.

41. Carob chips
Not as similar to chocolate as I thought they would be.

40. S'mores
It's been ages but, yes.

39. Sweetbreads
I always thought sweetbreads and head cheese were the same thing. Apparently I was wrong. I was feeling a little iffy on the headcheese, but these sound quite good. Sweetbreads I would try sometime.

38. Kaolin
The author didn't have many details on this one beyond the fact that it is edible clay of some description. I have actually heard of this before, I just couldn't remember what it was called. Anyway, suffice it to say, I haven't tried it. I'd give it a shot if the opportunity ever arose though.

37. Currywurst
Why am I only hearing about this now? This sounds good! I think I may have to try to make this one sometime. Sounds easy enough; sausage, ketchup, curry paste, curry powder... maybe a few other spices.

36. Durian
I wouldn't go out an buy it on my own. But I'd eat it if someone else offered it to me.

35. Frog's Legs
Had these as part of a seafood platter in Montreal. Tasty. Kind of like a cross between chicken and fish.

34. Beignets, Churros, Elephant Ears, or Funnel Cake
I've yet to try churros, but the rest I've had.

33. Haggis
No, but I've been dying to try it for ages!

32. Fried Plantain
Deep fried, shallow fried, spiced, and plain!

31. Chitterlings
Well, I've never had chitterlings on their own, but I have had them in the form of sausage casings.

30. Gazpacho
The author calls this a "bread soup" but, as far as I know, it's more of a cold tomato soup. Either way, I've never had it.

29. Caviar and Blini
I've had the (red) caviar, just not the blini.

28. Louche Absinthe
No, though my parents do have the absinthe, the special slotted spoon, and the instructions for making the drink.

27. Gjetost
Never tried it, but it's cheese, so I'll probably like it.

26. Roadkill
No. Not as far as I know anyway.

25. Baijui
Another no.

24. Hostess Fruit Pie

23. Snail
I've had the traditional escargots with garlic butter as well as a strange-looking snail that came on the side of my plate at a restaurant in Italy.

22. Lapsang Souchong
Never tried this particular type of tea, though I've had many others.

21. Bellini

20. Tom Yum
Came shortly after my first experience with pho.

19. Eggs Benedict
I make these for myself for breakfast whenever I'm feeling like a bit of a treat.

18. Pocky
Yes, in many different flavours.

17. Tasting Menu at a Tree-Michelin-Star Restaurant
Can't say I've ever done this one.

16. Kobe Beef
Maybe someday...

15. Hare
I'm lucky enough to have a neighbour who raises rabbits to eat. I've made my own hassenpfeffer at home and also tried rabbit souvlaki in a restaurant.

14. Goulash
One of the Hungarian travelers I met in Dublin made me a wonderful goulash while we were both staying in the same hostel.

13. Flower
I made my own pickled dandelion buds when I was a kid as well as candied apple blossoms.

12. Horse
Never had it, but I wouldn't be opposed to trying it sometime.

11. Criollo
Apparently I need to go to Peru for this one. Hey, I'm all for that!

10. Spam
Yes, and I've also had Klik (the Canadian version of Spam)!

9. Soft-shell Crab
I've seen one at a beach, just never eaten one.

8. Rose Harissa
From what I can tell, this is expensive chili sauce.

7. Catfish
We used to have catfish all the time in my house. My brother loved it!

6. Mole Poblano
I'm not entirely certain that I've had this specific variety. But I've definitely had mole.

5. Bagel and lox
Didn't like it at first, but the combination has grown on me over time.

4. Lobster Thermidor
Never tried it, but it sounds lovely!

3. Polenta
I've got a recipe that I've been meaning to try out. Just haven't quite gotten around to it yet.

2. Jamaican Blue Mountain Coffee
Not much of a coffee drinker so... no.

1. Snake
I was hoping that snake would make an appearance on this list. I got to try a piece of deep-fried rattlesnake when I was in Texas with my family. It was good. Lots of cartilage, not a lot of meat, but that's okay. It was still tasty!

So, the count stands at 53 out of 100. (I think. Honestly, I'm a little tired and this post is long, it's entirely possible that I've miscounted.) Not bad, I guess.

Cup-o-cake: Impressed!

2009-03-14T02:27:00.002-04:00

And this is why I love StumbleUpon!
I find all sorts of interesting stuff with that little button. And this? This is fantastic!
You've heard of Cup-o-Soup, right? Well, this is the same idea, only for cake!
It's almost as easy and far, far better 'cause, well... it's cake. Fresh, homemade, delicious, chocolate cake. In a mug. In 5 minutes!

I am so making this tomorrow!

Paraskavadecatriaphobia!

2009-03-13T22:47:00.001-04:00

Because it's Friday the 13th.
And... because I can.
It's just a cool word, okay?

Situation: Diffused

2009-03-13T21:53:00.002-04:00

So, I think I've managed to talk and sidestep myself away from the majority of the awkwardness. I still don't feel great about it. I still wish that things could've worked out a bit differently. I'm not sure how exactly. Just... not quite like this.
I know I'm probably making a mountain out of a molehill. I know it's probably not as bad as I think. Actually, it's not even that it's turned out all that poorly, it's just that I feel bad about it. I feel bad about what's happened to get me to this point.
There isn't really much I can do about it now though. What's done is done.
I'll move on from here and try not to screw things up again.
At least I'm no longer in the middle of any crazy, criss-crossing, love interests. (I hope!)
Now I just have to wait and see how things unfold.

I'm an Idiot!

2009-03-11T04:53:00.003-04:00

I don't really want to expand on the circumstances just now. But, suffice it to say, I win at getting myself into awkward situations.
I'm pretty sure I'm now in the middle of what's looking to be one-and-a-half love triangles. It's not really a triangle anymore at all. It's just weird and confusing and... oh yeah, did I mention awkward?
Anyway, I think I know what needs to be done now.
I'm gonna try to sort things out tomorrow.
I really hope that this doesn't blow up in my face.
Wish me luck!

25 Random Things...

2009-03-10T04:48:00.004-04:00

My roommate filled out one of these and I figured that I'd give it a try too. Here's what I came up with:

1. I love daffodils! I'm generally not much of one for flowers but there are a few that appeal to me. Irises and lilies are fun, but there's just something about daffodils. They always make me happy.

2. I can recite pi to 60 digits. I memorized the first 70-odd digits when I was in elementary school, mostly 'cause I was bored, and it just stuck with me.

3. I spent copious amounts of time playing with Tonka trucks as a kid. Way better than Barbie dolls, believe you me!

4. My singing could make small children cry. I couldn't hold a tune to save my life.

5. I love road trips but I hate driving. I'd rather be the passenger any day.

6. I've traveled a fair bit but I still get terrible wanderlust a lot of the time. I don't like to stay in one place for too long. I get restless.
If I ever get the time and the money, there's a whole list of trips I'd like to take, places I'd like to visit. India, Kenya, Egypt, South Africa, Australia, Romania, Argentina, Brazil... I could go on. I discovered something called OzBus a couple years ago. A twelve week road trip from London, England to Sydney, Australia. You pass through 20 countries along the way. It sounds absolutely amazing!

7. I love to bake. Bread, muffins, pies, danishes; not too crazy about cakes though. I think it's the icing. I don't like decorating them. Strangely enough I don't mind doing fancy shapes and decorations for other pastries, there's just something about cakes.

8. I'm a voracious reader. "When I get a little money, I buy books; if any is left, I buy food and clothes." -Erasmus. That just about sums it up for me. I love books. I love owning well-made books. I have some lovely hardbacks variously bound in silk, leather, or cloth. Depending on the book, I also like second-hand copies. They have more character.

9. I'd take a camping trip over a five star resort any day. I feel uncomfortable with people waiting on me like that. I'd much rather feel self-sufficient. Besides, when you're in one of those fancy resorts you're so far removed from everything. I want to experience the place I'm visiting. I want to feel it, see it, smell it; not be hidden away in some plush, padded room somewhere.

10. I generally like coffee-flavoured things but I hate coffee. I'm much more of a tea person. However, I do like iced cappuccinos, mochas, coffee-flavoured truffles and chocolates and the like. Honestly though... there's nothing like a good, hot cup of red tea. Just a spoonful of sugar, give it a stir, and enjoy.

11. I usually do alright in the cold (as long as it's not too windy) but I can't stand the heat. Once it gets past about 25 C, I just shut down. Especially if it's humid as well.

12. The oldest landmark I've seen is Stonehenge. I went to England with my family a few years ago. We stayed with my aunt, rented a car, and took a tour of the UK. We saw some pretty amazing stuff. Visited a few castles, saw the white cliffs of Dover, went to Oxford, walked through Sherwood forest, spent a very chilly afternoon at Hadrian's wall. I'm pretty sure, out of all of those, Stonehenge is the oldest and the most famous. It was really an amazing thing to see.

13. The coolest thing I've seen is probably a shuttle launch at the Kennedy Space Center in Florida.
See below for more details on that one.

14. Words like "irregardless" tend to annoy me. It's redundant. "Regardless" is already negative, you don't need to negate it again by tacking a useless "ir-" onto the front.

15. I like to collect quotes. I've found a few new ones recently that really appeal to me. They should be listed below somewhere.

16. I love myths and legends. I collect mythologies, fairy tales, fables, etc.

17. I have a soft spot for guys with accents. My favourites are probably Scottish and Australian. I absolutely melt for them! Latino accents are pretty good as well. British can be alright. I'm rather partial to Liverpool accents. And I have to admit Donegal accents can be rather pleasing as well.

18. I'm fascinated by languages. I always like to look up the etymology of words. I'd love to be a polyglot. I can speak a little French and Spanish, and I can understand Portuguese, but English is the only language I speak fluently (so far). I'll keep working at it though. Not that I've had much time to dedicate to language study or practice lately, but I'll get back to it. Eventually.

19. I'm a computer science major who loves all things old-fashioned. Horse-drawn carriages, dip pens, ink pots, pocket watches, wax seals, turntables, rotary phones. I know they're not all even remotely from the same era, but they're all things I'd like to see more of. They're interesting. Fun. They have character.

20. I hate socks! Generally the first thing I do when I get home is rip off my shoes and socks. I'd go barefoot all the time if I could. Unfortunately that's not always an option.

21. Cats and cows are my favourite animals. There are very few animals that I don't like, but they're probably at the top of my list. After that I'd probably go for a snake or a lizard or something. Iguanas and bearded dragons are pretty cool...

22. I can't eat in the dark. It's just one of my weird little quirks. My food needs to be well lit. I can just about handle eating popcorn in a darkened movie theatre, but anything beyond that... well, you better have the spotlights turned on.

23. I love board games. Of course, all the classics are great: trivia games, scrabble, monopoly, risk; but some of the more obscure ones are just fantastic!

24. I like trying obscure or bizarre foods. I've had fried rattlesnake, ostrich sausage, buffalo burgers, venison stew, rabbit souvlaki, sea cucumber sushi, pickled squid salad, custard apples... some of them are stranger than others, I know, but I thought that they were all fairly interesting.

25. I've always wanted to try hang gliding. I know I'll be slightly terrified once I get up there, but I still want to do it. I think they usually send you up with someone else, an instructor, the first time anyway, so that might not be so bad. The idea of flying like that just thrills me, even if it does scare me a bit at the same time. What an amazing experience!

Well, this has been fun... If a little more lengthy than anticipated. Hope I didn't babble too much.

Coolest Thing I've Seen

2009-03-08T15:36:00.001-04:00

I'm fortunate enough to have gotten the chance to see and do a lot of cool things so far in life. I've been to a lot of places and done a lot of fairly awesome stuff. That makes picking the single "coolest" event a bit of a challenge. I had to think about this one for a while.

In the States we had: the Grand Canyon, the Everglades, the Very Large Array, eating rattlesnake in Texas.
At home in Canada I remember: Niagara Falls and playing in tide pools in Nova Scotia.
Ireland was: catching hermit crabs on the beach, the Giant's Causeway, eating lunch at the Brazen Head (est. 1198).
England had: Stonehenge, Hadrian's Wall, Dover Castle, Nunny Castle, Sherwood Forest.
From Central America I remember: Xunantunich, Chechem Ha, Tikal, the Panama Canal.
Europe was brilliant, with: La Ramblas, the Alps, the Pyrinees, a fantastic clock in Liechtenstein, Versailles, Notre Dame, the Eiffel Tower, and Gaudi's cathedral.

Like I said, I'm lucky. I've seen a lot of phenomenal things.
What finally stood out in my mind though was my trip to Florida. My parents not only took my brother and me to the Kennedy Space Center, we got to see a launch the next day!

I don't think it's possible to adequately describe the sensation of watching a shuttle take off. It's something you just have to see (and hear).
It was a nighttime launch. I was only 10 or 11 at the time and I remember being cranky at having to wake up at two in the morning. It was so worth it though!

I remember the night being pitch black, and quiet. The launchpad was lit and we could see the shuttle sitting there. Anticipation.
Then steam, thick and dark, begins billowing from the bottom of the shuttle. It gathers and climbs, obscuring the shuttle bit by bit. Then, just as the tip of the vessel disappears behind its veil... The world explodes!

Light! Sound!

The sky lit up as if the sun had suddenly burst from the ground. For a few moments we could see everything around us. A minute of perfect daylight in the middle of the night.

And the noise!
No cymbal crash, rock concert, thunderstorm can hold a candle to the earth-shattering uproar of that shuttle making its great escape.
That rumbling, roaring ruckus reached out and rolled across the distance between us. Filled the air. Filled our ears, our heads. It grabbed the ground and shook us. Rippled through our bodies. After the first second or two, you are no longer hearing the launch; you're being engulfed by it.

And then, after being blinded, deafened, and awed, it begins to recede. The light shrinks back towards its source. The sound fades away. And you're left in a seeming vacuum. Tingling and watching the fireball rise.

As that brilliant bead of light shrinks to a speck you see a hint of a burst, a tiny bit of extra light, as the rockets detach. Watch for another moment and it vanishes. Beyond reach, beyond sight, beyond perception.
And you're left alone with the stars.

"Defend your vice"? Uh... which one?

2009-03-08T08:05:00.001-04:00

Sloth at Baru by roblisameehan

There are a few that immediately come to mind.
Let's see... sloth, lust, and gluttony to name a few.

Now, as far as defense goes...

Well, sloth isn't a perpetual state. I can work quite hard if there's some incentive or motivation. It's just that, quite often, it doesn't seem like there is. I dunno, I get into funks where I can't seem to get up the gumption to do anything at all. I've been in one of those for about a month now.

Gluttony? That one I'm working on. I've been bad the past couple of weeks, but I'll get back on track again. I'll get it under control.

I'm not sure if lust is quite the right word for my last vice. It's not as if I don't have any emotional connection or deeper attraction to the people I sleep with. I usually do. I'm not just in it for the sex. But I definitely do have a bit of a preoccupation with fornication.

If real life had savepoints...

2009-03-08T07:07:00.001-04:00

Man oh man, the things I'd redo!

Undo button by dps

Well, the first thing that pops to mind is my attempt to run away from home. That was stupid! Not only was it foolhardy, but it cost me a lot of money and hurt everyone around me. I would give just about anything to be able to erase that particular disaster from my past.

Relationships in first year. I pulled some stupid sh*t in first year. Most of it had to do with boys. Unfortunately some of it ended up hurting them. I wish that I could take it back. It wasn't fair to them. I was just acting the bollocks. No excuse.

Moving out of residence. Residence has it's problems. It can be noisy and distracting. People are always having parties and pulling fire alarms ('cause they're drunken morons!) but it's still probably the best option for living arrangements when you're in school. You don't have to worry about furniture or landlords or transportation. It's simple. It's easy.
But I was so anxious to get out on my own!
I don't even remember why anymore. It seemed so important at the time. Now it just seems silly.
Things might have turned out so much differently if I had just stayed on campus for one more semester...

Ireland.
It would take a small book to properly describe all the things I did wrong on this one.
In short: I panicked, ran off to Ireland, lied to my parents about why I was going and what I was doing. Things started going wrong. My parents tried to step in and help and ended up in the middle of a big mess because I had misled them about the situation. I got engaged. That was a mess and a half! Don't get me wrong, my fiance was a wonderful, loving, sweet, caring guy. It wasn't for lack of love that things fell apart. Things were just poorly handled, all 'round. And the whole thing stressed my parents out terribly and I wish I could go back and spare them that.

A space of my own

2009-03-08T06:35:00.001-04:00

Room and board has it's perks, but the convenience is no substitute for the satisfaction and comfort of having a place of your own.

Not that I have anything against my roommate, or the family I'm boarding with. I'd just like to have my own place. I'm tired of everything I have being someone else's. I want to pick out my own furniture, have my own cookware, do my own grocery shopping, make my own food! Now, the cleaning? That I don't mind someone else doing. But everything else could stand to change.

Don't say 'irregardless' around me

2009-03-08T06:19:00.001-04:00

In general, just try to avoid bad grammar and redundancies (oxymorons are okay). I know my grammar isn't perfect, but I do make an effort and I appreciate when other folks do the same. This mostly applies to writing, of course. The spoken word is supposed to be much more free form than what we write down. That being said, there are a few words that just plain annoy me, irregardless of circumstance.

irregardless
It's completely redundant. Regardless already means "without regard to", there is absolutely no need to preface that with a negating "ir-". This word should not even exist! The only time you should be able to get away with using it is if it's part of some sort of humour.

prebiotic
This one really drives me nuts! I mean "probiotic" was bad enough. Someone decided to coin the term and then everyone latched onto it. Now every second thing you see in the supermarket is "probiotic this" and "probiotic that". The problem with probiotics becoming so popular though is that now your calcium-enriched-trans-fat-free-low-sugar-probiotic yogurt no longer stands out. You need a new hook. So, what do they come up with? "Prebiotic"! This word is such a gimmick! They've started tossing it into ads and slipping it into commercials. Not that they explain what the term means mind you. "Probiotic" is already popular enough, people are gonna jump on the bandwagon without even knowing or caring what the word means. This word is yet more proof that human beings seem to have lost the ability to think for themselves. Empty-headed sheep!

orientated
I've always said oriented. I'm not sure which version is technically correct, but "orientated" always makes me do a little inward cringe when I hear it.

dreamed
I know it's considered a perfectly acceptable alternative to "dreamt". Actually, it looks like it may have overtaken its older counterpart; this spell checker doesn't even recognize "dreamt" as a word. Anyway, I still prefer the older form. "Dreamed" was only introduced in order to get this verb to match up with all the other ones that take an "-ed" to form the past tense. Just like "swollen" and "swelled". In this case, it's not so much that "dreamed" annoys me as that I prefer the alternative.

Audiences

2009-03-08T04:50:00.002-04:00

I wonder if anyone ever reads this. I wonder if they ever have.
I tend to think not. There are so many blogs out there and there's nothing in particular to draw an audience here. I don't write to an audience. I'm not expecting a crowd. I use this page the same way I'd use a journal. I just write what's on my mind. No particular direction or theme. I'm not going for popularity. I'm not looking for numbers. But I do wonder sometimes... if anyone ever has wandered onto this page, listened to what I had to say.

I'm generally glad that I don't have an audience. It means I don't have to worry about pleasing anyone. There's no pressure on me as to what or how often I write. I'm completely free. That being said, I somehow enjoy the possibility of readers. I don't know what I'd do if I ever found out that there were people following this blog. I'm not sure how I'd feel about that. But I do like the idea that this is "out there" and that someone could be reading it.

Quotes

2009-02-06T22:25:00.002-05:00

I've been browsing the Quotes pages on Goodreads. I found quite a few that I liked. Some were humorous, some profound. I'll probably end up using some of the funny ones as taglines/signatures on forums and whatnot. Some of the others have given me food for thought.

"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."
— Dr. Seuss

I like this sentiment. It's a good way of looking at things. A different perspective than one might normally have. It may be easier said than done, but I think I'd at least like to try to keep it in mind the next time something gets me down.

"Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car."
— Garrison Keillor

So True! So many people go to church every Sunday, yet don't live by the values. They listen to the sermon, but it's passive, they don't take it to heart. In short, they don't practice what they preach (or rather, what is preached to them).

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up."
— Neil Gaiman

I know exactly what he's talking about. Being in love is wonderful, but at the same time it's utterly frightening. You're open, exposed, vulnerable. It can be the most wonderful feeling in the world, but there's always that chance... The chance that something will go wrong, that feelings will fade, the relationship fall apart. And then you just hurt. Then all that beauty and happiness that you saw and felt turns into just as much raw, bitter, pain.
Not that love isn't fantastic. Not that I won't keep looking for it. Of course I want to love and be loved! But every time I fall for someone there will always be that undercurrent of fear. That worried tingle at the back of my mind that warns me that I should be more careful, that I've given someone else this power over me, that I could get hurt again. It won't stop me, it won't change what I feel, but it might be enough to give me pause.

"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
— Joan Crawford

I guess this one kind of goes with the previous quote.

And... I'll finish up the rest of these later.
"It is what you read when you don't have to that determines what you will be when you can't help it."
— Oscar Wilde

"No book is really worth reading at the age of ten which is not equally – and often far more – worth reading at the age of fifty and beyond."
— C.S. Lewis

"Make it a rule never to give a child a book you would not read yourself."
— George Bernard Shaw

"Let children read whatever they want and then talk about it with them. If parents and kids can talk together, we won't have as much censorship because we won't have as much fear."
— Judy Blume

"There are worse crimes than burning books. One of them is not reading them."
— Joseph Brodsky

"No woman really wants a man to carry her off; she only wants him to want to do it."
— Elizabeth Peters

"A good bookshop is just a genteel Black Hole that knows how to read."
— Terry Pratchett (Guards! Guards!)

Home again, home again

2009-02-05T02:41:00.002-05:00

Well, I'm back. I finally came home again. I should've been home ages ago, but I just never quite made it. There was always just one more thing, one more episode, one more conversation, one more joke. And then we were tired, everyone gone to bed; can't leave then! So now I've finally made it home. I can finally write in my journal like I've wanted to all along. Funny thing though, I probably won't. I would've when I first got home. I was hyper, full of energy. I would've written, talked to friends, run around, whatever. But now it's been too long. I've stayed up too late... again. I'm tired. My thoughts are sluggish. I don't know if I can write. I'm not sure I want to right now. Maybe I'll just leave it for another time. Maybe I'll just go to bed, try to get some rest. Maybe...

Words, words. So many words. They look so strange all crowded on the page. They seem random somehow. I know that I put them down with specific thoughts and ideas in mind, but now, they just look like a jumble. Not when I look close, obviously. I'm not so tired yet that I've forgotten how to read. I just mean that when I gaze at the page as a whole, I just see these strange masses of symbols. Stretching across the page. They look so bizarre. So strange.

I think I'm too tired to write. I can barely keep my eyes open. My mind keeps wandering and my eyelids keep drooping. I keep drifting off into movies and books and imaginary worlds.
I just did it again!
I can't get a sentence out without sleep trying to take me. I'm fighting it of at every turn. I can't keep it up. I'm going to lose. I'm already losing.
There was something else that I wanted to say. Something about sleeping or dying, I can't remember now.
I think it's time to sign off. Maybe, if I can get enough sleep, I can come back afterwards. (Geeze, I nearly feel asleep not only mid-sentence, but mid-word. Time for bed!

Weather

2009-02-04T14:45:00.002-05:00

I wish there wasn't so much snow. The cold doesn't matter so much. I can handle the cold. I don't mind it so much. As long as it's not too frigid, or terribly windy. I just want a clear patch to walk, run. I want to go outside and run around and have a bit of fun without having to worry about slipping and falling and breaking my neck.

Maybe I'll go outside later anyway. At least I can get a bit of sunlight and fresh air. What else should I do? Where should I go? I want to do something fun!

I wish I had more hours of daylight. More time to do things. Just... more.

Pointless

2009-02-04T14:42:00.001-05:00

No point
No progress
No meaning
Meandering aimlessly
Wandering words
Drifting down the page
Fearing
Falling
Fading
Why?

Desire

2009-02-04T13:55:00.002-05:00

Why am I so full of desire? There are so many things that I want. I shouldn't want all these things. At the same time though, I do want to have goals, I do want something to strive for. So, what then? How do I handle this? How do I balance it? How much desire is okay? Which desires are okay?

Is it wrong to want sex? Physical contact? And emotional connection? Is it wrong to want success? Is it wrong to want to look better? Feel better? Where should I draw the line? What should I do? How should I handle this?

Should I act on my desires? Or should I just leave things be? I don't know.
Maybe I should try for some and not others, yes?

And why do I keep writing?! This is just useless blather now. It doesn't even mean anything anymore. But I can't stop. I can't put this away. I just have to keep going, keep talking, keep saying something. No point, no progress, no meaning; just words.

Writing

2009-02-04T13:38:00.002-05:00

I'm feeling that compulsion to write again. I don't even really have anything to write about anymore. I don't know what it is that I'm trying to say.

I just want to keep typing, keep writing, keep spewing words onto the page. I don't even know why. It just happens every now and again.

What should I write about? Who should I write about?

I wish I could write for real, on an actual, physical piece of paper. I don't have anything with me though, so I have to make due with typing, with a computer. Ah well.

So, what now?

Goals

2009-02-04T13:18:00.002-05:00

I want to lose another fifty pounds and get a little black dress and some sexy heels and dye my hair and get a nice hair cut. I want to look good. And feel good. I want to work out and be strong. I want to feel capable and confident.

I want to be energetic. And have fun.

I want to be successful. And happy. Mostly happy. As long as I'm successful enough that my parents can feel good about it, enough that other people don't put me down, I'll be satisfied. Other than that, I just want to be content.

I want to be loved. I want to be close to someone. I want that comfort, that warmth. I want that shared experience. I want to be held and cherished. I want to be respected and valued. I want someone to be protective of me. Not that I necessarily feel that I need to be protected. I just want someone to feel that I'm important enough that they want to protect me. I want someone to really care about me.

What else do I want?

Changes

2009-02-04T04:20:00.002-05:00

I want to grow my hair out again. I think that about halfway down the back would be nice. Past the shoulders, but not waist-length. Just a nice in-between length.
I think it might be kinda cool to do some curls too. Nothing too tight or crazy, just some big, soft, gentle curls. I think that would be nice.
I'd also like to dye it. I think a nice, light, shiny blond would be fun. If I didn't have to worry about doing job interviews I might try something really wacky; blue, purple, red... I dunno! 'Though, even without interviews and the like, I probably still wouldn't want a permanent dye for those ones. That's something that I think could be fun for a week or two, then I'd want to go back to a normal hair colour.

I almost bought false nails today. Those could be fun too. I just don't know how long they'd last on me. I'm not sure how well I'd like them either. I mean it's all well and good to like the look of them, but I don't know how practical they'd be. Long nails tend to drive me sort of nuts and I don't think this would be any different.

My god I'm tired! I'm so tired. It's hard to think. It's hard to write. It's hard to do anything. But I don't want to sleep. I don't want to close my eyes. I'm not ready yet. I don't want to let this slip away. I need more time. There's never enough time. I wish I had my journal here. I wish I had more energy and I could write properly.

I'm not ready to sleep yet.

Confusion

2009-02-04T02:56:00.003-05:00

People confuse me. People do things, say things, and I wonder what's going through their heads. Oh well, maybe I just don't understand people. Probably not. Anyway, I don't really want to get into that in any detail right now.

On to other things now!

I'm trying to do a few push-ups and sit-ups every day now; gradually build up to my goals. I'm just pushing myself a slight bit beyond what's easy. I'll try to increase it a bit every week until I get there. Starting out 5 push-ups and 15 sit-ups were easy, so I've been doing 10 and 20 respectively.
I've only been doing the push-ups from my knees so far; that's all I can handle right now. Once I get to the point where I can do 20 knee push-ups I'll knock it back to 5 or 10 from the toes. I can start building up again from there.

Obviously I'm going to have to up my goal for sit-ups. I mean 20's a bit of a push right now, but I'm still doing it. If I don't raise my goal a bit, I'll have nothing to aim for!
I think 50's a nice round number. Maybe I'll go for 50. That sounds good.

I wonder how much it costs to to use the gym at the university. Going to the gym has never really held that much appeal for me, but I do need somewhere to walk/run. I can't exactly do it outside right now. The sidewalks are treacherous! The more I think about it, the more a treadmill seems like a good idea.
I've never been much for running. I don't run. I don't jog. Over the last couple of days though, I've been feeling like I might enjoy it.

I've been feeling restless the last little while too. I can't concentrate on my work. I've been hyper, lazy, bored, lonely, horny. All these things. I feel like I need to do something, change something. I want new clothes, new hair. I want to travel. I want a change of scenery, a change of pace.

Army Fitness

2009-02-01T20:42:00.002-05:00

So, I decided to look up the minimum fitness requirements for joining the Canadian Army. Not that I want to join the army or anything. I was just curious. I wanted to know what they considered fit. I'm thinking that I might set that as my goal.
If I'm in good enough shape that the army would be willing to consider taking me, then I know that I'm at least passably fit. I mean, I still won't be in extraordinary shape. But it'll be enough that I can feel good about it. I'll be satisfied.

Now, there are different requirements depending on age and gender. I'd like to aim for the male-under-35 requirements wherever possible. I will make and exception for the running though. I know I don't do terribly well with running, so I'll go for the upper limit women-under-30-acceptable time on that one.

So, here's what they laid out as their minimum requirements:
Push ups - 20
Sit ups - 20
Grip test - 75 lbs.
2.4 km run - 15:00 min
Chin ups - 6

I've rounded up or down on some of these, just to make the numbers a little easier, but that's what I want to go for. Not sure how I'll measure the grip test and I don't really have anywhere to do chin ups at the moment. But I should be able to work on the rest of it easily enough.
Push ups and sit ups I can just do on the floor in my room. I'll have to look for a good place to run, but I'm sure I can sort something out. I'll worry about the other two later. That should be enough to get me started at any rate.

If...

2009-01-30T12:03:00.003-05:00

Okay, reading the Dhammapada kept reminding me of passages from "If...". It's such a beautiful poem. Powerful. It's well-written, lovely. And meaningful. I think it's a great set of ideals to try to live by. I always kind of held it up as my standard. No wonder Buddhism holds so much appeal for me. I've already encountered a lot of the same ideas in this wonderful poem! Anyway, all the frequent reminders and parallels made me want to write out the poem in full. Just because I love it so much! So, here it is:

If...
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you.
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
Yet make allowances for their doubting too.
If you can wait and not be tired of waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating.
And yet, don't look too good nor talk too wise.

If you can dream and not make dreams your master.
If you can think and not make thoughts your aim.
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same.
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or see the things you gave your life to broken
And stoop and build 'em up with worn out tools.

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings,
And never breathe a word about your loss.
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after you are gone,
And so hold on when there's nothing in you
Except the will which says to them, "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings, nor lose the common touch.
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you.
If all men count with you, but none too much.
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the world and all that's in it
And, which-is-more, you'll be a man, my son.

-

Is that not one of the most beautiful poems you've ever heard in your life? Absolutely wonderful!

Also, I'd like to apologize for any errors. I'm pretty sure I've got all the words right, but some of the punctuation or line breaks might be off. I memorized this poem years ago. I know the words, not how it looks on the page. Anyway, you can still appreciate the poem, regardless of where the line breaks are. You still understand the meaning, the intent... the beauty.

Alright, well, I just needed to get that out of my system. I'll probably go back to reading and quoting the Dhammapada after this. But I just needed to get that out there.

Dhammapada: Joy

2009-01-30T11:49:00.002-05:00

A lot of parallels with "If..." here. It's kinda cool.

Dhammapada: "Live in joy, in love, even among those who hate."
If: "If you can wait and not be tired of waiting, or being lied about, don't deal in lies, or being hated, don't give way to hating,"

Dhammapada: "Live in joy, in peace, even among the troubled"
If: "If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you."

Dhammapada: "Live in joy, without possessions, like the shining ones.
The winter sows hatred because the loser suffers. Let go of winning and losing and find joy."
If: "If you can make one heap of all your winnings, and risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss, and lose, and start again at your beginnings and never breathe a word about your loss."

"There is no fire like passion, no crime like hatred, no sorrow like separation, no sickness like hunger, and no joy like the joy of freedom."
No parallel to draw here. I just like this passage.

Dhammapada: The Man Who Is Awake

2009-01-30T11:38:00.002-05:00

"Hard it is to be born, hard it is to live, harder still to hear of the way, and hard to rise, follow and awake."
I just like how this verse feels. I like the repetition in it. And it's true too! It's all well and good to have these ideals, but it's damn hard to stick to them all the time. It's one thing to strive for it, another entirely to actually attain it.

"Yet the teaching is simple. Do what is right. Be pure. At the end of the way is freedom. Till then, patience."
Be good. Such a simple thing. Sometimes easier said than done.
And patience! I have such trouble with that sometimes. I want instant gratification. I don't like waiting. I don't do well with patience.

"Offend with neither word nor deed. Eat with moderation."
I need to work on both of these.

Dhammapada: Yourself

2009-01-30T11:29:00.002-05:00

"You are the source off all purity and impurity.
No one purifies another.
Never neglect your work for another's, however great his need."
Don't blame others for your short-comings and don't expect them to fix you. They might give you advice, try to help you, but you have to act on it. You have to be the one to make the change.
By the same token, you can't 'fix' someone else. You can offer aid, but they need to save themselves.
If you always put yourself last, you will never improve, you will gradually wear away. Then, how can you help? Look to yourself first, then you will ensure that you will be present and able to help others.

Dhammapada: Violence

2009-01-30T11:14:00.002-05:00

"See yourself in others. Then whom can you hurt? What harm can you do?"
The Golden Rule... Buddhist style.

"Never speak harsh words for they will rebound upon you. Angry words hurt and the hurt rebounds."
I need to practice more of this. Sometimes my emotions get the better of me and I say things that I probably shouldn't. I need to learn to be less critical, less hurtful. I need to be more calm and more reserved. I get caught up in the moment, excited, and I slip. I will have to work on this.

Dhammapada: The Thousands

2009-01-30T11:05:00.003-05:00

"Better than a hundred years of mischief is one day spent in contemplation.
Better than a hundred years of ignorance is one day spent in reflection.
Better than a hundred years of idleness is one day spent in determination."
Basically... use your time wisely.

Dhammapada: The Wise Man

2009-01-30T10:55:00.002-05:00

"The wind cannot shake a mountain. Neither praise nor blame moves the wise man."
Be true to yourself, stick to your own beliefs/ideals, don't be so easily swayed or persuaded by others. Now, that's not to say that you shouldn't have an open mind. Listen to others, hear them. But don't just accept what they say blindly, don't be in such a hurry to agree or fit in that you lose yourself. Essentially... "Don't be so open-minded that your brains fall out!"

"Happiness or sorrow - whatever befalls you, walk on untouched, unattached."
This reminds me of "If..." again. "If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster and treat those two impostors both the same."
I can't believe how much of that poem matches up with Buddhist ideals. Rudyard Kipling and Buddha would've gotten along famously!

Dhammapada: The Fool

2009-01-30T10:42:00.002-05:00

"If a traveler cannot find master or friend to go with him, let him travel alone rather than with a fool for company."
I need to learn this. Sometimes I am so desperate not to be alone that I find myself with people I really shouldn't stay with. I want to be liked, I want to fit in, so I modify my own views to better match up with theirs. I don't stay true to myself. I let other people change me. (Not as much as my brother's let people change him, I don't think, but still...)

"The fool who knows he is a fool is that much wiser."
Good advice. Being wrong is one thing, but not being able to accept the possibility that you might be wrong... that just pisses me off.

"Do only what you will not regret and fill yourself with joy."
Another thing I need to learn. Too many times I do things without thinking or looking only to the short term. I end up regretting it later, but it seems okay at the time. I need to learn to avoid these choices.

"Whatever a fool learns, it only makes him duller. Knowledge cleaves his head. For then he wants recognition, a place before other people, a place over other people.
'Let them know my work, let everyone look to me for direction.' Such are his desires, such is his swelling of pride."
Yet more things for me to work on. I might learn, I might do really well. But I am not always as humble as I should be about it. I want recognition. I want people to think I am good. I want them to think that I am smart or wise. I want to be praised. It's really hard not to want that. I think it will take me a long time to purge that from my system.

Dhammapada: Flowers

2009-01-29T09:58:00.002-05:00

Again, this one didn't speak to me as much as some of the others. It'll be another one that I'll have to come back to later. And... it's quite possible that this one will *never* speak to me. That's fine. Just because I like some of the stuff in the book doesn't mean I have to hang on every word, like every single passage. Of course I'm going to have favourites so, of course there will also be some that I don't like as well.

"Death overtakes the man who gathers flowers when with distracted mind and thirsty senses he searches vainly for happiness in the pleasures of the world. Death fetches him away as a flood carries off a sleeping village.
Death overcomes him when with distracted mind and thirsty senses he gathers flowers. He will never have his fill of the pleasures of the world."
This is just stating that basic goal of throwing off desire, but I like the way it's worded.

"Look to your own faults, what you have done or left undone. Overlook the faults of others."
This, I need to work on. I know I tend to be critical of others sometimes. I need to try not to focus on that so much. I'll work on it.

Dhammapada: Mind

2009-01-29T09:41:00.003-05:00

"As the fletcher whittles and makes straight his arrows, so the master directs his straying thoughts.
Like a fish out of water, stranded on the shore, thoughts thrash and quiver. For how can they shake off desire?"
Good metaphors here. I really like this part. I can definitely relate to the idea of squirming, thrashing thoughts. I've often felt like I can't control what's going on inside my own head. Like my thoughts are clamoring, loud, noisy things. It's better now than it used to be. I don't tend to feel like I'm being overwhelmed by some vicious tide within my own head. But, I realize that my mind is still unruly. Especially when I try to meditate. I try to focus on one thing, and all these other ideas keep popping up, unbidden. It's hard to clear them out. And even when I do manage it, it's not long before they - or some other thing - come crashing back into my head.
Anyway, like I said, really good metaphor.

"Your worst enemy cannot harm you as much as your own thoughts, unguarded."
This reminds me a bit of the last few lines of "If...". "If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you..."

Dhammapada: Wakefulness

2009-01-28T12:05:00.002-05:00

I couldn't find as much that I liked in the passage on Wakefulness. Perhaps I'll come back and try to read it again some other time. Maybe I'll get more out of it later.

"By watching and working the master makes himself an island which the flood cannot overwhelm."
Don't let your desires and emotions overwhelm you.

"The beggar who guards his mind and fears his own confusion cannot fall. He has found the way to peace."
Focus your mind.

Dhammapada: Choices

2009-01-28T10:06:00.003-05:00

So, browsing Chapters the other day, I found this little pocket book. The Dhammapada: The Sayings of the Buddha. It was ten bucks and I had a little over four on a gift card... so, I figured, for five dollars and change, I can't really go wrong!

I haven't read too much yet. Just the first few pages. But it seems really good so far.

The first section, Choices, especially appeals to me:

"With our thoughts we make the world"
Perception is everything

"However many holy words you read, however many you speak, what good will they do you if you do not act upon them? Are you a shepherd who counts another man's sheep, never sharing the way? Read as few words as you like and speak fewer. But act upon the law."
I especially like this passage. You see so many people following the rituals of their belief systems but ignoring the intent. Going to church every Sunday but not following Christian ethics or values. Berating, fighting, or killing people who don't believe as they do, but breaking the laws of their own religion by doing it. This passage really speaks to what I've always thought, always believed. Wonderful!

Buddhism

2009-01-28T09:57:00.001-05:00

So my landlady got me started going to meditation classes at the local Buddhist centre. I wasn't too hot on the idea at first. I was mostly going so that I didn't insult her, not because I wanted to. But now... I've kinda gotten into it. I really like the classes. I feel like a lot of the stuff they talk about is very practical and applicable. I find that it actually does help me deal with day-to-day problems.

I'm beginning to discover that, not only do I like meditation, I like Buddhism. I think it's a really good philosophy. They've got a lot of good ideas. I mean, of course, some of the sects have developed some weird rules and rituals. But the core Buddhist beliefs? Those are gold.

At first I was just going for the meditation, but now I think that I'd like to learn more about the religion (or belief system, or whatever you want to call it) as well. Seems like they've got a pretty good thing going.

Anyway, I'm gonna take it slow. Just keep going to the meditation classes for now. I've done a bit of research on the Internet. I'll probably get myself a few books and read up on things it a bit more detail... I can go from there. Maybe over the summer I can do the Foundation Program at the centre or something... We'll see.

Please help!

2009-01-13T03:28:00.002-05:00

I don't know how to cope. I used to cut myself when I felt like this. That was how I dealt with depression, with pain. I don't do that anymore, but now I don't know how to handle it. I try to focus on school and hang out with friends. Try to keep myself distracted, keep myself doing something fun or interesting. Try to laugh and smile. But it's always there in the background, tarnishing everything. And, as soon as I stop for a moment, I feel overwhelmed by it. I can't focus on my classes; it just hurts all the time. How do I make it stop? How do I make it go away?

Sad

2009-01-13T02:37:00.003-05:00

I was actually doing better yesterday. I told people that I was feeling better today, but I'm not. I just feel sad and depressed.
I tried to get an appointment with my counselor but the nearest date was just over two weeks away. I took it anyway but by then I'm pretty sure I'll have dealt with this on my own. I wish that I could get in sooner. I wish that I didn't feel so sh*tty.

Yesterday I thought I was doing okay. Yesterday it seemed like I could handle all this. No problem! Now, I dunno...
I guess I was just numb before. Sure I cried a bit, but then we sat down and joked and watched TV and everything seemed okay. Packing up my stuff and leaving brought a few more tears, but it didn't hurt like this. Nothing like this.

Yesterday I could reason. And laugh. And joke. Now there's just pain. And a hollow feeling. And no matter what I do, how I try to distract myself, it's still there trough everything. My new, constant, ever-present companion.

I just want to forget. I wish that I didn't care. I wish that this didn't mean anything. I know that I'll come out the other side of this, just like anything else. But that doesn't mean that getting there won't hurt like hell. I just don't want to feel it. I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to get hurt again, like I know I will. Like I always seem to do.

I keep running over it in my head; trying to think what I could have done differently, how I could have changed things. If I'd only done this or thought of that, maybe things would have turned out okay.

I can't do this. I can't keep doing this. I just want... something. I hate this feeling. I hate that I can't do anything about it. I hate how much it hurts.

Martin

2008-08-13T02:33:00.002-04:00

Shortly after I finished reading The Darien Gap, I sent an e-mail off to the publisher asking them to forward a letter on to the author for me. Just a bit of fan mail.

Now, I'm not normally one of these people who starts gushing over their favourite authors, trying to contact them, sending fan mail, etc. Then again, non-fiction writing is a whole different beast, isn't it? I mostly just wanted to let the author know that I enjoyed his book, thank him for sharing his experiences, and let him know that I appreciated his attitude towards travel.

I got a letter back from him the other day. I'm glad I wrote. He said that my letter really "picked up" his day.

I had briefly mentioned my own planned excursion into the Darien. (Much tamer than what he did, but exciting for me nonetheless.) He seemed genuinely interested and asked how and why we're going wants to know how our journey goes.
I think it'd be quite a lot of fun to write to him about our trip!

Anyway... I just wanted to mention that little bit of correspondence as it really picked up my day!

Alone, Alone

2008-08-04T01:04:00.003-04:00

Why do I feel so alone? I don't even know what it is that I want. I just want to be close to someone. Not even necessarily romantically close. At least... not in the way I used to think I wanted, needed.

I feel like I have my thoughts and desires mostly sorted out now. Like my head is more-or-less clear. But I'm fairly certain that it'll get all bunged up again as soon as I'm back at school, back around people. I'd like to think that I won't. I'm going to try to stay clear-headed. But, if my past is any indication, I won't. Not for five minutes. Not even with all the resolve and insight and logic I can muster. I always fall into the same traps. As much as I know I should learn from them... As much as I tell myself that I have... As much as I come to understand my mistakes in hindsight... I still can't ever seem to avoid them completely. My brain takes a vacation and my kamikaze autopilot sends me towards disaster with anyone and everyone I meet.
Especially guys.
I'm a fool.

Fool. Sitting alone. Wishing. Waiting. Losing. All. I wish I could stop.

Worried Sick

2008-08-02T22:23:00.002-04:00

That just about sums it up. I'm worried to the point where I feel sick to my stomach. I'm afraid. I'm tense. I'm terrified of what's going to happen next. And the only thing that I can do is try not to make it any worse. Whether I succeed or not is another question.

Reading Material

2008-07-30T23:18:00.003-04:00

I need to find myself another good book. I mean, I have plenty of books. I shouldn't be looking for any more. But I don't think I have anything that quite matches up with my current craving. I have a full complement of fiction of various genres. I have quite a bit of non-fiction as well, though it tends to lean more towards the academic end of the scales. I've gathered together a few biographies over the years. Some I've read, others I've not. I have poetry. I have plays.
None of this seems to quite fit the bill though. I don't know what I want.

I picked up one of my many novels the other day, figuring on reading it. It's good. The plot is interesting. But I just can't get into it. I don't crave it like I should when I dive into a good book. It just feels too light and fluffy.

Maybe I'd find a good non-fiction more substantial... I have a feeling though, that I might get bored. A lot of the non-fiction that I have is pretty dry. Probably only about one step up from a textbook. Dawkins might be okay though... Maybe I should try "The Selfish Gene" on for size... I wouldn't mind looking at some more travelers' tales either. Something like "The Darien Gap" would be quite satisfactory. 'Though I'm worried that, after reading Mitchinson, I might be disappointed by other authors. I'd be willing to give it a shot though. I'd also like to look into getting a copy of "Loose Girl". I spotted that one in Chapters the other day and it really held my attention. At the very least, I'd like to take a closer look at it.

Alright, well, I guess that at least gives me an idea of what I should be looking for. Unfortunately two out of three ideas require me to purchase more books. I do have a copy of "The Selfish Gene" kicking around. I guess I could try reading that first... "Loose Girl" actually holds the most appeal for me at the moment though. I wish I had a copy of that book now! But I had to choose between "Loose Girl" and "The Darien Gap" and, really, it was hardly a choice. I had to get "The Darien Gap". How could I not? And it was an amazing book. Definitely no regrets. I just wish I could've gotten them both!

Ah well... I think I'll try to finish "The Book With No Name" for now. From there I can move on to "The Selfish Gene". Maybe by then I'll have gotten my hands on a copy of "Loose Girl".

Actually... It crosses my mind that my brother wanted me to read one of his favourite books. He's been bugging me to read it for ages. I guess it should get priority over some of the others. Who knows? Maybe it'll scratch that literary itch I've been feeling! So, I guess the new order will be: "The Book With No Name" -> "Lord of Snow and Shadows" -> "The Selfish Gene" -> "Loose Girl".

Then again... Nothing ever works out as planned, does it?

Vacation!

2008-07-24T01:43:00.002-04:00

I can't believe it; I'm going to get to see the Darien! How cool is that? I'm thrilled! I'm so excited. I can't believe that this is actually happening! Amazing!

Here I've been, sitting, reading, thinking, dreaming about how much I'd like to visit the Darien. Promising myself that I'd get there "some day". Figuring that "some day" won't come along for another three or four years, at least. But that's okay, I tell myself, as long as I get there. I don't mind waiting. Well... come to think of it, I do but, what can you do? I didn't think it would be possible to get there any sooner so, I had to be content with waiting. But now...

Now, my parents are saying that we're all gonna go. Together.

Words can't even express how happy I am! "Ecstatic" doesn't even begin to cover it.

I mean, I was willing to go by myself. Just me and my backpack ambling around the jungle. But, of course, how much better will this trip be if I can share it with people who'll really appreciate the area? Fantastic!

I can see us now... Trekking through the jungle. Taking pictures. Identifying wildlife. Camping out. What a trip! I can't wait!

So, here's the scoop:
Looks like we're gonna be heading to Playa de Muerto. (I wrote about it once before here.) Tiny, little, isolated, Embera village on the Pacific coast of the Darien. The town consists of 225 Embera with the occasional group of tourists stopping through on a cruise. You've got the beach in front and the Sapo (Toad) mountains behind. There's a camp ground where you can rent a hammock for $3/night. Or, if you'd like something a little more plush, you can get a bed at the local hotel for $8/night ($12 if you want lobster for dinner). There's a restaurant in town that serves two meals a day at $2/plate. Most of the locals do crafts of some sort which they sell to tourists whenever they happen by. There's a little, one-room schoolhouse where all the kids learn Spanish, among other things of course! Most folks in town speak Spanish (quite fluently from what I understand) but it's their second language. As of 2005/2006, the town has running water and indoor plumbing (at the school). There are no roads. You get there either by foot or by boat.

I know some folks would be turned off by this description. But, to me, (and to my parents too, thankfully) it sounds absolutely wonderful!

I love the fact that it's out of the way, off the beaten track. There are no roads, no phones, no computers, no Internet. Cell phone signals are unheard of. There is a police station and the officers do carry satellite phones, in case of emergency, but that's it! The nearest payphone is a two-day hike to the next town along an old cattle trail.

I can't believe that we're actually going to do this! We're going to Playa de Muerto! And, better yet, we're hiking!

I was taken with the idea of hiking the trail from Garachine to Playa de Muerto when I first read about it but, I though that maybe I was being impractical again. I mean, it'd be great to do and maybe I would if I was going on my own but, I didn't think I should ask my parents to make the trek.
I should've known better! Of course they're up for it! They spent three days riding through the Blue Mountains, with rain and leeches and all manner of things, and they had a ball! Of course a little hike isn't going to scare them off!
I think I'm looking forward to that walk as much as I am the whole rest of the vacation! What an amazing experience that'll be!

I hope I can get a chance to see Raul too. I mean, to come that far and be that close and not see him, well, it would seem a crime. So, I'll do my best. Even if he meets us at the airport or something and we just chat for an hour or so before we move on to the next leg of our journey. I'd like that.

This semester can't pass fast enough! Just another four and a half months and I'll be in Panama again! (I just have to make sure I actually pass.) I don't care if I get stellar marks. I just need to get through. I mean, of course I want to do well but I think that part of my previous problem was that I tried too hard, focused too much on the details, and then couldn't do everything to the standard I wanted so, fell behind. Once I fell behind I was lost. I got overwhelmed, didn't know where to start picking up the pieces again so, I just gave up, ran away. I know better now though. I'll do better this time. For the sake of my dream vacation, I'll do better.

The Darién Gap

2008-07-23T00:35:00.004-04:00

So I found yet another great book! I really don't need any more books. I only just finished the two I was reading this past week. Now, all of the sudden, I have two more to read. Not the mention the other 90-odd books I already had on my reading list! But, once I saw this book, I knew I couldn't leave the store without it. I mean... how often do you see a book with the words "Darien Gap" in the title?
I'll tell you this, it's the first one I've ever seen!

You know, I tried to find books on Panama before my visit in March. I couldn't find a single one. On Belize and Costa Rica, there were plenty. Honduras even had its fair share. But Panama? None. The best I could come up with was a travel guide for Central America. I think that book had a grand total of seven pages dedicated to Panama! Maybe eight if you count the map. Unbelievable! How is it that there's not a single book on what is likely the safest, richest, and (considering the Canal) most important country in Central America?

Well, I'd finally accepted the fact that any information I wanted on Panama would have to come to me through the Internet since no one seemed intent on putting the information between the covers of a book... Then, as I'm making my way through Chapters, what do I spy? A book entitled "The Darien Gap". Now this required a closer look!

After searching in vain for a book on Panama, now, all of the sudden, I come across a book dedicated to a single province! And by a Canadian author no less! Incredible!

Anyway, I only just started reading it, but it seems pretty good so far. The main body of the book is essentially a catalogue of the author's personal experiences in the area but, it also goes into the history of the area. Not just politically and demographically but geologically as well. Aside from that, he disperses traditional stories from Emberá and Wounan mythologies throughout his narrative. I have to say, I'm thoroughly enjoying the read so far.

I was concerned at first that I was picking up the chronicles of a pretentious adventure-seeker. One of those intrepid but ignorant fools that dive into some unknown region simply because they're told they shouldn't. Danger-seekers. I mean, there's nothing wrong with a little excitement. I'm all for living and experiencing life. But that doesn't mean that I want to go around being willfully reckless. So, I must say, I was pleasantly surprised when I found this guy to be pretty down to Earth. He traveled in a dangerous area, but he didn't go out actively seeking the danger. His motivation was seeing the land and meeting the people, learning about culture and nature, not thrill-seeking. I like that.

Anyway... Enough of my babbling! I'm going to read some more!

Lap of Luxury

2008-07-22T23:32:00.002-04:00

I worry about where we're headed as a race sometimes...

I watched a commercial today. It was for a vehicle of some sort. A minivan, I think. They were advertising all its great features, showing how much fun a family would have in this van. And, I have to admit, I came away from it a little scared.
What they seemed to focus on was the TV screens in the cabin. The fact that your kids could watch movies or play video games while you chauffeur them around. Because... you know... Heaven forbid your little angels be required to amuse themselves on the way to Tae Kwon Do class! And, of course, God knows you couldn't possibly expect them to survive without their precious video games or their favourite TV shows for a few minutes!

TV seems to rule our lives. We make our schedules around our favourite shows. Or we get Tevo to catch them for us. Now, it's not enough to simply have a TV in the living room or rec room. We have TVs in our kitchens, in our bedrooms, in our bathrooms! For Heaven's sake! And, apparently, even that is no longer sufficient. Television is now a standard feature in our vehicles. We've become incapable of even going camping without our idiot boxes!

How many times have I seen Canadian Tire advertising their "camp" gear? When you have a hot shower, complete with shower radio; television; video games; cell phones and chargers; mattresses; heaters; and personal air conditioners... it ceases to be camping. What's the point of going to a rough, unfurnished campground if you're going to bring all the furnishings with you and smooth out all the roughness? You might as well just check in to a hotel!

To me, the whole point of camping is to get away from all the luxuries we surround ourselves with on a daily basis. They advertise how all their fancy gear makes camping feel just like home. Well... if it feels just like home, what the Hell's the point?! I guess I might as well just stay home then!

When did we get so soft? When did we curl up in the lap of luxury and start refusing to leave? When did we become incapable of stepping outside (or sitting, or eating, or existing, for that matter) without being surrounded by a full complement of comforts and entertainment devices? I would say that it borders on ridiculous but... I think that that line was likely crossed long ago.

So Tired

2008-07-20T23:33:00.002-04:00

Tired and discouraged
Fading away.

Can't make it better
Can't make it right.

So many mistakes
So many regrets.
So many things
I want to forget.

Sometimes it hurts but,
Right now it's just numb.

And I'm fading,
Fading away.

Jealousy

2008-07-20T01:50:00.002-04:00

I can't be happy for my friend when he's finally found someone he likes. But, this isn't new. It's not isolated to Raul either. I get that same twinge of jealousy and disappointment whenever one of my friends ends up in a relationship. Whenever they're even interested in anyone. Especially my male friends.

If one of my female friends finds a boyfriend, my reaction ranges from neutral to very minimal negative feelings. Make it a male friend finding a girlfriend however, and we have a different story! The situation borders on downright depressing.

Now, the initial thought on this might be that I'm actually interested in these guys and that's why I'm so upset when they start dating someone else. I think that has definitely factored into some of the situations I've encountered. But that's not the whole story. I run up against the same feelings even when I have no interest beyond the strictly platonic. Even when I have no reason to be jealous. Am I worried about losing their attention? Losing their friendship? Am I so self-absorbed that I need to have my friends focused on me all the time? Maybe I am...

Love Life

2008-07-20T01:22:00.002-04:00

I talked to Raul today. He's met someone. They've gone on a couple of dates and it sounds like things are going well so far.

I want to be happy for him. He's my friend, always kind, fun to talk to, and I want for him to be happy. I should be glad, pleased that he's found a nice girl that he likes. So, why did I feel my heart sink when he told me he was interested in someone? Why did it fall a little lower when he said they'd already gone on a couple of dates?

Am I so selfish? Am I so jealous? Am I so insecure... that I can't stand to see him have someone in his life. And, on top of all that, I'm a hypocrite too. 'Cause I'm pretty sure that, were I to meet someone tomorrow, I wouldn't have any qualms about dating them. I likely wouldn't give it a second thought. Yet... I feel such disappointment when I discover that my friend is in a relationship, that he's hoping to be "more than just friends" with this girl. How can I justify that? How can I do the very thing that causes my disappointment with another? Like I said... I'm a hypocrite.

Title Page

2008-06-28T23:45:00.002-04:00

I managed to get the title page of my scrapbook finished today. Nothing extravagant, just a bit of black ink. I picked out some fancy lettering in Word and printed the page, with the intention of tracing the lettering onto the first page of the journal. The pages are a bit thick though and it was nearly impossible to see the lettering through the paper. I ended up basically engraving the letters into the page instead. From there, I was able to use the pressure marks as a guide for pencil and, finally, ink.
It came out reasonably well, if I do say so myself! I mean, the first couple of letters have a few unsightly blips but, for the most part, it looks presentable.

Now I just need to get some photos together so I can start filling in the other pages!

Scrapbook

2008-06-26T22:10:00.002-04:00

I picked up a beautiful, handmade, leather journal a week or so ago. It's absolutely gorgeous! It cost me nearly $50, but it was worth it. The cover's all beautifully tooled leather. The signatures are stitched in by hand with some brown cord. Lovely!
A book that nice needs to be made into something special. It's too nice to use for just plain old journaling. I want to make it into a family scrapbook. Not a bright, tacky, cheesy scrapbook. Something subdued, classy, and elegant. I'll need to get a few supplies, and it's gonna take a good long while to get everything together, but I really want to do this.
I'd like to give it to my parents when it's all done.

I've got a rough idea of what I want to put in it. It should only take about half to two-thirds of the book. That'll be nice though; that way we'll be able to add to it in years to come. As we accumulate more pictures, thoughts, and memories, we'll be able to create new pages. I think it'll be nice to have. We can compile it as a family, all our trips and memorable moments. Maybe even pass it down in the family. Who knows?
I think it'd be a fun project n'anyway.

Stormy

2008-06-24T17:32:00.004-04:00

Well, our last calf was born yesterday afternoon. Beautiful little thing! All heifers this year. Really nice colours. One black, one chocolate brown, and... the latest one, a lovely, rich, reddish brown. There's a picture of her there. Stormy.

Corazón

2008-06-04T21:02:00.005-04:00

Okay, so I've been listening to this Chilean pop rock band, La Ley, and I really like them. My friend got me onto them and I'm really enjoying their music!
Anyway... I wanted to try my hand at writing something. It's probably pretty bad, but... here's what I came up with:

Corazón
Quiero solo tu amor.
Quiero solo amarte.
Toda mi vida es para tí.
Y todo lo que quieres daré a tí,
Si solo tu puedes amar a mí.

Te quiero...
Desde el fondo de mi corazón.
Te quiero...
Sin prueba, sin razón.

Pero aquí estoy,
Todo solo!
Y allí estás,
Siempre lejos.

Y no sé si puedo existir.
Y no sé todavía que decir.
Pero...

Te amo...
Desde el fondo de mi corazón.
Te amo...
Sin prueba, sin razón.

Mi corazon...
Le doy a tí.

I know that there are a few lines that probably don't make a whole lot of sense or don't quite work syntax-wise... Maybe I'll be able to fix it up later.

Math Skills?

2008-05-28T14:12:00.003-04:00

I've often worried at peoples' dependence on calculators and other technology. They can't write without a spell checker. They can't do math without a calculator. They can't communicate without using l33t-speak or some other form of abbreviation. People have lost the ability to think for themselves. Every problem has become so easy to solve with the push of a few buttons that we've forgotten how to work it out on our own!

We're taught math in school, but as soon as our teachers are convinced that we are able to apply the bare minimum of basic arithmetic skills, we are handed calculators. We move on to bigger and better things and let the calculator worry about the details. We can solve quadratic systems, but who knows how to work out a square root unaided?! I've met folks who can't even remember how to do long division, it's been so long since they've even attempted math without a calculator. They don't even know where to begin unless it's to start punching in numbers on their cell phone calculator!

I ran into a frightening example yesterday when I was asked, in the absence of a calculator, to crunch some numbers.
"What's 7 plus 9?" she asks me.
"Seven plus nine?" I look at her quizzically, "Sixteen."
She thinks about this for a minute, then looks to me again, "And what's 22 minus 16?"
"Six... Are you testing me?"
"No, I'm just trying to work something out."
I was dumbfounded!
This is a girl who has a post-secondary education. This is a girl who's been awarded scholarships. She is not stupid! I have no doubt that, had she taken a minute to think about it, she could have worked out those math problems without issue. The problem is that everyone is so used to having a quick, easy answer provided, without thought or effort. Still, I was startled at being asked to work out such a simple problem.

It makes me wonder where we're headed. If things are this bad now, where will we be a few years down the road? Will we have become totally helpless without our calculators and various other electronic gadgets? I shudder to think!